| | Labour coalition | It's complicated | Conservative coalition |
| Thursday (am) | Ed Miliband heads down to the polling station to carve his vote in stone. | Nigel Farage dons a horned helmet and rides a tank into Ramsgate’s floral gardens. | Voters in marginal constituencies awake to find a free copy of The Sun stuffed in their letterbox. |
| Thursday (am) | Boris Johnson is seen piling all his Mayoral paperwork into an archive box. | All the stubby pencils in Thanet South have been replaced by shiny purple biros. | For one day only, McDonalds launch the half price Red Ed Bacon Burger. |
| Thursday (pm) | When alone with their conscience in the polling booth, voters choose to spite the rich bastards. | When alone with their conscience in the polling booth, voters choose to keep the darkies out. | When alone with their conscience in the polling booth, voters choose to keep the economy 'on track'. |
| Thursday (10pm) | As Big Ben bongs, it looks like the Conservatives will only have 15 seats more than Labour, so have lost. | The BBC, ITV and Sky all announce the results of their joint exit poll, and each calls it a different way. | Adding up the predictions, it becomes apparent that Shy Tories emerged in large numbers when nobody was looking. |
| Friday (am) | As the numbers come in, it becomes clear that England’s future rests solely on what Scotland thinks. | As the numbers come in, it becomes clear that the nightmare arithmetical scenario is coming true. | As the numbers come in, it becomes clear that the new government will contain only English MPs. |
| Friday (am) | A constituency nobody thought was marginal is suddenly the most marginal in the country. | People staying up to watch the results fall asleep before the crucial seats at 6am. | Despite not standing, Lutfur Rahman is elected MP for Bethnal Green and Bow. |
| Friday (pm) | Despite having fewer seats, Labour spin doctors call the election for their favourite second place party. | Nick Clegg loses his seat, and both main parties throw a thick portfolio of options into the shredder. | Despite having no mandate, the Conservative media call the election for their favourite second place party. |
| Weekend | Requirement to reach 323 seats forces new PM to enter a polygamous relationship with three female party leaders. | Requirement to reach 323 seats forces new PM to accept SNP demands on free Tunnocks teacakes for Scots. | Requirement to reach 323 seats forces new PM to accept DUP policies on castrating all known homosexuals. |
| Mid-May | Katie Hopkins flies out of Heathrow, cheered off by a crowd of millions. | Danny Alexander is caught attempting to find a new job with a payday lending firm. | David Miliband flies into Heathrow, to tell his brother he told him so. |
| June | David Cameron resigns, kickstarting six months of infighting. | Nobody resigns, for fear there'll be another election before Christmas. | Ed Miliband resigns, kickstarting six months of infighting. |
| Autumn | Some obscure tax Ed Balls never previously mentioned is massively increased. | No new laws have been passed because the electoral arithmetic is too complicated. | The top rate of tax is halved to boost wealth creation and trickledown, honest. |
| Winter | The mansion tax causes a widow in Kensington to sell off an antique vase. | Nicola Sturgeon demands another Scottish referendum while everyone’s still very angry. | It turns out the cuts don't affect you, only scroungers, so that's alright then. |
| 2016 | Lord Russell Brand is admitted to the cabinet as Minister for Distraction. | The BBC is punished with a halving of the licence fee for not being biased enough. | The Human Rights Act is repealed, because human rights are uneconomic. |
| 2017 | As a condition of coalition, the Lib Dems force a referendum on electoral reform. It fails again. | Immigrants are banned from taking part in the referendum on leaving the EU. | Prime Minister Boris Johnson rubber stamps his own plans for an Estuary airport. |
| 2018 | After a series of weak-willed international negotiations, Russia invades Kent. | The English Parliament's first move is to make afternoon tea compulsory. | Hospital treatment fees are phased in for all non-shareholders. |
| 2019 | The deficit is still larger than a number everyone said it would be smaller than. | The deficit is the least of our problems. | The deficit is reduced to nothing, as is the welfare system. |
| 2020 | After five years of misery, the other lot get in. | After five years of chaos, another lot get in. | After five years of misery, the other lot get in. |
Vote2015: The possibilities
