The marriage of HRH Princess Daisy Windsor to Kylie Beckham
05:00 Smog fans activated 06:00 Congestion Charge lifted (Upper and Lower layers) 07:00 Somewhere in the middle of Mayfair, the hen night finishes 08:00 Police use laser cannon to remove ardent republicans who've been camping out overnight along Whitehall 09:00 Security gates open (spectators should ensure that their ID chip has not expired) 09:30 King William departs his Westminster council flat and catches the number 453 bus 10:00 BBC Royal Wedding 4DTV broadcast begins (subscribers only) 10:15 Queen Caroline and the King Father arrive at the Abbey to polite applause 10:17 Major terrorist atrocity averted (but sssh, nobody will ever know) 10:20 The bride's parents, Lord David and Lady Posh, arrive in a crystal carriage pulled by unicorns 10:30 Deadline for members of foreign royal families to board the High Speed link from Heathrow 10:35 Holographic Princess Diana takes her seat in the South Transept 10:40 Candles lit (subject to EU Renewables Directive 2034/#378b) 10:45 Princess Daisy boards the Royal Barge for the short paddle across St James's Harbour to the Abbey 10:46 Ooh, isn't the dress lovely? How many clothing coupons did she have to save up for that one? 10:55 Ms Kylie lifts her sleeve to answer the biggest question of the day - what will her new tattoo look like? 10:57 Three minute pause for Sky TV commercial break
11:00 Archbishop Icke welcomes the world to Westminster John Lewis Abbey 11:08 The choir sings "Love Divine/Smells Like Teen Spirit (medley)" 11:15 Bishop of London checks Facebook for any just cause or impediment why couple may not legally marry 11:23 Princess Daisy stumbles endearingly over her wife-to-be's middle name 11:31 The choir sings "Wannabe (zig-a-zig-ah remix)" 11:47 Dame Sandi Toksvig delivers the sermon 12:06 Sir Simon Cowell's latest talent protégé sings "Jerusalem (auto-tuned)" 12:15 The happy couple emerge from the Abbey and board the Bulletproof Coach
12:30 Celebratory public execution in Parliament Square 12:44 The Scottish army invades Northumberland while the English army are all busy prancing around ceremonially down south 13:00 Copies of the bride's dress now available for €20 at Primark 13:26 Freeze-framing Google StreetView confirms that the kiss on the balcony was "with tongues" 13:30 Formation flypast by 200 of the RAF's drone missile bombers 13:45 King William bestows the title "Duchess of Walthamstow" on his new daughter-in-law 14:00 Now back to work everyone, this recession won't end itself
05:00 Smog fans activated
