Thank you for tasking our minor marketing agency with the upgrade of your national coronavirus strategy.
We brainstormed and thoughtshowered for literally minutes, and have come up with this fantastic public health campaign.
On the left is your original.
On the right is our nuanced update for immediate release.
1. Note the subtle change of colour from red to green. Red is a negative colour associated with warnings and prohibition, which is no longer the message you want to send. Green is a positive colour associated with freedom and wide open spaces, so better reflects the upcoming national mood. Switching from red to green is a subliminal hint that the nation's traffic lights have changed from Stop to Go, and we can all now speed ahead along the reopened economic superhighway.
2. Stay Home was a terrible slogan, flatly contradicting official advice that it was OK to go out as little as possible. We have therefore replaced one of the two words to create a less erroneous phrase, removing ambiguity at a stroke. Every Briton knows what Stay Alert means, so we can guarantee full compliance with new behavioural norms.
Staying Alert will prevent the virus from creeping up on people when they aren't looking.
Staying Alert will raise our collective defences against this invisible foe.
Staying Alert is the patriotic choice for rebuilding a safer Britain.
3. Protect the NHS was a great slogan but is no longer appropriate. Instead we must now Protect the Economy, except this is too long to fit inside the rectangle, and also too overtly mercenary. We have therefore decided to run with Control The Virus instead, in a brazen attempt to transfer ultimate responsibility from government to the individual.
Controlling The Virus is an active strategy with transparently well-defined aims.
Controlling The Virus will show this nasty little bacteria who's who.
Controlling The Virus can only be achieved if we Stay Alert.
4. We haven't changed the final phrase - Save Lives - because tinkering with a successful slogan is counterproductive and liable to lead to confusion and misunderstanding.
Unfortunately we have not had time to trial our new campaign with a focus group, but we did ask Caroline's sister what she thought and she claimed not to get the gist. We therefore recommend running a separate campaign explaining how to control the virus by staying alert for the benefit of those too stupid to work it out for themselves.
It couldn't be more clear.
» Downgrading the confinement message to 'Stay at home as much as possible' satisfies the most rabid curtain-twitchers whilst simultaneously permitting anyone to drive 20 miles for a KFC if they so wish.
» Working from home 'if you can' plays well with middle-class professionals, whilst simultaneously forcing human fodder back to their menial jobs in potentially life-threatening environments.
» Free-thinking Britons will appreciate the phrase 'limit contact with other people' as it defines no restrictions whatsoever, so if they fancy meeting up in the park or nipping to the garden centre nothing appears to be stopping them.
» We've decided to add a 'where possible' caveat to the former two metre limit for social distancing, because the police have better things to do than breaking up barbecues or wagging fingers at unruly joggers.
» Finally don't think we've forgotten about the continued importance of remembering to wash your hands regularly, because this is precisely where staying alert and controlling the virus began.
We strongly suggest leaking a small fraction of these plans to the press several days in advance to raise false expectations amongst the general public. Just before a bank holiday weekend with good weather would be ideal, giving super-spreaders maximum opportunity to increase their contacts amongst the wider community. The more confusing these predictions sound, the wider your campaign collateral will be shared on social media. The resulting online fracas is guaranteed to boost the ratings of the Prime Ministerial broadcast in which you announce the actual measures (or alternatively waffle for fifteen minutes without further clarification, your choice).
Perhaps muddy the waters further by introducing a five point scale in which only the top and bottom stages are defined, then confirm we're somewhere between the third and fourth. Calling them Alert Levels, when they have nothing to do with staying alert, we think would be genius.
We very much hope that you will adopt our communication strategy in full, not least because we can no longer pay the rent and need our employees back in the office as soon as possible.
Our new three part slogan allows you to cover your own back should the fudged message lead to a catastrophic further spike in deaths, while still letting you claim total responsibility should outcomes be successful.
Most importantly, if anyone gets infected it'll now be their fault because they didn't control the virus and they didn't stay alert. We believe this is an approach you can personally identify with, Prime Minister.
