An Appeal On Behalf Of The City Bankers Of Britain
I am writing to you on behalf of one of Britain's persecuted minorities, the City Banker. This endangered species lives in the highrise jungles of Central London, where individuals eke out a living providing essential services for the wider community. A strong sense of camaraderie exists between the different tribes, who are often to be found supping together at watering holes after a hard day's toil. But now this unique lifestyle is under threat, as enemy warriors close in to steal away all that these bankers hold dear. This is a desperate situation and no mistake.
The average City Banker receives a pitiful six figure salary each year. This is barely sufficient to cover the basic necessities of everyday life - the penthouse flat, the gleaming Ferrari and the champagne-stocked wine cellar. Once these essentials have been paid for, very little remains for everyday luxuries such as skiing holidays, precision chronometers or cocaine habits. Many bankers merely scrape by, unable to compete with the elevated expectations of financial peer pressure. Theirs is a tough lifestyle and no mistake.
A banker's annual bonus therefore provides substantive mitigation for the inadequacies of his or her annual salary. This seasonal trinket, added to the December pay cheque, can make the difference between buying a new Aston Martin and having to drive round in a year-old model for another twelve months. Without the stimulus that this insignificant donation provides, many bankers would be forced to buy less than optimum Christmas gifts for their friends, for their friends' friends and for themselves. This is an essential payment, and no mistake.
Yesterday a petty and unfair reallocation of resources was announced by our nation's chief elected beancounter. Forthwith, and henceforth, any bonus exceeding twenty-five thousand guineas will be taxed and taxed until almost none of the money remains. Faced with limited income, bankers may be forced to drain their swimming pools, or cut back on caviar, or even sell their yachts. Hospitality suites at major sports arenas may close, the Swiss watch industry may go out of business, and entire estates in southwest London may become unaffordable. This is a wholly unreasonable clawback, and no mistake.
Most worryingly of all, bankers may feel so oppressed by this bigoted discriminatory behaviour that they choose to relocate overseas. Tax havens the world over will be the winners, and financial tumbleweed will begin to roll through the deserted towers of Docklands and the City. As our economy collapses and society breaks down, only then will the essential glue provided by substantial bonus payments become apparent. This is a recipe for total meltdown, and no mistake.
So today we're asking you, the taxpayers of Britain, to dig deep. You've already given us billions of pounds of budgetary reserves, but we need more. Slim down your public services and sacrifice a decade of potential growth for the greater good. Cut back your investment and underwrite our incompetence. Let us gamble with your savings, and allow us to spend our profits on life's larger luxuries. Please give everything you can to our bonus appeal. To do otherwise would be a costly mistake.