diamond geezer

 Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Alternative Brexit timeline #37426

June 23: A referendum occurs
June 23 (10pm): The nation's destiny is sealed
June 23 (11pm): In the absence of an exit poll, both sides claim to have won

June 24 (midnight): Somebody promises to eat their hat if the result goes against them
June 24 (1am): Early results from the City of London suggest a thumping win for Remain
June 24 (2am): Early results from not-London suggest unexpectedly high levels of support for Leave
June 24 (3am): Insomniacs busy tweeting "Oh my God this might actually be happening"
June 24 (4am): Nigel Farage opens bottle of champagne and lights big cigar
June 24 (5am): Scotland's looking very much in, South West England's looking very much out
June 24 (6am): "Well, if Birmingham tops 98% then Remain could still win"
June 24 (7am): It becomes clear that the electorate has voted narrowly to Leave
June 24 (8am): Prime Minister David Cameron advises everyone not to panic
June 24 (9am): The pound falls sharply against the dollar
June 24 (10am): Boris Johnson announces "we have taken back control"
June 24 (11am): Share prices fall, and the pound plummets a bit more
June 24 (noon): Boris Johnson apologises for the recession
June 24 (1pm): Government invokes Article 50 of the Lisbon Treaty
June 24 (2pm): David Cameron announces that he definitely won't be resigning
June 24 (3pm): David Cameron resigns
June 24 (4pm): The pound realises it still has a bit further to fall
June 24 (5pm): Leading economists say "we told you so"
June 24 (6pm): Michael Gove is sworn in as stopgap Prime Minister
June 24 (7pm): Fortunately the stock markets have closed
June 24 (8pm): Bank of England cuts interest rates to negative 0.5%
June 24 (9pm): The nation collectively goes down the pub and gets very drunk
June 24 (10pm): The nation discovers that all the cash machines have frozen
June 24 (11pm): A hat is eaten

June 25: Britain wakes up and is aghast/delighted that yesterday actually happened
June 26: Street parties in Romford, Darlington and the Cotswolds
June 27: Police prevent braying mob from burning Remain supporter on large bonfire
June 28: Lord Nigel Farage announces publication date for his memoirs
June 29: European leaders gather in Brussels to say "right, well piss off then"
June 30: Rupert Murdoch announces his retirement

July: Boris Johnson assumes the role of Prime Minister "to save everybody time voting"
August: A selection of workers rights are revoked "to increase national productivity"
September: Legislation introduced to cap the number of Polish shops on any high street
October: Conservatives hold two party conferences as their membership splits
November: Several City institutions move their trading operations to mainland Europe
December: President Obama says "sorry, no way are we doing a trade deal with you"

January 2017: President Trump says "sure, how many guns would you like?"
February: Civil Service announces it will no longer be run by experts
March: European history removed from the National Curriculum
April: A promise that the NHS will be getting lots of additional funding "when the time is right"
May: Chancellor Gove assures the nation that the pound reaching parity with the euro is a good thing
June: Confirmation that 23rd June is to become become a UK Independence Day bank holiday
July: Amusingly, it's now the UK's turn to assume the EU presidency
August: Boris launches the Emperor Games, to be contested annually between the home nations
September: Only one UK bank has collapsed so far, so that's good
October: Human Rights legislation is scrapped in attempt to "cut back on red tape"
November: Central database of foreign-born UK residents is established
December: Bananas can now be sold in bunches of more than five

Winter 2018: Russia turns off gas supplies during coldest winter on record
Spring 2018: Civil servants have agreed exit terms on a few agriculture and fisheries agreements
Summer 2018: Two years are up, but the UK still hasn't managed to extricate itself from the EU
Autumn 2018: House prices would be much more affordable by now if only people still had any money

Winter 2019: Channel Tunnel rail services end after France refuses to restrain migrants at Calais
Spring 2019: Second Scottish referendum votes 3 to 1 in favour of independence from the UK
Summer 2019: Wall goes up along the Irish/Northern Irish border
Autumn 2019: To combat the deepening recession, Boris sells off the country's naming rights

Winter 2020: The UK becomes the Emirates United Kingdom (or EUK for short)
Spring 2020: In the General Election, the National Conservative Party increases its majority
Summer 2020: The Labour Party dissolves, replaced as opposition by a Remain/LibDem rump coalition
Autumn 2020: Launch of the British Health Service, where everybody pays because "it's only fair"

2021: A newly independent Scotland applies to join the EU but is told to join the queue
2022: Unemployment crisis forces positive discrimination in favour of those with Anglo-Saxon DNA
2023: Prime Minister announces exciting new trade deals with Iceland and Bermuda
2024: The Queen and the Royal Family move to Balmoral
2025: English Parliament opens in Leicester, and votes to make wearing of St George's cross compulsory
2026: Turkey now refusing to take in migrants from anywhere that used to be Great Britain
2027: Race riots destroy infrastructure in much of Lancashire and Sussex
2028: Retirement age reaches 78, as pensions prove worthless
2029: Immigration issue now totally sorted as nobody wants to come here any more

2030: Other countries have driverless cars, but Britain is now a nation of cyclists
2031: Wales votes for independence, rather later than it should have done
2032: EU breaks up after France and Germany vote to leave
2033: Government laughs at post-EU debacle and says "we told you so"
2034: Nuclear confrontation in the Baltic states makes much of East Anglia uninhabitable
2035: Boris Airport is forced to close after six months of operation due to rising sea levels
2036: The robots take over, so it turns out none of the above actually mattered


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