It's time for a reminder that people sometimes email me suggesting I write about the thing they're paid to promote, and I am never interested. Here are some of the things these people think I might be interested in.
Hi Diamond Geeza!
I’m just reaching out to let you know that there is a new rehearsal facility in South Wimbledon for musicians in and around Wimbledon to use. Here’s a link to a short break down of what we offer. I don’t know if you have anywhere I could post this up for the locals to see?
I told Ben I didn't have anywhere I could post this up for the locals to see, and he seemed satisfied with that.
Dear Diamond Geezer,
I’m the Communications Officer for <Bakery>, a <SE London>-based social enterprise, and I’m writing to see if Diamond Geezer might be interested to feature a piece on our current campaign? <Bakery> tackles social exclusion in South East London through fabulous baked goods and high-quality catering services...
My blog is not the place to showcase fabulous bakery campaigns, Lizzie, however worthy. Congratulations on meeting your crowdfunding stretch target, btw.
Just wanted to give you a heads up about <Thing I already know about>. <Yes I know this too.>. <Yes I know all of this as well>. Let me know if this is something you are interested in posting on your blog.
If I were interested, Samantha, I would already have featured it. Now that you've mentioned it, I never will.
I wonder if this is something that you might feature on the blog?
Hang on, what? But that's all Mark wrote. Only when I clicked on his Word attachment (sheesh) did I read "London Bridge SE1 is the go to destination this week for seeking out a real bargain if you are in the market for some luxury British furniture", and then his email went straight in the bin.
I’m the Community Manager with <Digital Marketing Agency>, where we specialize in connecting established brands with prominent bloggers. We are inviting a group of select bloggers to share their perspective on the future of mobile apps. Would your readers enjoy your perspective on how mobile apps will evolve in 5 or 10 years?
You know what, Stephen, I don't think they would. He continued...
Also, if you have a media kit, please kindly share it with us. We would really like to know more about your blog for this and other similar projects.
My 'media kit' consists of a giant thumbs down emoji and a sarcastic Simpsons gif. I resisted sending it.
Could you give me a call in the week, I'm interested in chatting about your blog?
Christian's email offered no clues what the call might be about, other than a website in his email signature which claimed to be an online platform showcasing London's iconic West End. I emailed back "Er, not without a good reason, no...", and I've not heard anything since.
Hi Diamond Geezer,
My name is Mark <Surname> and I'm a producer with <Ridiculous Name> Immersive Escape Experience, London. I'm reaching out to the most influential trendsetters in London to see who would like to come and try our experience with no charge in exchange for sharing your experience with your audience. We are going to run a series of missions especially for you and other youtubers so it would be a great opportunity to network with others in the industry and use each others reach to expand your audience.
Lovely though it was to be deemed a trendsetting youtuber, I had to disappoint Mark on this occasion, and all future occasions.
Hello Diamond Geezer!
I’m just getting in touch to invite you to the Street Art Exhibition our startup, <Startup>, is throwing. To give you a quick background we’re a personal calendar app that makes it easier for you to create events with friends. Our fundamental drive is something called <Meaningless Buzzphrase>, which is that the technology meant to bring us closer to the people furthest away, is taking us further away from the people closest. To launch our brand, we are throwing a street art exhibition...
It's what calendar apps do, isn't it, launch a street art exhibition? I hope you read all about it on the Visit London website instead.
Hello good morning,
I'm Tamara from the marketing team at <Inadequate Website>. We are the new London Tube planner that enables users to <inaccurate claim>. There are two types of collaboration that we are working on to create synergies together and to get increased numbers of visitors for both our services.
Tamara wanted me to "briefly introduce" her tube planner site with video/photo content about my experience using it, add a direct link to her site and include all the designated hashtags. You may have noticed that I have not actually done this.
You may also have noticed I have not plugged any of the other things. Please do not send your marketing emails to me, we will only laugh at you.