Friday, April 29, 2011
Monday, April 29, 2041
The marriage of HRH Princess Daisy Windsor to Kylie Beckham05:00 Smog fans activated
06:00 Congestion Charge lifted (Upper and Lower layers)
07:00 Somewhere in the middle of Mayfair, the hen night finishes
08:00 Police use laser cannon to remove ardent republicans who've been camping out overnight along Whitehall
09:00 Security gates open (spectators should ensure that their ID chip has not expired)
09:30 King William departs his Westminster council flat and catches the number 453 bus
10:00 BBC Royal Wedding 4DTV broadcast begins (subscribers only)
10:15 Queen Caroline and the King Father arrive at the Abbey to polite applause
10:17 Major terrorist atrocity averted (but sssh, nobody will ever know)
10:20 The bride's parents, Lord David and Lady Posh, arrive in a crystal carriage pulled by unicorns
10:30 Deadline for members of foreign royal families to board the High Speed link from Heathrow
10:35 Holographic Princess Diana takes her seat in the South Transept
10:40 Candles lit (subject to EU Renewables Directive 2034/#378b)
10:45 Princess Daisy boards the Royal Barge for the short paddle across St James's Harbour to the Abbey
10:46 Ooh, isn't the dress lovely? How many clothing coupons did she have to save up for that one?
10:55 Ms Kylie lifts her sleeve to answer the biggest question of the day - what will her new tattoo look like?
10:57 Three minute pause for Sky TV commercial break
11:00 Archbishop Icke welcomes the world to Westminster John Lewis Abbey
11:08 The choir sings "Love Divine/Smells Like Teen Spirit (medley)"
11:15 Bishop of London checks Facebook for any just cause or impediment why couple may not legally marry
11:23 Princess Daisy stumbles endearingly over her wife-to-be's middle name
11:31 The choir sings "Wannabe (zig-a-zig-ah remix)"
11:47 Dame Sandi Toksvig delivers the sermon
12:06 Sir Simon Cowell's latest talent protégé sings "Jerusalem (auto-tuned)"
12:15 The happy couple emerge from the Abbey and board the Bulletproof Coach
12:30 Celebratory public execution in Parliament Square
12:44 The Scottish army invades Northumberland while the English army are all busy prancing around ceremonially down south
13:00 Copies of the bride's dress now available for €20 at Primark
13:26 Freeze-framing Google StreetView confirms that the kiss on the balcony was "with tongues"
13:30 Formation flypast by 200 of the RAF's drone missile bombers
13:45 King William bestows the title "Duchess of Walthamstow" on his new daughter-in-law
14:00 Now back to work everyone, this recession won't end itself
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