diamond geezer

 Tuesday, March 20, 2012

MEMO: To all diamond geezer shareholders


EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: The government's NHS reforms will divert billions of pounds of public money into the private sector. This creates a unique window of opportunity, enabling newly-established companies to make a tidy profit by undertaking functions formerly commissioned using taxpayers' money. We, the shareholders of diamond geezer, must therefore seize this opportunity to set up our own medical services company. Privatised fund-siphoning is The New Way Forward for healthcare management, and as entrepreneurs we deserve our fair share of the spoils.

RATIONALE: In the new NHS, actual medical experience isn't important. What's required are project management skills, outsourcing experience, and a business head that can sniff out a fresh opportunity. In the new NHS, full patient recovery is no longer the desired outcome. Instead customers should embrace the new stakeholder paradigm, working towards a positive wellness differential enabled by target-driven consultancy. We can do that.

TARGET AUDIENCE: Rather than devote our new service company to something complex and surgical, we should instead aim for the NHS's low-hanging fruit. That's why we've chosen to make our money by treating fat people. There are millions of obese adults in Britain, and everything about them is getting bigger. Better still, it's incredibly difficult to accidentally kill overweight patients by offering them inadequate dietary advice, so there's minimal danger of ending up on the receiving end of major litigation. We must use the obesity timebomb to our own advantage, and squeeze our profits from patient expansion.

BRAND IDENTITY: Our new company is to be called Diamond Obesity Services Healthcare. I'm delighted to announce that we've persuaded Shirley Williams to join the Board, for credibility's sake.

BUSINESS CASE: Profit maximisation is assured, because fat patients are incredibly easy to treat. For our initial consultation all we do is email them a diet sheet and tell them to read it. This saves on hiring premises. Then we insist they go for a walk around their local park three times a week. This saves on holding clinics. Then we invite them to weigh themselves weekly and send us their data by text message. This saves on employing medical professionals. Should any patient accidentally become thinner, we fire off a "target achieved" email to the Healthcare Commissioning Board to claim our financial bonus. Otherwise we'll blame the patient for being obese in the first place, because this is accepted NHS policy. And this particular operational charade can be continued for months or even years, allowing us to accrue additional profit with every passing budgetary period.

RISK MITIGATION: Occasionally obese patients develop expensive complications, such as cardiac failure or diabetes. That won't be a problem for us, because we're only a low-level healthcare service operation with low-level contractual requirements. As soon as anything costly and awkward crops up we simply transfer the patient to another NHS-designated holding company, and their insurers take the financial hit instead of us. Rest assured, this is a genuine copper-bottomed no-risk investment opportunity.

SERVICE LEVEL AGREEMENT: Our company will offer discounted treatment to Liberal Democrats, just to say thankyou.

BOTTOM LINE: Legally it doesn't matter that we're a bunch of charlatans. All that's important is persuading GPs and hospitals to commission our services, because then we get their funding. So long as we're the cheaper option, why would any doctor managing their own budget send anyone to an expensive college-trained medical professional? Patient choice should be seen purely as a business opportunity, and a chance to redirect money away from overpaid public servants and into the coffers of opportunism.

NOTICE TO SHAREHOLDERS: On this momentous day for the NHS, please help us to bleed it dry by investing your money with us. Because private health insurance doesn't come cheap, and we think you might be needing some much sooner than you think.

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