diamond geezer

 Wednesday, October 23, 2013

It's six months since I last warned marketing folk not to darken my inbox with sales promotions. You know the sort of thing.
Hi
I just wanted to let you know about a new West End development report that I think you and your readers will find interesting.
It's a press release about million-pound-plus houses, Dita. Please go away.
Hi
I have a site <kitchen website> that sells kitchens into London and saves Londoners money. Any chance I could get a link with a story to my site??
Not a hope in hell, John.
Good afternoon, I hope you are well.
I am contacting you today on behalf of <hotel company>, one of the brands I work alongside, to extend an invitation to their Blogger Travel Conference coming up in London. The Conference is being held on the 7th October at the <4* Kensington hotel> from 6:30pm and will be an opportunity to meet those in your sector, gain some insight into the Travel industry and question a panel of experts including Simon Calder Senior Travel Editor for The Independent. I attach the official ‘save the date’ invitation with more information.
Georgina made the fatal error of forgetting to attach the invitation, which is surely a sacking error for an 'Outreach Intern'. Fortunately for Georgina her manager Micaela had sent me an identical email two days before, and remembered. The event sounded ghastly. It sounded even ghastlier when I read a "25% Off Voucher Code" post from a blogger who attended.
Dear all,
I’m contacting you with regards to an exciting new vinyl release coming out early November on <record label> that you'll hopefully be interested in. It’s a 10” vinyl follow up from Newcastle based <Newcastle based band> titled ‘<Bodypart>’. Comparisons can be drawn to the likes of <Never Heard Of Them>, <Never Heard Of Them Either>, <Nor Them> and <Them Neither>, who I know you have shown an interest in over the last few years.
'Dear all' is never a great opener, Matt. And my musical taste doesn't stretch as far as 'trouncing waves of distortion delivered over a bed of vigorous clunk.' So that's a no.
Hello,
I’m Bree, like the cheese but not spelt the same ;) - I hope you don’t mind me getting in touch. I work on behalf of <office agency> and together we’re currently working on a rather exciting infographic I wanted to share with you.
Bree has yet to learn that infographics are not exciting, except in the eyes of their creator. She also made the fatal mistake of attaching an in-bread cat to her email, which made me realise she was from the same PR agency I ridiculed back in April for sending me a nauseous missive with an identical attachment. After the email conversation that followed, I trust that nobody at Render Positive will ever contact me again.

Which is more than can be said for 'engagemement agency' Weber Shandwick, who sent me this limp invite last month.
Hello,
Please find below listings information for the <margarine> field of sunflowers which will be popping up this Wednesday in London:
I've got very tired of Weber Shandwick sending me PR emails when I've specifically asked them not to. So I told them so.
Hi <Female 4>
In September 2011 I asked <Female 1> from webershandwick.com not to send me any more PR emails.
In October 2011 I asked <Female 2> from webershandwick.com not to send me any more PR emails.
In November 2011 I asked <Male 1> from webershandwick.com not to send me any more PR emails, twice.
In November 2011 I asked <Female 1> from webershandwick.com not to send me any more PR emails, again.
In February 2012 I asked <Female 3> from webershandwick.com not to send me any more PR emails.
In May 2012 I asked <Male 2> from webershandwick.com not to send me any more PR emails.
In May 2012 I asked <Female 3> from webershandwick.com not to send me any more PR emails, again.
In March 2013 I asked <Male 3> from webershandwick.com not to send me any more PR emails.
In April 2013 I asked <Male 4> from webershandwick.com not to send me any more PR emails.
I would be very pleased if webershandwick.com never sent me another PR email again ever.
Many thanks, dg
How incompetent does an agency have to be to ignore ten polite requests? I'm pleased to say that <Female 4> replied swiftly to apologise, and claimed that my details had been removed from the company's database. I've heard nothing since.

But blimey, I can see why some bloggers sell out so easily, because sometimes there's money in this!
Hello!
I am contacting you on behalf of our client as we are interested in an ad on your site for a period of 12 months.
We are particularly interested in the following 2 options only:
Are you ready for this? The secrets of monetised blogging lie ahead.
1. Published article on an inner page of the website. We can provide the content and ensure it is relevant to the theme of your website. The content would include a sentence with a reference to an online casino. For this we can offer $120 for 12 months.
You've no doubt seen several examples of this sort of thing, although you may not have realised at the time. They're often innocuous-looking posts with a single sponsored link hidden within. Maybe a bland post about the sights of London with a sudden mention of travel insurance, or something anodyne about shopping with a link to an out-of-the-way hotel. You'll note that Lucie's email didn't demand a post on my homepage, I could hide it away somewhere like April 2008 and she'd still get sufficient link-love to boost her SEO. And for this prostitution I'd get £75. Easy money. Like I say, keep your eye open for this sort of thing as you click round the web, and move on.
2. An image ad on the homepage only linking to an online casino. The image is 125x125 in size and can be below the fold. For this we can offer $150 for 12 months.
That's a tiny little advert, not much bigger than a postage stamp, for which Lucie's willing to pay me almost £100 a year. And again she doesn't need the ad to be visible, she doesn't need anyone to see it and click on it. Instead she just needs Google's bots to spot the casino link on my blog's homepage to bump their site further up the rankings. An easy win for her, a cash windfall for me, but wholesale cheapening in the eyes of everyone else.

So just to say one more time, this blog does not engage in promotion on request, not even for pieces of silver. Offenders will be ignored. Repeat offenders will be rebuked. Serial offenders will be publicly named and shamed. And I suspect that's not the sort of promotion you want.


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