19:00 The 40th BRIT Awards, sponsored by a credit card I don't own, are being held at an arena sponsored by a mobile network I don't use. 19:05 I thought of popping down to see the stars being whisked out of their limos, but obviously you can't just turn up and see that, instead only mingle with executives and hangers-on surging off the Jubilee line to join the queue for security, so I decided to stay at home with a mug of tea. 19:25 This year the number of awards has been cut from thirteen to nine so they can squeeze more music in. 19:30 The Brit Awards have been held annually since 1982 when they were hosted by David Jacobs. That year Cliff Richard won British Male Solo Artist and Randy Crawford won British Female Solo Artist, which is a more diverse set of winners than we're likely to get this evening. 19:40 Social media from the red carpet is particularly ingratiating, and relentlessly focused on how gorgeous everyone looks. In the last half hour the official @BRITs twitter account has used over 20 emojis, most especially 😍. 19:55 The BRITs were first televised in 1985 when they were hosted by Noel Edmonds. I watched in student digs while eating a £1.10 fish and chip supper. Prince and Frankie Goes To Hollywood won two awards each. Christopher Hogwood's Four Seasons won Best Classical Recording.
20:00 Jack Whitehall ticks all the traditional boxes in the opening backstage sequence, most importantly not funny. 20:01 Neneh Cherry's daughter starts the show by singing a song the audience seems to know, backed by an army of writhing call centre interns. I'm pretty certain she's miming because nobody sounds like that naturally. 20:06 Jack Whitehall namechecks some famous attendees to see who gets the loudest cheer, and a 72 year-old wins. 20:08 Lewis Capaldi sings the one song of the night even your nan's heard, with his eyes closed, surrounded by red mist. 20:12AWARD - Best New Artist: I have heard of three of these. One of them I expect to never hear from again. The winner is the chubby Scottish lad who just sang about Some Birdy on stage. His entire five second speech has to be bleeped out because it's before the watershed. He then pops up three times in the subsequent ad break, which I suspect is no coincidence.
20:20AWARD - Female Solo Artist: I have heard of four of these. The winner is the daughter of the Best International Solo Artist 30 years ago. Mabel also performed at the top of the show, which suggests that performing live on the show might in fact be some kind of mass spoiler. 20:24 Harry Styles, in a lace jacket and pearls, sings his latest single to hysterical indifference. Behind him a grand piano gushes water. 20:30 I'm the same age that my parents were when we sat down and watched Sam Fox and Mick Fleetwood present that fiasco of a ceremony in 1989, and now I know how they felt.
20:33 Lizzo gives a body positive performance and shakes her backside a lot, seemingly wrapped in cirrus clouds at sunset. Her supremely commanding stage presence distracts from her songwriting ability. 20:34 Meanwhile the @BRITs twitter feed announces who's won the next award, because events in North Greenwich are subject to a six minute delay. 20:40AWARD - Male Solo Artist: I have heard of all of these. The winner is exactly who Twitter said it would be. Stormzy thanks God, then his management, crew and family. Harry Styles applauds politely dressed in a yellow jacket and magenta neckerchief that Yootha Joyce would have been proud of.
20:45 Twitter is now pre-announcing winners with a ten minute delay, so that's nice. 20:48 Dave sits at a two-sided piano whose surface is a video screen. Several Eurovision nations are no doubt taking presentational notes. He delivers a poetic celebration of race, rising to an angry crescendo - quite the most powerful presentation I've seen at the BRITs in years. Extra marks for slipping in "our Prime Minister's a real racist" halfway through. 20:54AWARD - International Male Solo Artist: I have heard of three of these. The winner is the one I have heard of the least, but he slags off Theresa May for banning him from the country five years ago so I warm to him rapidly. 20:58AWARD - Best Group: I have heard of four of these. I own none of their albums. The winner is the only band named after small horses. They look more likely to sit in the corner of a cafe than wreck a hotel room. 21:03 Billie Eilish performs the new Bond song, breathily, backed by a full orchestra. It's only obviously 007-related because the producer shoehorned in a familiar horn riff after one minute, and a stereotypical chord right at the end. 21:07 Jack Whitehall interviews Lizzo, in what could best be described as a wacky car crash. Harry Styles and a flautist play minor starring roles.
21:14AWARD - Rising Star: It's Celeste. We've known it was Celeste for weeks. That means no nominations, just a performance. This wouldn't have sounded out of place in Cabaret. 21:20AWARD - International Female Solo Artist: I have heard of four of these. The winner is one of the two nominees who've flown all this way and have already performed. Her hair colour matches the right half of the sponsor's logo, and could be custard powder. 21:25 Jack Whitehall interviews Harry Styles, who the directors have managed to slip into the show more frequently than ad breaks because they know their demographic. Lizzo is very much in second place.
21:32 Stormzy has been granted the coveted 'lengthy medley' slot which occupies an entire segment of the show. Initially he's backed by a gesturing choir, then he gets up off his chair like Boyzone and strides into the audience, then he hikes up to a raised platform for some Audio Muted waving, then the action segues into mass gyration with a guest vocalist, then everything goes full-on gospel with a Les Mis-sized cast, until finally it starts raining and everybody is very wet. I preferred Dave.
21:48AWARD - Best Song: I can hum five of these, but that's out of ten. Sir Tom Jones presents the award to the obvious young Scot, who is careful to have a bottle of Buckfast in his gob at the precise moment the camera cuts to him. He carefully places the bottle on the podium beside his statuette, the label facing forwards, and dedicates the award to his dead gran. 21:53AWARD - Best Album: I have heard of all the artists but only two of the albums. Dave wins, like he won the Mercury Music Prize, which hints at genuine credibility. He's wearing a particularly flammable-looking tracksuit. He bigs up South London and reminds everyone that they can be whoever they want to be, but leaves the Prime Minister out of it on this occasion. 21:58 Rod Stewart and the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra see us out, delaying the start of News At Ten by ten minutes. They have a joint album to promote rather than a career to celebrate. If anyone's Mum is still watching, she'll be saying "now that's a proper tune". Ronnie Wood and Kenney Jones join him for the finale, wearing some fantastically unconvincing hairpieces, to round things off with a reminder that music no longer sounds anything like it used to. 22:07 We end with a compilation of what the producers thought were the best bits, and a reminder that Love Island is starting an hour later than usual on ITV2. 22:08 Nine awards, nine performances and only six ad breaks, if you were counting.
