diamond geezer

 Wednesday, May 07, 2014

The latest tube strike settlement, by confirming a toothless station by station review, ensures that every ticket office will certainly close. But what will we do with them next year?

40 things to do with a vacant ticket office

1) Open a Starbucks franchise
2) Fit out as a bijou studio flat (£399,000 ono)
3) Invite a chamber quartet to play every morning and evening rush hour
4) Fill it with Amazon click and collect lockers
5) Write a different witty quotation on the glass every day
6) Open as part of a Japanese capsule hotel chain
7) Replace the glass with an iPad showing the TfL website
8) Convert to a row of cashpoints (undoubtedly Barclays)
9) Use as a prayer room for multi-faith staff and passengers
10) Lock it securely, because on-duty staff must have no place to hide
11) Open a Costa franchise
12) Write "Inspire a Generation" in magenta, to evoke the spirit of the Olympics
13) Use as a Transport Police lock-up
14) Cover the frontage with electronic advertising frames
15) Open a florist (or, in poor neighbourhoods, a food bank)
16) Open a nailbar (or, in poor neighbourhoods, a betting shop)
17) Hide a hemp farm, nobody'll notice
18) Write "Personalised customer service centre" above an arrow pointing into the ticket hall
19) Relocate the local public library
20) Stick up a jaunty poster advertising the cablecar (which is fully staffed and has two ticket offices)
21) Open a Cafe Nero franchise
22) Add hotdesks to relocate TfL employees currently taking up valuable office space in 55 Broadway
23) Sell chocolate, gum, water, fags and Red Bull
24) Dish out Time Outs on Tuesday, Stylist on Wednesday, Shortlist on Thursday and Sport on Friday
25) Hire out the space for yoga
26) Stick up a poster listing the six Visitor Information Centres where you can buy a ticket
27) Open a pop-up boutique/creperie/ginjoint/handbagshop/whatever
28) Add a mirror, so it looks like the member of staff in the ticket hall is really in the ticket office
29) Board up the windows and scrawl "97% of travellers never used this" on the plywood cover
30) Fill it with water and fish, and allow passengers to stare into the aquarium
31) Open a TfL-branded coffee franchise
32) Replace with a multi-function Oyster top-up touchpad
33) Add a chiller cabinet, and store bags of Asda Online groceries for homebound customers
34) Get some artist to cover the exterior with Art on the Underground art
35) Sell newspapers, for about a month before they go out of favour too
36) Disperse London Zoo's caged birds and small mammals, each to a different station, to boost tourism
37) Place a Tube Staff Benevolent Society charity box on the ledge outside
38) Display a digital stream of positive uplifting on-message tweets about tube modernisation
39) Add a heritage plaque: "Antiquated Victorian ticket office 1863-2015"
40) Pay someone to sit inside, answer customer queries and sell tickets

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