30 things I've learnt about sex over the last 30 years
1) Nothing ever prepares you for the first time... 2) ... not even the fact that the biology textbook always falls open at the same page 3) The first time is always a ghastly mistake (I'm extrapolating this from a single occurrence, obviously) 4) The second time isn't much better 5) It does get better eventually, but intermittently 6) Some people need it regularly and crave quantity over quality (oddly enough they're the unlucky ones) 7) Some people don't need it regularly and prefer quality to quantity (oddly enough they're the fortunate ones) 8) People in the former category should wash their sheets more often 9) You should always know where your towel is (ideally within arm's reach) 10) The nagging urge that says you must do it because it'll be excellent is too often wrong 11) You always wish you were doing it more frequently than you actually are 12) Sometimes you can wait for months only for it to last for seconds 13) Remember, the other person's supposed to enjoy the experience at least as much as you are 14) People who you'd really like to do it with generally don't want to do it with you 15) People who'd really like to do it with you, you'd generally not touch with a bargepole 16) You only spot people you'd really like to do it with when it's impossible to make contact with them (eg at a funeral, on the opposite escalator, from the top of a bus, on the way into work) 17) Just because someone's gorgeous doesn't make them compatible 18) Always listen to the small inner voice that screams "no, don't" (because it's invariably correct) 19) Certain very bad things are actually terribly enjoyable 20) Eventually you'll work out how you like to do it best (only to be disappointed how few other people like to do it that way) 21) Unprotected, no other activity can either create a life or destroy it 22) Never do it without considering all the possible consequences 23) Never do it in a single bed and stay the night (your spine will regret it) 24) The internet has made doing it much easier 25) The smartphone has made doing it ridiculously easy 26) Just because it's become ridiculously easy to do, doesn't mean everyone's doing it 27) As you get older, you may still want to do it but fewer people are interested 28) There's nothing worse than waking up next to someone you realise you shouldn't have done it with 29) There's nothing better than doing it, then falling asleep in the arms of the one you love (but only so long as they're thinking the same thing) 30) You'll never forget the first time, but you won't notice it's the last time
