diamond geezer

 Thursday, May 27, 2010

Dear ,

I'm the new Minister In Charge Of Scissors, and I'm writing to thank you for all the hard work that you do. The service which you provide for the community is of the highest quality, and I want to say how much we all value this. Social cohesion and community wellbeing are greatly increased through your unsung endeavours. Well done.

Regrettably, I'm also writing with news of your imminent redundancy. I'm sorry, but there simply isn't enough money left to keep your open. I'm closing it, as soon as is humanly possible, thereby making you surplus to requirements. In these troubled times your service is a luxury, not a necessity, and it must go. But don't worry. You'll be paying the ultimate price for the sake of the greater good of the country. Chin up.

I'd like to point out that the current economic disaster is not my fault. It's totally the fault of the previous administration, who plunged the country deep into debt by bailing out the banks with billions of pounds of public money. In addition, it appears that they were also wasting money funding your , money which we can now ill afford. I cannot squeeze money out of our banks, as these are crucial to the recovery of our nation. But I must sacrifice your , because every little cut to the bloated public sector adds up. Your financial, vocational and emotional loss will help to save jobs for the rest of us.

Don't expect to enjoy a new life of leisure in the dole queue. I've alerted the staff in your local job centre to your plight, and they'll be expecting you to check in on the first day after your leaving party. Be prepared to join a long queue, because a lot of other people from the , the and the will be turning up at the same time. And don't think of sleeping in late, or skiving off, because Coalition Britain hates unemployment scroungers and we don't pay them any benefits.

I apologise that there are unlikely to be any suitable jobs available for you in the near future. It's your own fault for doing an arts degree, obviously, whereas if you'd studied economics you could have a directorship and a nice car by now. Alas the country can't afford to have you sitting around doing nothing, so I'll be enrolling you in our new Community Volunteer Programme with immediate effect. Expect to be out litter-picking, or painting over graffiti, or mowing old people's lawns, in payback for the pittance we'll be paying you as dole-scum.

Alternatively, I note that there may be a vacancy in your local area for a . There's going to be a big empty building in the town centre which used to be a , and it'll need some volunteers to run it. Your skillset has a perfect overlap with the selection criteria required, so you'd be an ideal candidate for this role.

Please note that this would be a non wealth-creating post, so there'd be no salary attached. Voluntary work is its own reward, I'm sure you'll agree, so we'd be paying you nothing. But the community gets its back and no taxpayer money is wasted, so it's the ideal plan. Except for you, sorry.

Thank you, goodbye, and see you again later.

Yours cuttingly,

Edward S Hands
Minister In Charge Of Scissors


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