diamond geezer

 Friday, July 15, 2016

It's a shame supermarkets don't sell pizzas. At least I assume they don't, I've never looked. And you can't make them yourself, can you, obviously. So I always pay somebody else to make one for me and ship it over in a box, piping hot. I'm sure we all do.

At the end of the day, sometimes what you really want is a proper pizza. Not a pathetic crispy disc but a deep doughy platter, thickly piled with stuff, because nothing else will do. And that's where the problem starts, because you never have a pizza like that in the house, so you have to get one in. It's not fair really.

Only a limited number of pizza merchants exist in any given area, so you're hardly spoiled for choice. And unless they stick a flyer through your door you'll never know, they might as well be invisible, so it's important to collect these flyers up. I keep a stash by the sofa for when the munchies hit, it's the only way.

Or there are apps, obviously. Apps are great because you don't even have to get off the sofa, you can just roll over slightly and order your perfect pizza in half a dozen clicks. Even better you can add extra bits to make the pizza meal even more special, because pizza's just never enough by itself.

A few slices of potato in a separate carton, they're great. Or chunks of chicken in spicy coating, to balance out the carbs with protein, else you might go hungry. Some tiny pots of dipping sauces at a pound a time, for sure, else it'd taste all wrong. And a big bottle of Coke, full sugar preferred, because you never have that in the house either.

It's only, what, twenty quid or so by the time you've finished? There's usually a deal that kicks in and saves a fiver if you spend more, so that's good. Play your cards right and that extra tub of Haagen Dazs might be almost free, plus delivery charges, as your prime-delivered banquet takes shape.

Of course, then you have to wait for it to arrive. They have to cook whatever you've asked for and bike it over, so it's not quick. You could have heated up the oven and baked your own pizza in that time, if only supermarkets sold pizzas and you had one in your freezer. Which they don't, and you haven't.

Eventually the bloke in the helmet turns up with your greasy boxes, assuming he can find your front door which doesn't always happen. Then you have to dig out notes and coins to pay him with, quite a few because this isn't cheap, but don't worry, that's the only point you actually have to interact with reality.

The apps are better because they deduct the cost of your pizza package without you noticing. That's the joy of modern society, your money can just ebb away leaving no physical trace, you just click some virtual buttons and a full calorie meal arrives on your doorstep, almost like it was free.

And then you tuck in. Remove that plastic tripod thing from the centre of your pizza, and maybe that lone olive, and rip apart the umpteen slices. Mmm, pizza, with spicy bits and peppers and pineapple and unidentifiable cubes of meat and maybe the odd bit of fish, it is the perfect balanced meal.

Before you get halfway through it'll have gone cold, and the last few slices are never quite the same, in fact why not leave them? Then there's that box of chicken wings which sounded like a good idea at the time but looks a bit stringy, so maybe just eat one. And half the saucepots could just go in the cupboard for next time, if you remember.

Not that your appetite was larger than your belly, heavens no. But delivered pizzas are invariably a bit larger than you really need, because there wouldn't be any point in getting one delivered otherwise. If only it were possible to buy pizzas of a reasonable size and keep them in the freezer instead, but that just never happens.

I assume supermarkets don't sell pizzas because they couldn't stock the variety of styles and sizes the average punter requires. They'd only sell drab imitations, a disc that'd taste more of cardboard than dough, so why bother? Plus there's no way your home oven could heat a pizza like these delivery companies can, so what's the point?

I mean I assume supermarkets don't sell pizzas, because I've never actually looked. I only go in for a sandwich and a fizzy bottle myself, or urgent Pringles, or some Haribo. But I've never ventured any further in, at least not past the vegetables, so who knows what they have back there? There can't be pizzas, can there?

I do all my shopping online these days. I know what I like and I like it delivered. The less effort I get to put in the better, and that includes wasted time faffing around in the kitchen. Why should I get my own oven dirty with all that dripping cheese when someone'll deliver a pizza ready-made in a box I can simply chuck away?

Self-cook pizzas would be a ghastly idea, so it's no wonder I never eat them. Our future lies in other people doing simple things for us, then shipping it in at a price, avoiding all the annoying exercise and hassle that tainted our previous existence. Why plan ahead when you can live in the moment? Slouch and deliver.

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