diamond geezer

 Friday, December 24, 2010

The first Green Christmas

1 And in the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent from God unto Nazareth to have a chat to a virgin, and the virgin's name was Mary.
2 And the angel came unto her and said, "Fear not, for thou shalt conceive in thy womb and bring forth a Son, and shalt call His name JESUS."
3 Then said Mary unto the angel, "Oh, for heavens sake. I'm a responsible eco-protester and I've made a conscious decision not to bring a child into the world. An extra mouth will burn up valuable resources that the Earth can ill afford. Think of all the carbon dioxide He'll breathe out, and all the fossil fuels He'll burn, and all the nappies He'll soil, and all the mobile phone chargers He'll leave on stand-by. Not to mention all the offspring He'll probably beget. I'm being impregnated against my will, and it's our planet that will suffer. Tell God I'd rather not, there's a good angel."
4 And the angel answered and said unto her, "Tough."

5 And it came to pass in those days that there went out a decree that all local hospitals should be shut down. And the accountants saw that it was good.
6 "Bugger," said Joseph. "My espoused wife is great with child, but the nearest birthing facility is 70 miles away. And public transport is so very unreliable these days, and all the cheap fares were snapped up month ago. Verily my eco-conscience doesn't permit me to take the car. Where's that ass?"
7 So they went up from Galilee on the back of a donkey - which is not ideal for a girl in Mary's condition - unto the City of David which is called Bethlehem.

8 And so it was that while they were there, the days were accomplished that Mary should be delivered. But it turned out that the hospital was full, having exceeded its annual budgetary target, so she might as well have stayed at home and given birth in the garage.
9 And she brought forth her firstborn Son, and wrapped Him in ethnic import swaddling clothes from the Oxfam shop, and laid Him in a manger.
10 And Mary said "Here I am surrounded by animals and straw, and not an epidural in sight. This must be as environmentally-friendly a birth as anyone could ever have, not that the wider world has noticed. It's a damned shame that the media aren't here to promote this ultra-green lifestyle to other pregnant women. But I guess my story will just have to remain untold."

11 And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And they were doing a bit of knitting, like shepherds do, yea even their teatowel headgear was sustainably generated.
12 And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them, and they were sore afraid.
13 "We are sore afraid," they said. "Have you any idea how much energy you're wasting with all this ostentatious glory-shining? You could at least tone it down a bit using a low-energy halo."
14 And the angel said unto them, "Fear not, for behold this halo is a low output, flicker free, non-stroboscopic Compact Fluorescent Integrated Glow-Ring. For God phased out all the filament haloes in the heavenly firmament long ago."
15 And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, and LED-based illumination toward men!"
16 “For unto you is born this day a Saviour, who is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you: Ye shall find the Babe round the back of a pub wearing His Mum's cast-offs. Take Him some cute knitted bootees as a gift, won't you?"
17 And it came to pass, when the angels were gone away, the shepherds said one to another, "Bunch of megalomaniac weirdoes. We’re going nowhere."

18 Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem, there came three air passengers from the East to Jerusalem saying, "Where is He that is born King of the Jews? For we have flown Star Alliance (first class) and have come to worship Him. Sorry we're a bit late, there was this ash cloud."
19 When Herod the king had heard these things he was troubled. "If our little town gets too popular with tourists we may need to build a third runway, possibly in the middle of the Sea of Galilee, and imagine all the noise and air pollution that would cause."
20 And he sent them to Bethlehem and said, "Go and search diligently for the young child, and when ye have found Him, bring me word again, that I may come and murder Him, oops, I wasn't supposed to say that bit out loud."
21 When they had heard the king, they departed via a connecting flight; and lo, a vapour trail went behind them until it spread over where the young Child lay.
22 And when they had exited the terminal, they got a taxi to see the young Child with Mary His mother. And she was appalled at the unnecessary length of their travels, and demanded that they offset their carbon forthwith.
23 So they presented duty free treasures of sustainable gold and locally-sourced frankincense and 100% organic myrrh, which pleased Mary no end.
24 And then they departed into their own country, by public transport, naturally.


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