Every several months we collectively giggle at the desperate folk who send me PR emails and marketing invites. Let's do that again.
As I'm sure you're busy, I'll try to be as brief as possible; my name is Jason and I'm a young writer looking to make a name for myself. I recently started a sports blog called <American sports blog> with a group of like-minded (young aspiring writer) friends from college and am actively looking to grow my audience. I think I can provide you with some great work and hope there is an opportunity for me to create some original work for you in a non-paid role.
Jason certainly knows how to write, because he goes on for another four paragraphs, so wasn't as brief as possible. Unfortunately his proposed subject matter failed to intersect with any of our collective interests.
The <New Restaurant> in <east London location> has opened its doors following a transformational refurbishment. Managed by <unknown chef>, the <New Restaurant>, formally known as <Better Name>, brings sophisticated al fresco dining to <east London location>, from brunch through to evening. Celebrating the area’s rich history, the <New Restaurant> offers an eclectic destination to enjoy meals throughout the day,
You can probably write this sort of rubbish in your sleep, can't you Joanne?
Just to let you know that I’ve created a piece entitled “<Well Known Football Team> In Numbers” which could be of interest to your readers? <Well known football team> is one of the world’s largest and greatest football teams of all time, so we thought we would delve into the achieves and check out some of the <club nickname>’s most impressive stats to date.
Oh Daisy, you know where you can stick your sponsored infographic.
Also, just because a word doesn't have a red squiggle underneath it doesn't meant it's correct.
I wanted to take the opportunity to get in touch with you again in case my last e-mail evaded you.
That's Jason again. Alas no, Jason, your last email didn't evade me, I simply chose to disregard it.
I hope everything is well! I have been a fan of your recent blog posts. We read your blog and adore reading about your adventures in London. My name is Doug and I’m e-mailing from <Party Planners>. We work with all of the top nightclubs, bars and restaurants in London as well as providing guestlists and organising and hosting events.
If you want to talk to me about nightclub guestlists, Doug, I suspect you haven't been reading the blog at all.
Are you able to please update something on your website? I found a broken link on your post here - http://diamondgeezer.blogspot.com/2007/04/sixlinks.html (I know it's a few years old)
It's ten years old, Jessica. Do you know how long it would take me to check and update everything I've ever linked to in the past? Also, I'm not replacing it with a link to your crappy gaming website.
My name is Cliff and as I'm sure you're busy, I'll try to be brief. I'm a young writer looking to make a name for myself. Having recently started a sports blog called <American sports blog> with a group of like-minded friends from college, I personally aspire to write about more than just sports...
Hang on, weren't you Jason last time? Or is this almost-identical email a sign that you're one of his 'like-minded friends'? Rest assured I'm still very much not interested.
I hope this email finds you well. New research has found that...
No it hasn't, Dean. No research quoted in a marketing email is ever as accurate as subsequent claims suggest. Also, your survey says "conducted on behalf of <car sharing app> in December 2017", which is the sound of you shooting yourself in the foot.
Dear Diamond Geezer,
Hope all is well with you. I'm the Communications Manager for a new start up called <Quite Frankly Who Cares>. Would you be interested in writing a blog post about us or mind tweeting about us on Twitter?
I know you have to try, Josh, because you're the Communications Manager, but 100% no, absolutely not.
I wanted to take a quick moment to get in touch with you again in case my last e-mail snuck past you.
Just go away, Cliff. Or maybe Jason. In fact both of you.
In fact all of you. Your repeated attempts at asking me to write about your chosen subject are never going to work. Perhaps instead you could focus your efforts on providing a service people actually want to write about?