And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed.
And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city, using passports of the appropriate colour.
And Joseph went up into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem, to be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.
And it also came to pass that there went out a decree from the authorities that all the world should be especially vigilant.
Saying, if you see something that doesn't look right, speak to staff. We'll sort it. See it. Say it. Sorted.
And Bethlehem was packed with refugees, thanks to all the taxing, so there was no room for Joseph and Mary in the inn.
And so it was that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.
And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger.
And the innkeeper was greatly vexed, because some unmarried immigrants had given birth in his stable in a suspicious manner.
So he rang the hotline, and the authorities came round post haste to remove the entire family to a detention camp. See it. Say it. Sorted.
And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.
And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, in a wholly unexpected manner, saying,
Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.
And the shepherds were sore afraid, because a shining multitude of the heavenly host isn't what you normally see above a field, and it didn't feel right.
So they rang the hotline, and the authorities came round post haste and eradicated the aerial threat before it could attack. See it. Say it. Sorted.
And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another,
Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, because we've all got a role to play in keeping Judaea safe.
And they came with haste, and found some unattended swaddling clothes lying in a manger.
And the shepherds said, one to another, this seems out of place; someone could be concealing something under that clothing.
So they rang the hotline again, and the authorities put the whole of Bethlehem under lockdown, because better safe than sorry. See it. Say it. Sorted.
Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judaea in the days of Herod the king, behold, there came three shady foreigners from the east.
And, lo, the star, which they saw in the east, went before them, till it came and stood over where the young child had been.
And when they were come unto the manger, they said, Where is he that is born a prophet of Allah? for we have seen his star and are come to worship him.
And the innkeeper said, I don't believe that those are gold, frankincense and myrrh, they look like suspicious packages to me.
And he rang the hotline again, and the authorities came round post haste to carry out three controlled explosions, just in case. See it. Say it. Sorted.
And Herod the king heard all these things, because he was running the country and the security campaign had been his idea.
And he gathered all the chief priests and scribes of the people together, and enquired of them diligently whether the existing equilibrium might be under threat.
And they said unto him, every day we receive reports about suspicious behaviour or unusual activity from members of the public and we take this information seriously.
And Herod was troubled by these unidentified threats, so he had no choice but to have every small child in the country slaughtered.
And in this case his undue paranoia did indeed kickstart an entire religion, bringing persecution, conflict and death to millions over the subsequent millennia. See it. Shut up. Sorted.