Please leave your computer by the nearest available exit and make your way to the rendezvous point.
Fire instructions (you shouldn't be reading these now, you should have read them before. Come on, you're wasting valuable seconds, and I risk losing my Health & Safety certificate)
1) If you are the first person to spot a fire on diamond geezer, please email firealarm.alert@diamondgeezerblog.com immediately giving time, location, amount of smoke and wind direction. Do not ring 999, as they may laugh at you.
2) On receipt of the fire alert email (or on noticing the conflagration himself), the blog custodian will sound the alarm immediately. That's unless he's out exploring some godforsaken chunk of the Home Counties, obviously, in which case it'll have to wait until later.
3) The fire alarm signal will be a line of blinking red text. It is the reader's responsibility to ensure that their web browser displays blinking text properly. If not, please tick the relevant audio pop-up box on the "fire drill notification options" page.
4) Do not stop to collect personal belongings. If you are reading this blog on a laptop, please shut the lid and leave it behind. If you are reading this blog on an iPhone (or some other such mobile device), please drop it into a conveniently placed bucket of sand (just to be on the safe side). Do not bring the danger with you.
5) Do not waste time getting dressed. Honestly, you shouldn't have been watching that online in the first place, and you know it.
6) Close all windows. If you have a wet towel to hand, now is the time to use it. And don't panic.
7) Only those who have been trained in the use of a fire extinguisher should attempt to put out the fire by using one. A bit of training at work several years ago doesn't count, because by now you almost certainly can't remember the difference between the red one, the black one and the blue one, so you could end up making things much worse.
8) Do not use the lifts. Instead use the stairs, even though these are a recognised trip hazard and kill twice as many Britons each year as fires do.
9) A fire drill is not a social occasion. Do not chatter to your flatmates on the way out of the building. Do not ask your spouse what you're having for dinner tonight. Keep your mouth shut, and take this seriously for heaven's sake.
10) Go directly to the designated muster point via the safest route. My apologies that, for some readers, this muster point may be on a completely different continent. A register will be taken, and the 'All Clear' will only be sounded once everyone has been accounted for. You could always have a chat to some of the other assembled readers while you're waiting, because you might be here for some time. And then please return to your lives.
