January
The Oasis Carlton Hotel has given its traditional afternoon tea an elite makeover. Served on a traditional three-tier stand, their Luxury Afternoon Tea menu includes goodies such as a white chocolate and yuzu dome, drunken prune brownies and a chocolate and raspberry torte. Smoked salmon and lychee conserve are among the sandwich fillings, served alongside plain and fruit scones. When it comes to dessert tuck into dark chocolate mousse, avocado cheesecake and a lemon curd and mascarpone roulade.
February
Cheese and prosecco are two of the greatest things that life has to offer, and this month they're coming together in a glorious festival of bottomless fizz and fromage. Courtesy of our international distributors in liberated France, we guarantee the Camembert will never run out. Book your tickets and bring your friends to mingle, mingle, mingle in a confined space, maybe even share a chutney cracker or two. Fill your face, raise a sparkling flute to good health and embrace effortless excess.
March
Next time you're cruising the aisles at your local supermarket, which might be repeatedly, keep your eyes peeled for Elusive Pasta. This key staple is an essential part of any quarantine regime, or at least that's how it feels right now, so you absolutely must buy a dozen packets. Grab them from another shopper's trolley if you must. Should shelves be empty be sure to spread your germs to other grocery stores in the vicinity, or restrict your search to Elusive Rice, Elusive Tuna and Elusive Bog Roll instead.
April
It's hard to remember a time before Home Restaurant was the only place to eat. Tucked quietly down a residential street the feel's familial and relaxed, the cuisine wholesome and hearty. Even the kitchen is an excitable place to be, punters climbing the walls with excitement, in this inimitable house-party of an restaurant. Plates of spag bol are dished out on melamine trays, Heart Drivetime belts out over the smart speakers, and if you're lucky there's a fruit yoghurt for afters. Home Restaurant might not be perfect across the board, but it's deservedly busy.
May
At times like these the finest takeaway in town has to be the Covid Community Service. Volunteers from local streets, who could simply have selfishly hunkered down, have instead banded together to go shopping for neighbours no longer able to leave their homes. They'll happily bring you a bag of potatoes, a nice bit of mince, maybe even a few bananas (subject to availability) to help keep your larder topped up. You might even keep in touch with them after all this is over, fingers crossed.
June
Over 70? Tired of not going out? Now McDonald's steps up to the plate with an exciting new home delivery menu based on traditional British cuisine. Whether it's cottage pie, bangers and mash or steak and kidney pudding, our new Full English selection has something to brighten your quarantine diet. Top off your food parcel with a treat from our sweet trolley, for example sherry trifle or jam roly poly and a sachet of custard. No mobile app required, just ring us on your landline and we'll send a bike round.
July
Please come back to Jenny's Bar And Restaurant in Church Street. We've missed you and need to see you again. From Saturday when key social restrictions are lifted we'll be offering a full range of food and beverage options guaranteed to cure your hibernation blues. Our chef Marco will be conjuring up all those pasta-based Italian dishes you've been missing so much recently. Behind the bar Sabine has our entire mothballed stock of wines and spirits which we need to shift or risk bankruptcy. Good times! Human company! Please come.
August
There's just time to visit Jenny's Bar And Restaurant in Church Street. As virus cases spike for a second time and further lockdown approaches, come join us to make special memories that'll tide you through the long winter ahead. We recommend our oven-baked wood-smoked pizza - the kind you absolutely can't cook at home - accompanied by a glass of cask-fermented craft ale on draught. Our garden remains closed while the unfortunate deluge of the last four weeks continues. Remember it's all about the experience, and keeping a local business afloat.
September
Your personalised ration book should be dropping through your letterbox any day now! Take careful note of the colour of its cover, as this confirms the day of the week you'll be permitted to visit your local supermarket. Orange covers, you're first on Monday, so bring your bags and be ready to queue. Green and purple covers, sorry, you have to wait until the weekend when we hope there'll still be supplies left for you. Try not to use up all the chocolate tokens on the back page as your next book won't arrive until after Christmas.
October
Her Majesty's Government is proud to launch the National Bread Service. Army caterers have been redeployed to bake standard medium-sliced loaves for the populace, leaving supermarkets to concentrate on other basic goods which are running low. Wholemeal flour will be used to bolster the nation's bowel habits. One British Loaf will be delivered to each UK household on a weekly basis, with an additional loaf for all those with children under 16. Buns, rolls, croissants and artisan focaccia will be discontinued.
November
What else can you do with baked beans? If you had the sense to stockpile several cans when they were in plentiful supply, your family may now be bored of eating them once a week instead of their usual five a day. Now is the time to check the back of your cupboards for exotic ingredients to supplement your dining experience. For example out-of-date stock cubes niftily sprinkled can create 'beefy beans', while a tub of own brand curry powder could become 'spicy beans'. Don't open that can of tinned peaches just yet, though, you may need it to fend off scurvy.
December
This Christmas bring the family together using the YuleLink app, now available on all mobile platforms. Wherever your nearest and dearest are eating Christmas Dinner this year, in whichever far flung boltholes, fire up YuleLink and share a livestream from your dining tables. The app includes imitation turkey filters, 'virtual crackers' and digital recreations of seasonal vegetables not currently available. Raise a glass of simulated champagne to loved ones lost, and let's make it a Christmas to remember.
