diamond geezer

 Thursday, June 28, 2012

"Hello Sir, and welcome to London's newest airport. Have you flown with us before?"

"We don't actually fly to Dubai from here, you understand, nor to any other part of the Middle East. But we do have regular services to North London and back again. We're expecting the service to be very popular."

"Would you like to check in your luggage Sir? That's a shame because we don't allow large suitcases on board. The cabin's only small and there's no stowage space. We've modelled ourselves on Ryanair, so passengers with only hand-luggage are given vastly preferential treatment. Or bicycles. We'd take your bicycle, Sir, if only you had one."

"First or second class, Sir? Most of our passengers fly economy, but that might mean sharing your row of seats with a screaming baby, several bouncy children or a bloke eating a kebab. Trapped with them in midair for the entire journey and no possible means of escape, imagine that. Or I could offer you an exclusive first class flight for just £86 return, with no other passengers in the cabin, guaranteed. Can I tempt you Sir?"

"Please have your boarding pass ready, Sir. If you have a contactless card you can go straight through, otherwise you'll have to queue here for manual processing. No really, Sir, it's very good value for money. Our stand-by fare is only £6 a mile, whereas our flights to Dubai normally cost 15p a mile."

"We don't offer reserved seating, Sir. It's a free for all, first come first served. But do try to get a window seat if you can. There are some excellent views of the North Greenwich Arena overspill car park and the Royal Docks riverside industrial wasteland."

"Before you board your flight I need to ask you to pass through those gates over there. No, they're not security, Sir. We allow passengers aboard our flights without any kind of scan or friskdown, it's company policy. We've done our risk assessment, and the worst that could happen is an explosion bringing the entire structure crashing down into the Thames. But we don't think that's likely, Sir."

"Chicken or pasta? We do neither, Sir, it's only a five minute flight. But we do have a duty-free trolley service in the terminal building offering drinks, snacks and light refreshments."

"There may be some turbulence during your flight, Sir. It's a steep ascent from the terminal, and then you can expect several bumps as the cabin levels out. No we don't have seat belts, we don't believe they're necessary. If there's any trouble just buzz the stewardess. She's on the ground in the control tower rather than on board, but don't worry, her beady eye is keeping watch over you."

"There isn't time for an in-flight movie, Sir, but we will be showing you some adverts. Adverts for ourselves, obviously, to encourage you to take a proper long haul flight later. You probably saw rather a lot of adverts all over the walls at the tube station on the way here, and on our sponsored London route map. We'd hate international tourists not to know we exist."

"Don't worry about the landing, Sir, that's taken care of by auto-pilot. You may have to wait a while at the carousel, but it's a domestic flight so there's no Customs to walk through. I should warn you there's bugger all at your destination, apart from a Londis and a Tesco Express, and an exhibition centre with no exhibitions for the next month. But our staff will be only too happy to sell you another flight back. Can I interest you in a frequent flyer pass, Sir? ...Sir?"

<< click for Newer posts

click for Older Posts >>

click to return to the main page

...or read more in my monthly archives
Jan18  Feb18  Mar18  Apr18  May18  Jun18  Jul18
Jan17  Feb17  Mar17  Apr17  May17  Jun17  Jul17  Aug17  Sep17  Oct17  Nov17  Dec17
Jan16  Feb16  Mar16  Apr16  May16  Jun16  Jul16  Aug16  Sep16  Oct16  Nov16  Dec16
Jan15  Feb15  Mar15  Apr15  May15  Jun15  Jul15  Aug15  Sep15  Oct15  Nov15  Dec15
Jan14  Feb14  Mar14  Apr14  May14  Jun14  Jul14  Aug14  Sep14  Oct14  Nov14  Dec14
Jan13  Feb13  Mar13  Apr13  May13  Jun13  Jul13  Aug13  Sep13  Oct13  Nov13  Dec13
Jan12  Feb12  Mar12  Apr12  May12  Jun12  Jul12  Aug12  Sep12  Oct12  Nov12  Dec12
Jan11  Feb11  Mar11  Apr11  May11  Jun11  Jul11  Aug11  Sep11  Oct11  Nov11  Dec11
Jan10  Feb10  Mar10  Apr10  May10  Jun10  Jul10  Aug10  Sep10  Oct10  Nov10  Dec10 
Jan09  Feb09  Mar09  Apr09  May09  Jun09  Jul09  Aug09  Sep09  Oct09  Nov09  Dec09
Jan08  Feb08  Mar08  Apr08  May08  Jun08  Jul08  Aug08  Sep08  Oct08  Nov08  Dec08
Jan07  Feb07  Mar07  Apr07  May07  Jun07  Jul07  Aug07  Sep07  Oct07  Nov07  Dec07
Jan06  Feb06  Mar06  Apr06  May06  Jun06  Jul06  Aug06  Sep06  Oct06  Nov06  Dec06
Jan05  Feb05  Mar05  Apr05  May05  Jun05  Jul05  Aug05  Sep05  Oct05  Nov05  Dec05
Jan04  Feb04  Mar04  Apr04  May04  Jun04  Jul04  Aug04  Sep04  Oct04  Nov04  Dec04
Jan03  Feb03  Mar03  Apr03  May03  Jun03  Jul03  Aug03  Sep03  Oct03  Nov03  Dec03
 Jan02  Feb02  Mar02  Apr02  May02  Jun02  Jul02 Aug02  Sep02  Oct02  Nov02  Dec02 

eXTReMe Tracker
jack of diamonds
Life viewed from London E3

» email me
» follow me on twitter
» follow the blog on Twitter
» follow the blog on RSS

my flickr photostream