People of London. It is now 2012, which is a joyous time of national celebration and no mistake. However, your collective abuse of the New Year means that LOCOG has been forced to take out an injunction against you all. Stop disrespecting ourbrand, or pay up.
Ever since midnight on Sunday, Londoners have been taking the name of the New Year in vain. "It's 2012!" you say, "Happy 2012!", without ever acknowledging that you are exploiting the very core of the London 2012 brand. It says 2012 on your phone, it says 2012 on your emails, it even says 2012 on that calendar of kittens you've just hung in the kitchen. How dare you mention 2012™ without seeking our permission first, how dare you?
We cannot allow Londoners to endanger the Organising Committee's most valuable asset. The London 2012 brand is fundamental to the Games. It is how we identify the Games, how we communicate our ambition, and how we drive excitement and enthusiasm for the Games. We demand that you stop this numerical prostitution, heretofore and hencewith.
It is entirely illegal to make passing reference to 2012™ thanks to a law we had passed six years ago. This decrees that certain key words are protected Games Marks, and must never be associated with non-Olympic use in audio or visual form. Words like "Games", "summer" and "bronze" are all financially protected, along with contractions and combinations such as "Olympix Gold Kebab Takeaway", This might sound like megalomania, but copyright security is essential if we are to pay off the debts from all those ribbons we have to buy for the Opening Ceremony.
We demand that you change your behaviour and amend your speech. Watch, and learn:
Instead of "Today is January 3rd 2012" say "Today is three days after 2011." Instead of signing legal documents "03/01/2012" write "03/01/12" Instead of "My baby is due in June 2012" say "I'm having a baby in a special year, I am very blessed." Instead of "Do you have any 2012 tickets?" say "Do you have any Inspirational National Event tickets?" Instead of "2012 is turning out to be a shit year already" say "I think I'll just pop down to John Lewis and buy a cuddly Mandeville."
In July, it will also become illegal to mention the word "London" in public. We will issue further instructions at this time.
We demand that you maintain this charade until 10th September, at which point the Games will be over and everyone at LOCOG will be made redundant so we don't care what the hell you say after that. Until then, please remember that this year is trademarked to us.
A very happy Two Thousand And Dozen to everyone in Capital UK, and let's all enjoy Sports Merchandising Fortnight when it arrives.
What's on this weekend? Spring Into Summer Saturday 30 & Sunday 31 May
40 free guided London walks. Purley Festival Friday 29 - Sunday 5 June
Bunting week, below Croydon. E17 Art Trail Sat 30th May - Sun 14th June
250 arty Walthamstow things.