PR folk continue to send me PR emails asking if I'll join their PR bandwagon and promote their PR agenda. And I continue to turn them down, because I never do that sort of thing. Here are some of the choicer pleadings I've wilfully turned down recently.
Rebecca fired off an email last month offering me £50 worth of free taxi rides if I was willing to review her London taxi app. I wasn't willing, as you'll have noticed, and politely told her so. Ignorant of my response, her colleague Joan decided to introduce herself last week. Here's her request, which is an almost perfect misfire on every level.
Hi! Nice to meet you! I believe the follow-up to your “Random Borough” project should have something to do with food or drink... Maybe ordering “a random drink” at different bars, or going to a random restaurant each time and ordering the same dish (shepherd's pie!). The foodies of the world (including me) will definitely appreciate it! I thought you’d also like the idea of free transportation for your next adventures in London :) I work at <London taxi app> -- a black cab ordering app, and we’re giving away cab rides to some of the best bloggers and journalists in London. We’d love to know what you think and maybe your readers would too.
I had to point out to Joan that a) I'm not a foodie, b) I don't have a smartphone, c) I never travel by taxi and d) I never promote stuff. Also, surely one "No thanks" email should be enough? Joan's promised never to contact me again. I live in hope.
Richard had also failed on a previous attempt to attract my attention, so he tried the direct approach.
PROMOTE THIS YOU "BLOGGER" <http://artpromotionthing.com/art-london-app-features.html>
The direct approach proved EQUALLY UNSUCCESSFUL.
Jorge missed the point.
I know you don't want marketing emails. Does this include informative editorial requests? I want some coverage on Bishopsgate and the financial quarter. If it's appropriate, can we discuss?
No Jorge, we so couldn't.
Sarah was entirely mistaken.
Good to chat to you just now and as explained, delivery diet brand, <Diet Brand>, has uncovered some shocking truths about British snacking behaviour - not least that more than one in ten of us (12%) would rather snack than have sex.
I had to point out to Sarah that we hadn't chatted just now, because I'd have told here where to stick her entirely pointless survey. "Apologies", she said, but "predictive email struck and meant to send it to someone else." A bit worrying that, I thought, given that we'd never exchanged emails before.
Another Sarah contacted me with a potentially amazing offer.
Hey Diamond Geezer, We really like your website and presentation style, we thought you may be interested in this opportunity as you have been covering the Olympics... <Top Olympic Sponsor> is looking for a talented blogger to send to the London 2012 Olympics, and to report on the Games in your own unique style. It's an all-expenses-paid trip. We think you'd be a great candidate.
Oddly enough, an all-expenses trip to London didn't excite me as much as Sarah hoped. And she wasn't offering me the job, she was merely pointing out auditions for the first round of a global competition. But I don't do video blogs, Sarah, I write stuff. And my new <Top Olympic Sponsor> camera is so <expletive deleted> that I have zero brand love for your company. You're better off without me, and I'm better off without you.
Finally, here's a novel approach I hadn't seen before. Victoria tweeted me last week with the offer of a free ticket to a black tie royal gala dinner!
This is for an Olympic fund raiser taking place tonight at the Royal Albert Hall, in support our top Team GB athletes. It features performers such as <boy-band member> and <former Spice Girl>, in the presence of <balding young prince> and <his radiant wife>. Most attendees had to shell out well over £100 for a ticket, whereas I can have one for nothing, apparently, so long as I brush up nicely and write kind things. I have absolutely no intention of going, because I have principles and it all sounds socially hideous. But you might have no such scruples. It strikes me that Victoria has no idea what I look like, so if one of you went in my place she'd be none the wiser. Would you like to attend this tonight? DM me your number and I'll get you on the list :)
And to any other PR folk out there, the usual message. Please, you're wasting your time, so don't bother.
What's on this weekend? Spring Into Summer Saturday 30 & Sunday 31 May
40 free guided London walks. Purley Festival Friday 29 - Sunday 5 June
Bunting week, below Croydon. E17 Art Trail Sat 30th May - Sun 14th June
250 arty Walthamstow things.