Friday, January 31, 2020
21:00 Mass gathering of Brexiteers in Parliament Square - several hundred expected
21:08 Ann Widdecombe arrives in Parliament Square on a chariot dressed as Boadicea
21:15 Nigel Farage drives into Parliament Square in a vintage car dressed as Toad of Toad Hall
21:24 Jeremy Corbyn cycles into Parliament Square on a bike waving a 'Got Brexit Done' tea towel
21:30 Jim Davidson keeps the crowd entertained with a series of politically-now-correct jokes
21:50 Rally pauses for commercial break hosted by Sir James Dyson
22:00 TV coverage of Brexit Night kicks off on four terrestrial channels
22:05 Prime Minister gives speech from steps of 10 Downing Street promising a Golden Brexit based on British pluck and ingenuity
22:08 Downing Street countdown clock breaks down and stops
22:09 Prime Minister blames Romanian electricians, gets a laugh, and continues
22:28 Falmouth fishing fleet now lurking off Normandy waiting to pounce on French scallops
22:30 Thousands of disconsolate Remainers go to bed early rather than face the future
22:45 Spar supermarkets confirm they've sold out of English sparkling wine
22:57 Nutter with EU flag on long pole still shouting at TV cameras on Palace Green
22:59 Over-excited 79 year-old dies from heart attack, one minute before the brave new dawn he longed to see
23:00 Big Ben fails to chime, so the assembled crowd shout 'bong' twelve times instead, then cheer wildly
23:01 Celebratory fireworks in Bolsover, Sunderland and Washington DC
23:02 Millennials join hands to sing Auld Lang Syne, but don't know any of the words
23:04 Smugness levels in Parliament Square at record high
23:07 Unrestrained sobbing causes serious flooding in Islington
23:08 EU President thanks the UK for 47 years of valued membership
23:10 Katie Hopkins posts a video of herself in army fatigues burning an EU flag
23:20 Mass Shaking Of Fists on the White Cliffs of Dover
23:35 Celebratory bonfire in Walsall spreads out of control and sets light to housing estate
23:47 First foreigner accidentally stoned to death
Saturday, February 1, 2020
00:38 They're partying late into the night at the Sunnydale Old People's Home in Clacton
05:34 Today's souvenir Daily Express has to be delivered in wheelbarrows
06:10 Today's Sun comes with a free Brexit 50p sellotaped to the cover
06:11 Rupert Murdoch grins, because it turns out he is as powerful as he thought he was
07:05 First happy citizen receives blue passport in the post, despite having no plans to travel abroad ever again
07:39 The sun rises on a free country (weather permitting)
08:30 Most of the British public go about their normal Saturday oblivious that anything important has happened
09:00 Frictionless Trade Made Simple: a workshop at Belfast City Hall (continues tomorrow and Monday)
09:30 Halifax Pre-Decimalisation Market: spend your florins on bendy bananas weighed in pounds and ounces
10:00 National Jam Festival: opened by Andrea Leadsom at Kidderminster Town Hall
11:17 Wetherspoons will no longer serve foreign lagers, but hurrah, Watney's Red Barrel is back
12:47 Boris Johnson confirms that the country is now united, and anyone saying otherwise should be ignored
13:21 'Now Go Home' scrawled on mosque in Bradford by activist who's missed the point
14:49 Lord Lucan reappears in Munich, now that Germany no longer has an extradition treaty with the UK
15:00 Six Nations rugby tournament cut back to four nations
15:38 Dominic Cummings seen getting 'Brexit Meant Brexit' tattoo
16:00 Michael Gove announces that Great Britain is to be officially renamed The People's Great Britain
16:15 Transport Secretary announces that Euston station is to be renamed UKston
17:54 Guy Verhofstadt announces that the EU can't be arsed to negotiate a trade deal with the UK, so good luck
19:00 BBC1 relaunches as BBC Leave and BBC2 relaunches as BBC Remain, for the avoidance of bias
19:01 The first programme on BBC Leave is Mrs Brown's Boys
19:01 The first programme on BBC Remain is a repeat of the Eurovision Song Contest
19:07 BBC Leave stops showing Mrs Brown's Boys after it turns out the series is set in the EU
21:30 President of the Federated States of Micronesia flies in for crucial trade talks
23:00 Residents of Stockton-on-Tees livid that nothing seems to have improved yet
Sunday, February 2, 2020
04:30 President Putin sends troops to invade the Shetland Islands, just to test the waters
06:00 Deadline to apply for pet passports for travel in the EU in 2021
08:13 An anonymous tweeter finally comes up with a watertight argument why leaving the EU is wrong, but it's too late
09:02 Home Office Settled Status database hit by virus - EU citizens invited to resubmit
09:35 Boris Johnson opens the first 'Blue Passports Only' lane at Southend Airport
10:00 The Health Secretary opens a new hospital in a caravan on Canvey Island
11:00 Jacob Rees-Mogg appointed Minister For Indefatigable Deregulation
11:25 Council offices in Southwark fined £500 for still flying EU flag
12:00 Italian restaurant in Doncaster rebrands as Chlorinated Fried Chicken
13:30 Education Secretary announces that A-levels in foreign languages are to be withdrawn
14:22 Unconfirmed reports that an old people's home in Preston still has sufficient care staff
14:38 Boris Johnson urges couples of childbearing age to Bonk For Britain
15:00 Government launches new public information campaign - 'See, We Told You There Wouldn't Be Food Shortages'
15:45 Humber Bridge demolished because it was built using dirty European money
16:20 Nigel Farage launches his new political force, the English Independence Party
17:16 Skegness Tourist Board launches 'Sun, Sea and Fruit-picking' holiday campaign
18:22 Donald Trump flies in for initial US/UK trade talks (entirely coincidentally held at Leeds General Infirmary)
19:04 Wall to be built along the Kent Coast so that the continent can no longer be seen
20:50 Wetherspoons announces that people who voted Remain are no longer welcome in its pubs
20:53 Huawei confirms it knows who those people are
20:57 Wetherspoons signs contract with Huawei for installation of facial recognition system
Monday, February 3, 2020
09:00 The dawning realisation that nothing has changed, we're still following all the rules of the community we just left (and powerless to change them)
Thursday, December 31, 2020
23:00 Now this is going to be the interesting one...
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