Thursday 14th June 2018 20:00 A special edition of Panorama reveals that England's World Cup bid was only successful because London's mayor offered complimentary prostitutes to FIFA's more corrupt officials. 20:30 Prime Minister Boris Johnson punishes the BBC by trimming its licence fee a further 2%, to £10.50.
Friday 15th June 2018 08:00 The 'Big Society Reformed Scroungers Choir' rouses the nation with a stirring rendition of Three Lions. 10:00 Tube strike now into its fifth week. Fears grow for the 150 commuters trapped on Crossrail somewhere below Oxford Circus. 13:59 Ticketholders, officials and visiting dignitaries still queueing to pass through Ring of Steel outside Wembley Stadium. 14:00 Opening ceremony of the 21st FIFA World Cup In the absence of any spectators, eighty thousand policemen and security guards are invited to fill the seats. 14:10 Some poncey artistic spectacle involving St George, an inflatable dragon and eleven morris men kicking a pig's bladder about. 14:50 King William V buries Bobby Moore's ashes beneath the centre spot and declares the World Cup officially open. 15:00 Opening Match - Group A: England v Saint Kitts and Nevis(Wembley Stadium) 15:48 Sir Gary Lineker leads the half-time discussion on Twitter. 17:00 According to Sir Gary, England can still qualify if they win both of their remaining games by four clear goals. 19:00 Group B: Kyrgyzstan v Honduras(Milton Keynes Bowl) 21:00 Ah, the world's top two footballing nations never fail to disappoint, do they?
Saturday 16th June 2018 10:00 Sales of barbecues, facepaint and white-van-flags at record levels. 12:00 At the Liverpool FanFest, fifty ladies wearing nothing but Pepsi Cola ringpulls are arrested under the Ambush Marketing Act. 15:00 Group A: People's Republic of Scotland v South Africa(Liverpool Beatles Stadium) 15:01 The whine of eighty thousand vuvuzelas causes major turbulence aboard a passing Boeing 797. 15:55 Half time entertainment is provided by Brooklyn Beckham's new band, the Spice Boys. 16:58 Scottish team consoles itself with the thought that at least they conceded three fewer goals than England. 19:00 Group B: Iceland v Chile(West Ham Athletics Track) 19:16 Greenpeace fly a crop sprayer above the stadium to protest against global warming. Artificial snowstorm envelops East London. Match abandoned.
Sunday 17th June 2018 10:00 Sales of barbecues, facepaint and white-van-flags at even record-er levels. 13:00 Residents of Devon asked to stay at home so that visiting dignitaries can travel down the M5 without disruption. 15:00 Group C: California v Qatar(Plymouth Recreation Ground) 16:50 Well that was a bloody tedious nil nil draw. 16:51 ITV's commentary team praise the last 90 minutes as some of the finest football ever seen (then cut to an ad break). 19:00 Group X: North Korea v South Korea(Sunderland McVities Arena) 19:37 First goal to North Korea. Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un, watching from his nuclear bunker, announces death to the infidels. 20:18 Equaliser scored by South Korea. President Lee Hoi-chang, watching from his nuclear bunker, announces death to the infidels. 21:30 Game ends in penalty shootout. World holds its breath.