Sir Sideburned Cyclist: For whopping the French at their own game. In any normal year, the only sportsman to get a knighthood... but 2012 is no normal year. Sir Consistent Sailor: For grabbing lots of medals over the years, in a sport the public's only interested in every four years, and then only vaguely. Sir Werewolf Parawheels: For doing really well in the Games that isn't the proper one, but which we now love more. Dame Longslog Paralympian: She's been doing wonderful bike-y things at these Games for years, but only this year do we care enough to give her the biggie. Sir Skyteam Coach: For being quite involved in cycling, which is so flavour of the month that anyone who's big in the saddle can have a big award this year. Dame Golden Postbox: Another cyclist yadda yadda. Seriously kids, get on your bike now, otherwise you're wasting your life. Mo Mobot CBE: For running very fast on that Saturday when we all cried, and doing that hand gesture everyone likes. County Down Golfer MBE: He's barely started shaving for heavens sake, but we need to get our Northern Irish quota in. Betty The Lollipop Lady No-BE: Not this year love, it's only the sportsmen and women who deserve our praise. Equestrian Dressagelady MBE: Because we're dishing out gongs to everyone who won a gold medal this summer - think of it as a 2-for-1 offer. Strictly Lewis MBE: For doing good in gymnastics, but especially for looking good in spandex. Sandra Gamesmaker McBE: For your selfless volunteering that made the summer, have a five pound McDonalds gift token. Dunblane Racketeer OBE: After years of not winning, and therefore being innately disappointing, actually winning in the one year when sport matters. Heather Small OBE: For services to winning the Olympics in the first place. Lord Civilservant of Cheam: It's business as usual in the main body of the honours list. Baron Torydonor: Sssh, while you're looking at all the Olympi-winners, we're giving dukedoms to our friends. Paralympic Silver Medallist: Nothing for you, dear. You let some foreigner beat you, so all your years of training and selfless dedication are utterly wasted. Dame Clare Balding: Not for a few more years, if that's OK with you. Sir Opening Ceremony: What do you mean, you don't want a knighthood? Do you have principles or something? Dave Former DJ: No, we're not risking any male BBC employees this year, just in case the skeleton in their closet escapes. Lord Coe: He's already a Baron so we can't really give him much else, but the Queen will be sending him a nice monogrammed canteen of cutlery to say thanks ever so.
If you know any Olympians who didn't get an honour this year, tip us the wink and we'll fit them in next summer.
What's on this weekend? Spring Into Summer Saturday 30 & Sunday 31 May
40 free guided London walks. Purley Festival Friday 29 - Sunday 5 June
Bunting week, below Croydon. E17 Art Trail Sat 30th May - Sun 14th June
250 arty Walthamstow things.