Londoners urged to refrain from sex to keep important Games Lanes flowing 27 Oct 2011
A campaign is to be launched today to persuade Londoners to stop having sex for the next two weeks. Entitled No Effing Fortnight, the campaign is part of a long-term strategy to smooth London's traffic flow during the Olympic Games. With the Opening Ceremony now precisely nine months away, every unplanned pregnancy is a congestion-related disaster waiting to happen.
Transport planners have identified that speeding ambulances are likely to be a prime cause of traffic disruption during the Games. One single emergency vehicle in a segregated Games Lane could block official vehicles attempting to reach the Olympic Park, damaging overall response time targets for Tier One Partner throughflow. It is therefore essential to prevent the unnecessary emergence of new-born babies during a 17 day period at the height of summer 2012. To meet this important requirement, a corresponding hiatus in all forms of fornication is required across London for the next 17 days.
Couples of child-bearing age are to be encouraged to rediscover simpler pleasures, such as watching television, going for a walk or reading books in bed. A series of iPhone apps featuring non-sexual celebrities such as Stephen Fry and Ann Widdecombe has been launched, and would-be lovers will be encouraged to view these rather than rushing off to the bedroom with biological intent. Special Facebook profiles and Twitter feeds have also been set up to promote pure thinking, erectile dysfunction and abstinence. By embedding key messages in digital content, new lives need not be created during a temporary moment of weakness.
The sex-free campaign, with its slogan "Seb Says No", will stress the importance of an ambulance-free Games to London's global image. Adverts will be placed in the national media and on the sides of buses between now and 12th November reminding Londoners that the ban remains in force, and will feature pairs of famous sportsmen and women in a variety of athletic poses. A follow-up campaign will launch on Remembrance Sunday, announcing that restrictions have been lifted and urging parents to "Stick It Back In For Britain".
Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, said "I like a bit of rumpy-pumpy as much as the next man, but I also know when to hold back. The last thing the capital needs at flame-lighting-time is a flashing blue light zipping down Stratford High Street holding up limousines and luxury coaches. Whilst it may be impossible to stop Londoners from having heart attacks and serious accidents next summer, I know we can all pull together now to prevent a series of unnecessary births in nine months time."
LOCOG Director of International Relations, Pratesh Kupal, said "We cannot allow an excess of emergency vehicles to clog up lanes meant for use by important sponsors and the Olympic Family. Imagine the bad press if a senior employee of some official sponsor was prevented from attending the champagne reception prior to an athletics final because the road was blocked by some selfish woman rushing to give birth. Thankfully, every unnecessary delivery in summer 2012 can be avoided if Londoners take steps right now to avoid penetrative sex."
ODA Head of Sustainability Relations, Magenta Penfold, said "Positive discrimination is the key. As a deterrent to randy parents, we promise that every Londoner born between Friday 27th July and Sunday 12th August 2012 will become a second class citizen. Their NHS file will be marked for life, and we'll double the levels of student debt they'll have to pay when they're older. Unlike that thing we did where we promised every Briton born on 20th December 2004 that they'd be a major part of the Games celebrations, then relegated them to the Torch Relay instead, this promise is for real."
Notes to Editors: - For the next fortnight, the Olympic Delivery Authority (ODA) is to rebrand as the Olympic No-Delivery Authority (ONDA). - LOCOG is proud to announce that Durex are to become a Tier Four Partner, as the Official Condom Supplier to the Surrounding Neighbourhoods of the Olympic Games. - To save money, London's midwife service will close down in July and August next year. - Mothers caught in possession of a developing foetus may be transferred to secure facilities on the Isle of Wight during the 36th week of their pregnancy so as not to impact on London's road network at this crucial time. - Please note that no similar restrictions will apply during the period nine months before the Paralympic Games, because they're only the Paralympics and our sponsors aren't so bothered really. – Ends –
For further information please contact the Olympic Non-Delivery Authority Press Office on +44 (0)203 2012 700.