Time once again to delve into my inbox for another burst of over-hopeful promotional emails. No, never ever, sorry.
Hi Diamond Geezer, Great website! You’re brilliant for keeping me up to date on London goings on; there is always so much happening here it can be difficult to keep up! I thought you might be interested in a great new campaign I’m working on with <car company> as their new <ugly small car> is exempt from the London Congestion Charge.
Sorry Fiona, but not even that shameless outburst of crawling will ever make me post a link to your YouTube video.
Hello, I was wondering if you accept guest post for your blog. If you do, I would like to submit a few. You can see a sample of my work at <computer blog> under the author James <Surname>.
Your website hasn't updated in nine months, James, so I think I'll pass, thanks.
Dear Sir/Ma'am, We have recently launched The <Promotional Social Media> meetup group to bring together online publishers, bloggers and content creators to meetup and exchange ideas, make contacts, network with each other, and come up with solutions to problems we all share. We would love to have you present / talk to members of our group.
No you wouldn't, Jennifer. You'd absolutely hate it if I came to talk to your group of over-eager marketeers and blogging mercenaries. I'd probably tell you what I really think of vacuous promotion masquerading as social comment, and it wouldn't be a comfortable half hour.
Internationally acclaimed <name of designer> has produced a special edition bottle of <Irish whiskey> ahead of St. Patrick’s Day. The bottle marks one of Ireland’s most celebrated days, and provides the perfect opportunity for <Irish whiskey> drinkers across the UK to have a true taste of the Irish celebrations on this special day. The contemporary bottle design was inspired by the legendary Celtic illustrations in The Book of Kells, but sees <designer> introduce his unique contemporary artistic eye to capture the true Irish spirit of <brandname>.
Francesca, I should congratulate you on writing the ghastliest most overblown pile of fluff I've read in many a day. "Man designs bottle" is not news, except in your own distorted universe.
Hi, The first ever survey into online flirting habits has found that men in London are the UK's biggest flirts, and 87 percent would flirt with women 10 years older than them. With Cougars such as Demi Moore and Eva Longoria in the media spotlight it's unsurprising that this is one of the startling trends highlighted in The Flirt Report from <dating website>.
My apologies Camilla, but you appear to have mistaken me for a shallow imbecile who gives a damn.
Dear Diamond Geezer, First off, great work on your blog. It made my list of blogs I should get in touch with - so congratulations :) I'm representing <microwave dinner company>. We're a new food brand in the UK that thinks we've found a unique niche. Take a look at this page which explains our unique (and we hope delicious) offering! We’d really love your help and advice on how we can best spread the word about our new products. We’re kind of new to the blogosphere and social media and would really love your advice.
My advice, Tina, would be to avoid messaging bloggers with patronising opening statements, and then to keep quiet until you've worked out how to send an email without looking ignorant. Also, I'd rather you didn't send me a meal for two in a box because I'm a sad lonely single guy. Many thanks, all the best.
And to anybody else thinking of sending me a marketing email, inept or otherwise, my message remains the same. Please don't - you'd only be wasting my time and yours.
5pm update: Let's name and shame PR company Friday's, one of whose social media executives completely ignored today's post and has just sent me this drivel...
<Stupid brandname> cars were the talk of the town this week as a roadshow took to the streets of London amid excitement over the luxury brand’s new F1 partnership with <F1 racing company>. The capital was treated to a close look at the latest <Stupid brandname> range as a procession of five <Model name> cars streamed through the city. It was the first phase of <Poncey Title>, a unique series of events offering residents of London and surrounding areas an exclusive chance to win... yadda yadda etc etc.
To Friday's, I'm nothing but an email address on a mailing list of potential brand champions. But always best to think twice before pressing 'send', eh?