A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
They don't do prawn cocktail or plain,
But smoked cheese and organic onion
Washed down with craft beer or champagne.
A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
No really, this isn't a joke,
We're hoping to go to the preview
And meet up with the marketing bloke.
A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
And if that's not gimmicky enough
The crisps will come down a conveyor,
You just couldn't make up this stuff.
A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
We didn't believe it was true,
But the owners sent so much collateral
We just had to share it with you.
A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
They're clearly just taking the piss,
And yet we suspect you'll be going
Which is why we print stories like this.
A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
The money is all in the dips,
They're posh and will bleed you a fiver
We'd much prefer one bag of chips.
A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
Or that's what the press release says,
We're keen to be first to inform you
So we just cut and pasted it, yes?
A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
They wondered how stupid you were,
But they did their research in some detail
And there was no need to defer.
A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
It's totally twenty sixteen!
You must add some photos to Facebook
And share them to prove that you've been.
A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
A "crisp and dip concept" it says,
The PR team twitches with pleasure
Whenever we retweet that phrase.
A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
With takeaway service no less,
A box of hand-baked discs can now be
Biked round to your office address.
A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
By rights it should be total tripe,
But entrepreneurs know all too well now
That we'll give them plenty of hype.
A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho,
They claim to use heritage spuds
And seasonal ingredients like beetroot,
It's just like they take us for mugs.
A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
They're going to do savoury and sweet,
They've worked out you'll buy twice as many,
There's method behind their conceit.
A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
The first fifty orders come free
Except now we've mentioned it, sorry
The queue'll stretch far as can be.
A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
A cynically vacuous mix,
But we'll spin a positive story
Because we make our living from clicks.
A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
The hipsters will turn up in droves,
"It's classic!" they'll screech, without spotting
The emperor is wearing no clothes.
A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
A twelve-pack of Walkers costs less,
But we say go out and enjoy it
For we're the uncritical press.
A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
The first six months rent has been paid,
If cereal can sell for a tenner
We're certain that they've got it made.
A crisp restaurant's opening in Soho
What fresh concept hell will be next?
But whatever it is we'll be waiting
And keen to promote it in text.
