Friday, March 29, 2019
Dear Resident,Tickets for tonight's planned gala buffet will be valid on the later date. We do however have a lot of chlorinated chicken drumsticks left over, and sadly these will not keep for a further fortnight. Please drop in at the parish office this evening if you are able to take these off our hands. Residents are also urged to collect any tinned goods they may have contributed, as these may be required for personal supply in the event that rationing is introduced.
It is with regret that I must confirm that tonight's Brexit Revels on the village green have been cancelled.
I know a lot of you have had March 29th in your diary for a very long time, but the withdrawal of festivities is due to circumstances entirely beyond our control.
Do not attempt to turn up this evening, as we do not have a licence and the bowling green will be not be illuminated.
The children's choir are no longer required to attend. We apologise to parents who've been teaching them the words to Land Of Hope and Glory over the past few weeks, and for all the time spent creating red, white and blue costumes. We will also be unable to meet our promise of giving each child their own special commemorative 50p Brexit coin, as it appears the Royal Mint have failed to manufacture any.
It is a particular disappointment not to be able to go ahead with the planned fireworks display, partly because EU health and safety regulations will still be in place but mainly because there will be nothing to celebrate. Frustratingly the weather at 11pm this evening looks uncharacteristically calm and dry, whereas the long term forecast is unsettled and stormy. Rest assured that our Guy will be stored safely in a dry place until Mr Verhofstadt can be ignited properly.
The Organising Committee hopes to reschedule Brexit festivities for a later date - tentatively Friday April 12th - but this is not confirmed. Unfortunately the village hall is pre-booked that evening for a Zumba class and we don't yet have permission to kick the foreigners out.
Proposed schedule - Friday April 12th10.30pm Assemble by the village pond (bring torches)
10.35pm Wetherspoons Pop-Up Bar opens
10.45pm Pose for Daily Express photographer
10.50pm Blessing of the new village stocks (in case of civil unrest)
10.59pm St John's Ambulance on alert (in case of excess euphoria)
11.00pm Firework display to end all firework displays
11.01pm 'Bonfire of Red Tape' ignited
11.03pm Medley of wartime favourites
11.10pm Video message from Sir Nigel Farage
11.15pm Celebratory conga into the early hours
Please note that Saturday's programme of events has also had to be cancelled. The Jam Festival will not take place, the Wonky Vegetable Tombola cannot be stocked, and the vicar will not be judging The Pug That Looks The Most Like Winston Churchill. However the evening screening of The Great Escape in the village hall will proceed as planned. Anyone who looks a bit Eastern European is advised not to attend, for their own personal safety.
On Sunday it will no longer be possible to ring out the church bells in a Peal of Joyous Release, as intended. The Under 10s World Cup 1966 Re-Enactment will not kick off. Our very special mystery guest will be unable to open the Jumble Sale as he may have a leadership bid to contest. The first pack meeting of the British Youth Brigade, formerly the Scouts and Guides, has been deferred. No further tickets for Strictly Come Morris Dancing will be sold.
Be reassured that activities in the village hall will now continue for at least another fortnight, rather than the building being permanently closed due to the withdrawal of European funding. Meanwhile our village greengrocer apologises that she will not be able to sell fruit and veg in pounds and ounces from next Monday as planned. However she urges you to turn up anyway while she still has fresh produce to sell, rather than it all rotting in a temporary lorry park somewhere outside Calais.
Villagers should also be aware that our full programme of Brexit Revels may have to be postponed until May 22nd, or December 2021, or any one of a number of alternative meaningful dates. This distressing delay is the fault of an unrepresentative elite, and your parish council will do everything in their power to expedite your majority vote, whatever the consequences.
The glorious liberation of March 29th 2019, so long prepared for, was not to be. Do not lose heart. They will not stop us celebrating our insularity, no matter how long it takes.
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