21:00 Mass gathering of Brexiteers in Parliament Square - several hundred expected 21:08 Ann Widdecombe arrives in Parliament Square on a chariot dressed as Boadicea 21:15 Nigel Farage drives into Parliament Square in a vintage car dressed as Toad of Toad Hall 21:24 Jeremy Corbyn cycles into Parliament Square on a bike waving a 'Got Brexit Done' tea towel 21:30 Jim Davidson keeps the crowd entertained with a series of politically-now-correct jokes 21:50 Rally pauses for commercial break hosted by Sir James Dyson 22:00 TV coverage of Brexit Night kicks off on four terrestrial channels 22:05 Prime Minister gives speech from steps of 10 Downing Street promising a Golden Brexit based on British pluck and ingenuity 22:08 Downing Street countdown clock breaks down and stops 22:09 Prime Minister blames Romanian electricians, gets a laugh, and continues 22:28 Falmouth fishing fleet now lurking off Normandy waiting to pounce on French scallops 22:30 Thousands of disconsolate Remainers go to bed early rather than face the future 22:45 Spar supermarkets confirm they've sold out of English sparkling wine 22:57 Nutter with EU flag on long pole still shouting at TV cameras on Palace Green 22:59 Over-excited 79 year-old dies from heart attack, one minute before the brave new dawn he longed to see 23:00 Big Ben fails to chime, so the assembled crowd shout 'bong' twelve times instead, then cheer wildly 23:01 Celebratory fireworks in Bolsover, Sunderland and Washington DC 23:02 Millennials join hands to sing Auld Lang Syne, but don't know any of the words 23:04 Smugness levels in Parliament Square at record high 23:07 Unrestrained sobbing causes serious flooding in Islington 23:08 EU President thanks the UK for 47 years of valued membership 23:10 Katie Hopkins posts a video of herself in army fatigues burning an EU flag 23:20 Mass Shaking Of Fists on the White Cliffs of Dover 23:35 Celebratory bonfire in Walsall spreads out of control and sets light to housing estate 23:47 First foreigner accidentally stoned to death
Saturday, February 1, 2020
00:38 They're partying late into the night at the Sunnydale Old People's Home in Clacton 05:34 Today's souvenir Daily Express has to be delivered in wheelbarrows 06:10 Today's Sun comes with a free Brexit 50p sellotaped to the cover 06:11 Rupert Murdoch grins, because it turns out he is as powerful as he thought he was 07:05 First happy citizen receives blue passport in the post, despite having no plans to travel abroad ever again 07:39 The sun rises on a free country (weather permitting) 08:30 Most of the British public go about their normal Saturday oblivious that anything important has happened 09:00Frictionless Trade Made Simple: a workshop at Belfast City Hall (continues tomorrow and Monday) 09:30Halifax Pre-Decimalisation Market: spend your florins on bendy bananas weighed in pounds and ounces 10:00National Jam Festival: opened by Andrea Leadsom at Kidderminster Town Hall 11:17 Wetherspoons will no longer serve foreign lagers, but hurrah, Watney's Red Barrel is back 12:47 Boris Johnson confirms that the country is now united, and anyone saying otherwise should be ignored 13:21 'Now Go Home' scrawled on mosque in Bradford by activist who's missed the point 14:49 Lord Lucan reappears in Munich, now that Germany no longer has an extradition treaty with the UK 15:00 Six Nations rugby tournament cut back to four nations 15:38 Dominic Cummings seen getting 'Brexit Meant Brexit' tattoo 16:00 Michael Gove announces that Great Britain is to be officially renamed The People's Great Britain 16:15 Transport Secretary announces that Euston station is to be renamed UKston 17:54 Guy Verhofstadt announces that the EU can't be arsed to negotiate a trade deal with the UK, so good luck 19:00 BBC1 relaunches as BBC Leave and BBC2 relaunches as BBC Remain, for the avoidance of bias 19:01 The first programme on BBC Leave is Mrs Brown's Boys 19:01 The first programme on BBC Remain is a repeat of the Eurovision Song Contest 19:07 BBC Leave stops showing Mrs Brown's Boys after it turns out the series is set in the EU 21:30 President of the Federated States of Micronesia flies in for crucial trade talks 23:00 Residents of Stockton-on-Tees livid that nothing seems to have improved yet
Sunday, February 2, 2020
04:30 President Putin sends troops to invade the Shetland Islands, just to test the waters 06:00 Deadline to apply for pet passports for travel in the EU in 2021 08:13 An anonymous tweeter finally comes up with a watertight argument why leaving the EU is wrong, but it's too late 09:02 Home Office Settled Status database hit by virus - EU citizens invited to resubmit 09:35 Boris Johnson opens the first 'Blue Passports Only' lane at Southend Airport 10:00 The Health Secretary opens a new hospital in a caravan on Canvey Island 11:00 Jacob Rees-Mogg appointed Minister For Indefatigable Deregulation 11:25 Council offices in Southwark fined £500 for still flying EU flag 12:00 Italian restaurant in Doncaster rebrands as Chlorinated Fried Chicken 13:30 Education Secretary announces that A-levels in foreign languages are to be withdrawn 14:22 Unconfirmed reports that an old people's home in Preston still has sufficient care staff 14:38 Boris Johnson urges couples of childbearing age to Bonk For Britain 15:00 Government launches new public information campaign - 'See, We Told You There Wouldn't Be Food Shortages' 15:45 Humber Bridge demolished because it was built using dirty European money 16:20 Nigel Farage launches his new political force, the English Independence Party 17:16 Skegness Tourist Board launches 'Sun, Sea and Fruit-picking' holiday campaign 18:22 Donald Trump flies in for initial US/UK trade talks (entirely coincidentally held at Leeds General Infirmary) 19:04 Wall to be built along the Kent Coast so that the continent can no longer be seen 20:50 Wetherspoons announces that people who voted Remain are no longer welcome in its pubs 20:53 Huawei confirms it knows who those people are 20:57 Wetherspoons signs contract with Huawei for installation of facial recognition system
Monday, February 3, 2020
09:00 The dawning realisation that nothing has changed, we're still following all the rules of the community we just left (and powerless to change them)
Thursday, December 31, 2020
23:00 Now this is going to be the interesting one...
