00:00 Celebratory fireworks at the London Eye 00:01 End of celebratory fireworks, because we're not made of money 00:02 Cheering crowds spill out onto the streets in Romford, Stockport and Morpeth 00:05 Nigel Farage leads a conga through the streets of Margate 00:08 Several octogenarians suffer heart attacks brought on by over-exhilaration 00:10 Wow it feels good to be able to eat a bendy banana again
03:00 Police start rounding up EU-born residents 04:00 Deportation camps open 05:00 Cross Channel ferries requisitioned for Government work
A BRIGHT NEW DAWN(live on BBC1) 06:35 In Lowestoft, groups of schoolchildren sing the National Anthem endearingly off-key 06:38 In Dover, housewives wave off the big ships taking the plumbers away 06:43 In Downing Street, the Prime Minister announces that this is a 'Golden Brexit' 06:48 In Hartlepool, Ken Loach films inspirational scenes of spontaneous jubilation 06:54 In Blackpool, the North Pier is officially closed due to lack of EU funding 06:57 In Glasgow, Lulu sings Greensleeves to an audience of morris dancers 07:06 In Penzance, effigies of Edward Heath are pushed out to sea on burning yachts
07:30 Blue-coloured passport covers start dropping through letterboxes 07:40 Today's bumper souvenir Daily Express has to be delivered in wheelbarrows 07:45 Today in The Sun, a special offer on Yes We Won, Now Send Them Back t-shirts 08:00 Thankfully it's a bank holiday, so shares don't lose ground on yesterday's record losses
08:30 Grimsby's fishing fleet goes trawling just off the north coast of the Netherlands 09:00 A market stall opens in Halifax selling wonky vegetables, weighed by the pound 09:30 At Argos, vacuum cleaners with motors over 1600 watts immediately sell out 09.43 A steamroller crushes all the great crested newts blocking the M42 extension 09.50 Clacton council votes to change all road signs to miles, before discovering they already are
10.00 The UK economy falls off that cliff edge it definitely wasn't going to fall off 10:15 Greggs announce an increase in the price of your daily pain au chocolat 10:30 Angela Leadsom opens Britain's first National Jam Festival in Kidderminster
11:00 50 gun salute in Hyde Park - no Britons injured 11:15 At Gatwick, half a million Brits return from Spain and stand around shivering 11:30 Qatar buys up Coventry with plans to replace it with a King Henry VIII theme park 11:45 Sports Direct lengthens its employees' working day to 25 hours 12.30 Dame Vera Lynn is wheeled onto the White Cliffs of Dover to shake her fist at the French 12.45 Greggs announce another increase in the price of your daily pain au chocolat
1.00 The 24 hour clock is abolished 1.30 The Chancellor announces that the 5p coin will now be known as the shilling 1.35 Cadbury launches the new smaller Empire Mars Bar, still at the same price of 15 shillings
THE GREAT BRITISH FÊTE(live on ITV) 2.00 Sponsored by Sky Atlantic, the Queen opens this joyful celebration in Hyde Park 2.30 Sponsored by EasyJet, the Red, White and Blue Arrows fly over the main arena 2.45 Sponsored by Marks and Spencer, visitors unwrap their egg sandwiches and pork pies 3.30 Sponsored by Daily Mail, Britons unite in the Two Minute Hate
3.30 While everyone's busy with parties and celebrating, the retirement age is raised to 72
4.00 In Birmingham, thousands of teenagers attend the first Great Britain Youth Rally 4.10 Schools start to receive the new official history textbook - This Sceptred Isle 4.30 Police open 24 hour hotline for reporting People Who Look A Bit Belgian 5.00 Michael Gove opens this week's new NHS hospital, paid for by £350m of saved money 5.15 Three mile queues form at the new Irish border - politicians seek urgent solution
6.00 News from Calais that the EU deportation camps are now full to bursting 6.01 House prices plummet as 2.3m homes have suddenly become vacant
6.30 Reports that half the vegetables in Lincolnshire are now rotting in the fields 6.35 Reports that work has stopped on all the basement extensions in Kensington 6.40 Reports that nobody in Clapham knows how to fix a leaky tap any more - floods expected 6.50 Unconfirmed reports that a hospital in Preston still has sufficient nursing staff
7.00 All the lamps along The Mall are replaced by incandescent lightbulbs 8.00 In Trafalgar Square, Boris Johnson sets light to the Bonfire of Regulations 9.00 Nigel Farage seen at Heathrow Airport boarding a plane to Düsseldorf 9.30 The Queen waves off Prince Philip as he is deported on the new Royal Yacht
10.00 It is revealed that Scotland held a secret referendum today, and voted to leave the UK 10.15 To avoid further disruption, Northern Ireland throws in its lot with the Republic nextdoor 10.30 Welsh Nationalists seize their moment and erect a security wall along Offa's Dyke 11.00 A bold bright successful England takes its place on the world stage, to global indifference
11.59 Millions of people go to bed elated, after a day they never dreamed would come 11.59 Millions of people sob quietly, and await whatever madness comes next
