Ten populist policies sure to be a vote winner on the road to Brexit(and into the sunlit uplands beyond)
1) A new unit of currency
Every true Brit loves our noble pound sterling, and rightly so. But a fresh start demands a fresh break and a new coin we'll love even more, which is why from 11th November 2019 Britain's new currency will be the Poppy. One Poppy (ℙ) will be divided up into twenty Shillings and one Shilling into twelve Pennies, which is excellent news for everyone over the age of 60 who won't have to learn any new arithmetic at all.
The One Poppy coin will be circular with a smooth rim to encourage counterfeiting and boost the entrepreneurial economy. Dame Vera Lynn will be appearing on the Five Poppy note, Sir Winston Churchill on the Tenner and Bomber Harris on the Twenty. The Bank of England aren't expecting our post-Brexit economy to require any larger notes so Alan Turing can consider himself cancelled.
Pounds will be exchangeable for Poppies at approved moneylenders for one week prior to P-Day. To prevent devaluation it has been decided to peg the new currency at a fixed rate of one Poppy to two dollars. Not only will this make transatlantic trade deals much easier, it should also help to disguise the unfortunate price rises which may follow a No Deal Brexit.
2) An iconic national monument
To demonstrate our faith in Global Britain, one of the first acts of the new administration will be to commission a massive observation tower atop the White Cliffs of Dover. The monument will resemble a massive finger raised towards France, with a golden Spitfire perched on top which will also double up as a cafe selling bacon sandwiches.
Guests arriving at the foot of the tower will enter a magical animatronic history of Britain from Boudicea to the Blitz, then ascend 300m in a gold elevator accompanied by a stirring musical composition penned by Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber. The viewing platform will face Kent, our glorious Garden of England. Toilets will face Calais.
Technically the proposed site is protected land under the control of the National Trust, but Jacob Rees Mogg's Bonfire of Planning Regulations will swiftly solve that problem. Potential sponsors of the Dover Finger should contact Liz Truss at the Treasury with details of a potential financial settlement, but rest assured the taxpayer will end up footing most of the bill.
3) The Northern Powerhouse
All future onshore wind farms will be built north of the M62. No fracking will take place further south than Nottingham. Sorted.
4) St Heroes Day
21st October, formerly Trafalgar Day, will be renamed St Heroes Day and become a UK bank holiday. The day will be dedicated to all the heroes who make Britain great, focusing especially on our boys in the armed services (and maybe some of our girls too). A Parade of Heroes will be held in every community across our great nation, mostly comprising military personnel but each led by a lollipop lady and with the police bringing up the rear. Trawlermen may be included according to local circumstances.
Every year a new profession will be embraced into the Heroes' cadre, kicking off in 2019 with the Taxi Driver, in 2020 the Stockbroker and in 2021 the Medicare Consultant. All Heroes will be rewarded with half-price bus travel and reserved seats in cinemas. St Heroes Day will also mark the start of the annual poppy-wearing season, with fines for non-compliance donated mostly to charity.
5) The Northern Ireland Zipwire
Trade between the home nations is critically important, especially once the backstop has been ditched and goods flow freely across the Irish border. Just in case that doesn't happen it is proposed to stretch the world's longest steel zipwire between Scotland and Northern Ireland and use it to send bundles of cargo 20 miles across the North Channel. Everyday operations will be outsourced to Chris Grayling Freight Solutions Limited.
The Stranraer mast will be slightly higher than the Belfast mast to ensure that goods travel by gravity in one direction only, thereby getting round pesky post-EU import regulations. Prime Minister Boris Johnson will inaugurate the connection by making a celebratory crossing, probably as far as halfway, whilst waving all the flags he can carry. Frictionless trade will never have been easier.
6) Rebalancing the capital
London has had the lion's share of our nation's wealth for too long, generating resentment in hard-working provincial towns and far-flung bucolic villages. The title of Capital of the United Kingdom will therefore be awarded to a different regional town or city on a rolling annual basis, potentially absolutely anywhere but London.
Winchester has been chosen as the first nomadic capital, as a pretence that this change has at least some historical legitimacy. Sunderland is the obvious shoo-in for 2021, then from 2022 the title will be awarded to the highest bidder. Business leaders and councillors wishing to embrace the commercial sparkle that capital status brings should send details of where MPs will meet, which sports hall will accommodate the Lords and which restaurants will offer Cabinet members free meals. Towns which voted to Remain should recognise the futility of their applications.
While Parliament is on tour, a long-awaited opportunity will be seized to renovate the crumbling Palace of Westminster, which will then be flogged off as a luxury hotel as a sweetener to our esteemed Chinese trading partners.
7) It's A UK Knockout
It is important sometimes to remember that the other home nations exist, so a spectacular televised tournament will take place each summer on the Saturday closest to Premier Johnson's birthday. Teams from the four countries will compete in hilarious slapstick competitions involving oversized mannequins, dangling ropes and gunge-filled wellington boots, broadcast free-to-air on UK Fox News.
The winning team will be rewarded with laurel wreaths, Toby Carvery vouchers and one additional ration book for every citizen of their country. During the 2020s it is expected that the number of home nations may decrease, in which case contingency teams will compete from the English regions (plus almost certainly Wales).
8) Rebranding London
London aspires to remain a key financial hub post-Brexit, and its unmatched reputation for heritage will persist around the world. But embracing entrepreneurial flair requires blue skies thinking, which is why the Exchequer intends to sell off naming rights to the former capital going forward. Only multinational superbrands need apply. Once all bids have been considered, and bungs taken, one company will be selected and the city renamed for a four year period.
Will foreign tourists be setting their sights on a holiday in Emirates London? Could the city's tube network be operated by Transport for Netflix London? Also, just to show who's in charge now, might Sadiq Khan be forced to take the title Mayor of Coca-Cola London? Crucially the billions raised by this rebrand will not be pumped into local government but will instead fund tax cuts for the richest 1%, thereby achieving this key pledge at no cost to the general public.
9) The British Health Service
Our beloved NHS will always be free at point of use and will never be sold to foreign bidders. To this end we are rebranding our hospitals and surgeries to become the British Health Service, which will be fundamentally identical but intrinsically more fair. Each BHS appointment will therefore necessitate a token administrative charge of ten pence, which will help protect our key services from timewasters and freeloading foreign nationals. To minimise delays in administering emergency treatment, and future fee increases, citizens should register their bank details in advance via trumpcare@bhs.com.
10) Adequate Food
Please bear with us during The Rebalancing while trade tariffs are renegotiated and key deals struck with former partners. We will aspire to maintain supplies of perishable foodstuffs until such time as this becomes impossible. There is no need to stockpile tinned goods. A very reasonable substitute for bread can be made from shredded potato peelings. Every child will be guaranteed at least one satsuma this Christmas. We hope you like soup. There will always be drinking water. Do or die.
