Thursday, December 02, 2010
ENG-ER-LAND's World Cup 2018 (Provisional timetable for opening weekend)
Thursday 14th June 2018
20:00 A special edition of Panorama reveals that England's World Cup bid was only successful because London's mayor offered complimentary prostitutes to FIFA's more corrupt officials.
20:30 Prime Minister Boris Johnson punishes the BBC by trimming its licence fee a further 2%, to £10.50.
Friday 15th June 2018
08:00 The 'Big Society Reformed Scroungers Choir' rouses the nation with a stirring rendition of Three Lions.
10:00 Tube strike now into its fifth week. Fears grow for the 150 commuters trapped on Crossrail somewhere below Oxford Circus.
13:59 Ticketholders, officials and visiting dignitaries still queueing to pass through Ring of Steel outside Wembley Stadium.
14:00 Opening ceremony of the 21st FIFA World Cup In the absence of any spectators, eighty thousand policemen and security guards are invited to fill the seats.
14:10 Some poncey artistic spectacle involving St George, an inflatable dragon and eleven morris men kicking a pig's bladder about.
14:50 King William V buries Bobby Moore's ashes beneath the centre spot and declares the World Cup officially open.
15:00 Opening Match - Group A: England v Saint Kitts and Nevis (Wembley Stadium)
15:48 Sir Gary Lineker leads the half-time discussion on Twitter.
17:00 According to Sir Gary, England can still qualify if they win both of their remaining games by four clear goals.
19:00 Group B: Kyrgyzstan v Honduras (Milton Keynes Bowl)
21:00 Ah, the world's top two footballing nations never fail to disappoint, do they?
Saturday 16th June 2018
10:00 Sales of barbecues, facepaint and white-van-flags at record levels.
12:00 At the Liverpool FanFest, fifty ladies wearing nothing but Pepsi Cola ringpulls are arrested under the Ambush Marketing Act.
15:00 Group A: People's Republic of Scotland v South Africa (Liverpool Beatles Stadium)
15:01 The whine of eighty thousand vuvuzelas causes major turbulence aboard a passing Boeing 797.
15:55 Half time entertainment is provided by Brooklyn Beckham's new band, the Spice Boys.
16:58 Scottish team consoles itself with the thought that at least they conceded three fewer goals than England.
19:00 Group B: Iceland v Chile (West Ham Athletics Track)
19:16 Greenpeace fly a crop sprayer above the stadium to protest against global warming. Artificial snowstorm envelops East London. Match abandoned.
Sunday 17th June 2018
10:00 Sales of barbecues, facepaint and white-van-flags at even record-er levels.
13:00 Residents of Devon asked to stay at home so that visiting dignitaries can travel down the M5 without disruption.
15:00 Group C: California v Qatar (Plymouth Recreation Ground)
16:50 Well that was a bloody tedious nil nil draw.
16:51 ITV's commentary team praise the last 90 minutes as some of the finest football ever seen (then cut to an ad break).
19:00 Group X: North Korea v South Korea (Sunderland McVities Arena)
19:37 First goal to North Korea. Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un, watching from his nuclear bunker, announces death to the infidels.
20:18 Equaliser scored by South Korea. President Lee Hoi-chang, watching from his nuclear bunker, announces death to the infidels.
21:30 Game ends in penalty shootout. World holds its breath.
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