10 safe places to go in London during a coronavirus outbreak
1. Aveley Marshes
Nowhere in London is further away from other people than Aveley Marshes. This desolate outpost hugs the estuarine Thames and is segregated from the rest of Havering by acres of squelchy bog. Nobody lives within a mile and a half of Coldharbour Point, apart from the population of Erith who are safely tucked away on the opposite bank so cannot sneeze on you. A small industrial estate intrudes, but this is packed with anti-social businesses who were trying to get away from it all too, and is securely segregated behind a long fence.
The ideal contagion-free walk is section 24 of the London Loop between Rainham and Purfleet which eschews humanity for the majority of its length. Depart from Rainham station by following the waymarked track parallel to Ferry Lane. After passing beneath the A13 do not follow the official Loop route via Frog Island but launch off on the path across the marshes, because this is remoter still. On reaching the riverside be sure to pause to admire The Diver, a statue submerged at high tide, unless any other sightseers have driven down in which case move on swiftly. After the second jetty the landscape shifts to polluted landfill hillocks, occasional lorries and perhaps the odd container ship rippling through grey water. You are perfectly safe here, at least from viral infection. Continue along the river wall past the RSPB reserve as far as the Greater London boundary, but you should then retrace your steps before entering the outskirts of Purfleet because residents here may be unclean.
2. The Emerson Park shuttle
Almost nobody rides the Overground between Romford and Upminster, at least outside peak times, so this should be your travel mode of choice during this coronavirus outbreak. Even if passengers do selfishly choose to board, nobody walks up to the far end of the train because this is never adjacent to a platform entrance so you should be able to find an entire carriage to yourself.
Enjoy scenic views of the backs of houses, fox-infested cuttings and the occasional foot crossing. Perhaps alight at Emerson Park, keeping your nose and mouth safely covered, to window shop at the Oh My Cod fish restaurant and RSF Bathroom Designs before returning to the safety of your private compartment. Alighting at either Romford or Upminster is not recommended as thousands of potential viral reservoirs live here, so your best plan of action is to keep shuttling back and forth all day. Please be aware that the Emerson Park line is closed this weekend, as it was last weekend and the majority of weekends this month, because you can have too much of a good thing.
3. ICON Outlet at the O2
Shopping during a pandemic cannot be recommended due to the risk of picking up more than intended while roaming the aisles. But one place human contact is never a problem is the new outlet mall at the former Millennium Dome, whose branded units are rarely bothered by excessive footfall. Ride the escalator to the upper floor where empty floors gleam and numerous shop assistants can be seen readjusting the merchandise on the off chance that a potential purchaser might wander by.
Hundreds of handbags, designer jackets and deluxe saucepans lie untouched on the shelves, because the backside of the Greenwich peninsula is not yet on the capital's retail radar. Unlike a proper shopping centre ICON is not ideally suited to the provision of emergency supplies, but it is possible to stock up on essentials like clean underwear, thick scarves, vanilla-scented candles, luxury chocolate and condolence cards. When you're done, departing by Dangleway is of course the healthiest way to travel.
4. Richmond Park
As a 2500 acre expanse devoid of public transport links, Richmond Park has been certified 100% safe in the event of plague, pestilence or pandemic. Simply wander across the common until you find a space at least 100m away from anyone upwind who might cough unexpectedly, and stick it out until the current health emergency fades away.
5. The upstairs of a D8 bus
Travelling by bus - cocooning yourself inside a metal box filled with spluttering strangers - is an exceptionally reckless activity at this time. However the upper decks of vehicles on route D8 are rarely troubled by passengers, due to over-optimistic contract specifications, so you should be able to travel to the Bow Roundabout in total safety.
6. The Changing of the Guard
Normally this staple of London ceremonial would be teeming with foreigners, infected with heaven knows what, but the clampdown on international travel has reduced tourist numbers to an absolute trickle (and any who are present are likely to be sheathed in protective facemasks anyway).
7. Any cinema
A cinema is obviously an appalling place to go during an epidemic, but that means everyone else will have decided not to go either, so you should be able to sit in the middle of row 12 in total privacy and comfort.
8. Any public convenience
The coronavirus is easily nullified by the washing of hands for at least 20 seconds, so one safe way to exist outside the home is to restrict your movements to the immediate vicinity of a public convenience (assuming it has soap and running water, and the drier's working, and your local council hasn't closed them all down to save money).
9. Your home
That Brexit stockpile you set aside is about to pay dividends as you hunker down behind closed doors to sit out the coronavirus outbreak while your neighbours fall sick all around you. A diet of beans, rice and pasta will keep you healthy during your period of self-isolation, so long as you also remembered to stock up on vitamin supplements and tinned fruit. Do not answer the doorbell under any circumstances.
10. The whole of London
The number of reported cases of coronavirus in the whole of London is currently in single figures, which works out at barely 0.0001% of the population. Even given that the disease has a lengthy gestation period, hardly anybody in the capital is currently contagious. That sniffling woman sitting behind you on the train, or that man who looks a bit unclean and could sneeze at any minute, are ridiculously unlikely to be infected, let alone pass it on to you. The upcoming weeks and months may be very different, but right now there's more chance of you being hit by a car than succumbing to Covid-19. Take basic hygiene precautions, avoid surface-to-hand-to-face contact, and go about your daily life with confidence.
