It's cold, very cold, suddenly properly cold, like we haven't had since last winter, well April actually, so cold, definitely time to have the heating on, all that cash going to British Gas, have you seen how much they put their prices up, it's daylight robbery, or stick another two jumpers on, and it's never warm even with the heating on, and you still have to dress up warm to go out otherwise you shiver, have you seen what people are wearing all of a sudden, lots of pixie hats, lots of knitted floppy things, lots of completely over the top scarves, do people know what they look like, I mean really, and we didn't even get a proper autumn did we, all the leaves stayed sort of green for ages, then it got cold and the wind took them and they fell off, so where were the glorious reds and golds and browns, not this November I guess, and now it won't be warm again for months, properly months, definitely not next month or the month after, not a chance, we only have cold and ice to look forward to, all slippery and dangerous underfoot, and probably snow, and none of the nice stuff, oh no, I mean the slushy grey snow that hangs around for days, even weeks, because it's cold.
It's dark, like really dark, the sun just goes down so early and it's so dark, admittedly no darker than we get at night at other times of the year but this is supposed to be daytime, I mean at four o'clock at other times of the year you can still enjoy six more hours outside, but not November, oh no, the evening just rolls in, one minute it's teatime the next it's pitch black, you go to leave the office and it's just dark, and it was dark when you got up too, that's November for you, and still the idiots in the office insist on having the blinds down, sun's low apparently, shining on their computer screens poor dears, so even when the sun does come out we can't see it, the bastards, and the nights won't be getting noticeably longer again for ages, at least two months, although this does mean more opportunities to do some astronomy, see the stars, except it's usually cloudy, and when it isn't cloudy it's bloody cold so you stand outside and you freeze, it's grim, and so black, all those poor cyclists recently, getting knocked over and killed, it can't be a coincidence the clocks have just gone back, it just stops you wanting to go out really, stops you wanting to do anything, because it's dark.
It's miserable, proper miserable, a combination of cold and dark, and not just that, it's just a rubbish month, not proper Christmas, but all the shops are pretending it is, I swear if I see that John Lewis advert one more time, and does anyone really buy Iceland party food, in November I mean, and how I hate I'm A Celebrity, every November, bunch of jumped-up has-beens munching on kangaroo testicles, and Ant and Dec looking smug, as if Pudsey wasn't smug enough, every bloody November, and now there's that Movember thing too, sheesh, all that embarrassing facial hair like it's 1973 again, on people far too young to remember, and who is it still letting off fireworks, that was weeks ago you morons, not forgetting the inescapable X Factor, I mean who actually cares, and November's when you get your first winter cold, that light sniffle that turns into a phlegmy torrent for a fortnight, and you know who gave it to you, that idiot who sneezed in your tube carriage on Monday, did she not have a handkerchief, a cold's the last thing you want, just makes you feel worse, more depressed, because November's just 30 days of prolonged suffering, and oh so miserable.
