There is, I hope, a corner of hell reserved for mixologists. People who can write drivel like this...
Winter Snuggler £12 This pear flavoured, warm-hearted snuggler will wrap its passionate flavours around you, as the comforting chocolate Mozart romances your taste buds.
Mixologists make their living by devising, making and pimping cocktails. Any old idiot can bung fruit juice and spirits in a glass, surely, but only a select few have the chutzpah to flog the resulting mixture at sixteen pounds a glass.
Cherry Royal £16 Rich cherry wine is followed by the sweetness of Orgeat syrup and amaretto. Topped with the refreshing champagne Pommery Brut, you will find a harmonious balance between the three. Garnished with a hand-picked cherry.
I mean, a good cocktail is well nice, don't get me wrong. But the cost of the ingredients is always minimal compared to the price charged. And they never ever taste like the flowery verbose garbage written in the description on the menu.
Black Apple Crunch £14 For a new spin on warm cocktails try this mix of Black Moth Truffle Vodka sharp Granny Smith apples and Vanilla syrup. The warm, crisp flavours feel like a warm coat on a fresh winter’s day.
I had a Black Apple Crunch last night, on a rooftop overlooking a famous London landmark, courtesy of Best Mate's birthday do. It looked like scoopings from an algae-filled pond, topped off with five thin slices of frog twisted to look posh. Thankfully it tasted rather better than an amphibian in a puddle, but no way did the flavours resemble any form of thermal outerwear.
Cider Spritz £12 Allow us to transport you to a warm night in Italy with the unique aromas of Campari and Cointreau, topped up with soothing warm apple cider.
Italian cider isn't a well known beverage, it has to be said. Mulled Italian cider with blended apéritifs, especially so. But that didn't stop one of the party giving this particular combination a try. When their goblet of steaming orange liquid arrived it disappeared in a few sips. No intercontinental transportation ensued.
Banoffee Rum £12 This cocktail is made with Banoffee Rum and dark chocolate, paying homage to the classic household favourite `Banoffee pie`. Enjoy a hint of Grand Marnier at the end of every swig.
This one disappointed somewhat, so I'm told, with a lingering aftertaste of sliced banana rather than orange liqueur. You could liquidise a banana and bar of chocolate for considerably cheaper. No wonder the barman stood by our table twiddling his tray for ten minutes hoping we'd buy another round.
Golden Winter £16 Tall, dark and handsome, made with Goslings black rum, a dash of angostura bitters and cranberry juice. Finished with fresh blackberries, Crème de Mure and a garnish of gold leaf sprinkled through for added festive magic.
Yes, honest, that's a sprinkling of gold leaf as a finishing touch. You can't taste the gold leaf, it's inherently pointless, but it adds that layer of decadent luxury to which London's wealthier cocktail drinkers aspire. We left them to it after one round.
Passion Peter £12 The majestic flavours of Gin Mare stand tall when passion fruit entangles with the martini and the lasting taste of rosemary.
That reads more like a cryptic crossword clue than a list of ingredients. Pure unadulterated bollocks in a glass, available in an over-priced lounge near you for the price of a day's state pension or an NHS dental check-up.
Prices are inclusive of current VAT. A discretionary service charge of 12.5% will be added to your bill.
There is, I hope, a corner of hell reserved for mixologists. But as career choices go, I fear it pays well.