diamond geezer

 Thursday, May 09, 2013

Prime Ministerial briefing paper - embargo 09/05/13

RE-CLASS-IFICATION

Hi David

We've had this excellent idea down at the Department, and we wondered awfully whether you might be able to squeeze it into your Queen's Speech next year?

It's regarding the class system. When Britain was great, it used to look like this...

UPPER CLASS
MIDDLE CLASS
LOWER CLASS

But then things went all PC and somehow this happened...

WE ARE ALL EQUAL

...which is obviously ghastly, and so very at odds with the meritocracy we want to impose.

What Britain needs is a class system for the 21st century. One that rewards endeavour over expectation, and raises strivers over skivers. We think we've found it.

ELITE CLASS
PRIVATE CLASS
PUBLIC CLASS
UNDERCLASS

The new system has four classes rather than three, to better divide the population and thus increase aspiration. In particular we have chosen to split the main body of the proletariat into those salaried by the private sector and those subsidised by the public sector. As we hasten the drive to sell off government services, clearly every employee we can shift into a private company is better deserving of our respect.

The table above provides an overview of the new class system, but there'll also be a detailed series of subdivisions for government use. This will enable us to fine tune the ranking of our population, and will also pass on further subliminal messages about what's really important in this country.

ELITE
CLASS
1a ROYALTY & THE PEERAGE Because nothing ever changes at the very top
1b HM FORCESForever hurrah for Our Boys in the military
1c BANKERSBastards all, but so important to our economy
PRIVATE
CLASS
2a HOMESOWNERSAnyone with a second home has really made it
2b HOMEOWNERSBecause an Englishman's castle is his home
2c RENTERSOnly social failures and young people rent
PUBLIC
CLASS
3a STATE PENSIONERSThe bedrock of our nation (and they still vote)
3b UPPER PROFESSIONALSJudges, midwives, immigration officials, etc
3c LOWER PROFESSIONALSTeachers, nurses, social workers, librarians, etc
UNDER-
CLASS
4a STUDENTSSupposedly intelligent individuals on loans
4b FAMILIES ON BENEFITSWe especially hate any with more than three kids
4c THE DISABLEDThey could probably get jobs if they tried
4d THE UNEMPLOYEDWastrels who need to look for work harder
4e PRISONERSElite class members are exempt from this category
4f IMMIGRANTSOur focus group told us to put them at the bottom

We intend to disseminate this new ladder of aspiration through a series of lifestyle articles published in Mail Online. We're hoping that Mumsnet will pick up the underlying subtext, and that the BBC News Magazine will launch a "What class are you really?" interactive quiz.

Our ultimate aim is a fully reclassified society in which tax breaks and state benefits are paid in proportion to the intrinsic value of an individual. In essence we need to re-establish the fact that some people are inherently better than others. I think we're nearly there, David, but one last push should fix society for good.

Yours hierarchically,

A. Minister


<< click for Newer posts

click for Older Posts >>


click to return to the main page


...or read more in my monthly archives
Jan17  Feb17  Mar17  Apr17
Jan16  Feb16  Mar16  Apr16  May16  Jun16  Jul16  Aug16  Sep16  Oct16  Nov16  Dec16
Jan15  Feb15  Mar15  Apr15  May15  Jun15  Jul15  Aug15  Sep15  Oct15  Nov15  Dec15
Jan14  Feb14  Mar14  Apr14  May14  Jun14  Jul14  Aug14  Sep14  Oct14  Nov14  Dec14
Jan13  Feb13  Mar13  Apr13  May13  Jun13  Jul13  Aug13  Sep13  Oct13  Nov13  Dec13
Jan12  Feb12  Mar12  Apr12  May12  Jun12  Jul12  Aug12  Sep12  Oct12  Nov12  Dec12
Jan11  Feb11  Mar11  Apr11  May11  Jun11  Jul11  Aug11  Sep11  Oct11  Nov11  Dec11
Jan10  Feb10  Mar10  Apr10  May10  Jun10  Jul10  Aug10  Sep10  Oct10  Nov10  Dec10 
Jan09  Feb09  Mar09  Apr09  May09  Jun09  Jul09  Aug09  Sep09  Oct09  Nov09  Dec09
Jan08  Feb08  Mar08  Apr08  May08  Jun08  Jul08  Aug08  Sep08  Oct08  Nov08  Dec08
Jan07  Feb07  Mar07  Apr07  May07  Jun07  Jul07  Aug07  Sep07  Oct07  Nov07  Dec07
Jan06  Feb06  Mar06  Apr06  May06  Jun06  Jul06  Aug06  Sep06  Oct06  Nov06  Dec06
Jan05  Feb05  Mar05  Apr05  May05  Jun05  Jul05  Aug05  Sep05  Oct05  Nov05  Dec05
Jan04  Feb04  Mar04  Apr04  May04  Jun04  Jul04  Aug04  Sep04  Oct04  Nov04  Dec04
Jan03  Feb03  Mar03  Apr03  May03  Jun03  Jul03  Aug03  Sep03  Oct03  Nov03  Dec03
 Jan02  Feb02  Mar02  Apr02  May02  Jun02  Jul02 Aug02  Sep02  Oct02  Nov02  Dec02 

eXTReMe Tracker
jack of diamonds
Life viewed from London E3

» email me
» follow me on twitter
» follow the blog on Twitter
» follow the blog on RSS

my flickr photostream