diamond geezer

 Sunday, October 09, 2016

A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
They don't do prawn cocktail or plain,
But smoked cheese and organic onion
Washed down with craft beer or champagne.

      A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
      No really, this isn't a joke,
      We're hoping to go to the preview
      And meet up with the marketing bloke.

A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
And if that's not gimmicky enough
The crisps will come down a conveyor,
You just couldn't make up this stuff.

      A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
      We didn't believe it was true,
      But the owners sent so much collateral
      We just had to share it with you.

A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
They're clearly just taking the piss,
And yet we suspect you'll be going
Which is why we print stories like this.

      A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
      The money is all in the dips,
      They're posh and will bleed you a fiver
      We'd much prefer one bag of chips.

A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
Or that's what the press release says,
We're keen to be first to inform you
So we just cut and pasted it, yes?

      A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
      They wondered how stupid you were,
      But they did their research in some detail
      And there was no need to defer.

A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
It's totally twenty sixteen!
You must add some photos to Facebook
And share them to prove that you've been.

      A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
      A "crisp and dip concept" it says,
      The PR team twitches with pleasure
      Whenever we retweet that phrase.

A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
With takeaway service no less,
A box of hand-baked discs can now be
Biked round to your office address.

      A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
      By rights it should be total tripe,
      But entrepreneurs know all too well now
      That we'll give them plenty of hype.

A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho,
They claim to use heritage spuds
And seasonal ingredients like beetroot,
It's just like they take us for mugs.

      A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
      They're going to do savoury and sweet,
      They've worked out you'll buy twice as many,
      There's method behind their conceit.

A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
The first fifty orders come free
Except now we've mentioned it, sorry
The queue'll stretch far as can be.

      A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
      A cynically vacuous mix,
      But we'll spin a positive story
      Because we make our living from clicks.

A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
The hipsters will turn up in droves,
"It's classic!" they'll screech, without spotting
The emperor is wearing no clothes.

      A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
      A twelve-pack of Walkers costs less,
      But we say go out and enjoy it
      For we're the uncritical press.

A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
The first six months rent has been paid,
If cereal can sell for a tenner
We're certain that they've got it made.

      A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
      What fresh concept hell will be next?
      But whatever it is we'll be waiting
      And keen to promote it in text.

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