Imagine being Jamie. Jamie has the job of promoting the new Crud* lifestyle apartments in Deptford. Jamie sent me this email.
* The apartments actually have a different name, but let's stick with Crud for now.
Hi Diamond Geezer
It appears I have been specifically targeted.
Please find attached a save the date invite to our Crud Living launch at Specific Street, Deptford, London SE8.
Jamie's 'save the date invite' turned out to be a jpeg with the date and time on it in big letters, plus a really crass hashtag.
At Crud we like to do things a bit differently – (you have probably seen us around; mainly in Specific Street) but I assure you, we’re not your typical developer.
I've never been to Specific Street, it's miles away, so I've not seen Crud around. Jamie's marketing email has already over-asserted itself.
Our apartments are built to create thriving communities and every detail has been designed specifically with millennial London living in mind.
As a 50-something Londoner, I can imagine little more hellish than an apartment complex built with communal millennial sensibilities in mind.
We’re having a party to celebrate the launch of our first and flagship development of 83 apartments, plus over 4,000 square foot of communal amenity space exclusively for the residents – and it’s all located in a the former propeller factory on Deptford’s Specific St.
Ooh, a party in a propeller factory. It is perhaps no surprise that Jamie's email is full of spin.
We’d like to say ‘hello’ to our neighbours and, as someone who is passionate about London and the local area, we would be delighted if you could join us at the event.
I might be passionate about London, but much less so about soullessly-redeveloped parts of Deptford. I would rather not spend an evening necking olives there.
At Crud we aim to blur the line between residential living and a lifestyle experience.
I believe this is code for "expect a boxroom and a lot of shared services, a bit like when you were at university".
Hackney’s favourite cocktail and street food specialists, Night Tales, will be operating a coffee hangout in the communal amenity space, which will also play home to a work and chill out zone.
It appears Crud think so little of the local area that they've brought in baristas from Hackney. Also it sounds like the apartments won't be big enough to do any actual work in.
We also have an on-site cinema, bike work shop as well as a communal roof terrace with amazing views across the London skyline.
I have a TV. I can watch what I like on it without having to put up with neighbours chatting, playing on their phones or walking past the screen. I don't want to pay extra for an open-plan cinema area with sofas.
The new space will offer a raft of bar-raising features and exceptional design that will provide a thriving community environment as well as a new home for many young Londoners.
I shall certainly be using the phrase "a raft of bar-raising features" in all the promotional claptrap I write going forward.
We’re expecting a great turnout of Deptford businesses, local people and those interested in living here. We’ll also have live DJs, cocktails and some great food.
This must be how you make a fuss about new apartments these days. I presume they must be vastly overpriced, otherwise they'd simply sell themselves.
We are using the #halfpastcrud hashtag as we build up to the launch.
The genuine hashtag is worse than that, indeed possibly the most inept meaningless hashtag I've ever seen.
Hope to see you there!
You know what, Jamie, I'll pass.
But there you go, the glorified flatshare is the new big thing on the London property market. If you can't afford an actual flat of your own, why not move into something smaller and more affordable, but with shared facilities?