Prime Ministerial briefing paper - embargo 09/05/13
We've had this excellent idea down at the Department, and we wondered awfully whether you might be able to squeeze it into your Queen's Speech next year?
It's regarding the class system. When Britain was great, it used to look like this...
But then things went all PC and somehow this happened...
WE ARE ALL EQUAL
...which is obviously ghastly, and so very at odds with the meritocracy we want to impose.
What Britain needs is a class system for the 21st century. One that rewards endeavour over expectation, and raises strivers over skivers. We think we've found it.
The new system has four classes rather than three, to better divide the population and thus increase aspiration. In particular we have chosen to split the main body of the proletariat into those salaried by the private sector and those subsidised by the public sector. As we hasten the drive to sell off government services, clearly every employee we can shift into a private company is better deserving of our respect.
The table above provides an overview of the new class system, but there'll also be a detailed series of subdivisions for government use. This will enable us to fine tune the ranking of our population, and will also pass on further subliminal messages about what's really important in this country.
1a ROYALTY & THE PEERAGE
Because nothing ever changes at the very top
1b HM FORCES
Forever hurrah for Our Boys in the military
Bastards all, but so important to our economy
Anyone with a second home has really made it
Because an Englishman's castle is his home
Only social failures and young people rent
3a STATE PENSIONERS
The bedrock of our nation (and they still vote)
3b UPPER PROFESSIONALS
Judges, midwives, immigration officials, etc
3c LOWER PROFESSIONALS
Teachers, nurses, social workers, librarians, etc
Supposedly intelligent individuals on loans
4b FAMILIES ON BENEFITS
We especially hate any with more than three kids
4c THE DISABLED
They could probably get jobs if they tried
4d THE UNEMPLOYED
Wastrels who need to look for work harder
Elite class members are exempt from this category
Our focus group told us to put them at the bottom
We intend to disseminate this new ladder of aspiration through a series of lifestyle articles published in Mail Online. We're hoping that Mumsnet will pick up the underlying subtext, and that the BBC News Magazine will launch a "What class are you really?" interactive quiz.
Our ultimate aim is a fully reclassified society in which tax breaks and state benefits are paid in proportion to the intrinsic value of an individual. In essence we need to re-establish the fact that some people are inherently better than others. I think we're nearly there, David, but one last push should fix society for good.