Occasionally I clear out my kitchen cupboards, poking around at the very back behind the tins of baked beans, jars of jam and packets of cup-a-soup. Here I discover a netherworld of previous purchases, a comestible archive, a stack of stuff well past its best-before-date. Under normal circumstances I should chuck this lot out, but I never quite have (and given the current 'situation' I'm pleased I never did). I'm sure most of it's perfectly edible, whatever the official deadline says, so perhaps I should start tucking in. Here's a list of the worst offenders...
• Bernard Massard - Brut [2000 vintage] - Given to me by my letting agent as a housewarming gift the day I moved into my flat. I'm still waiting for an excuse to open it, and/or company to share it with, but it's probably beyond flat by now.
• Microwaveable Apple and Cinnamon Sponge Pudding (320g) [Nov 2002] - From the days when 'microwaveable' was a) still novel b) a selling point. I bet I could safely eat it tomorrow (but I'm tempted to hang on until November 2022).
• Typhoo Millennium Blend (20 bags) [Feb 2003] - Typhoo were the official supplier of tea to the Millennium Dome, and also flogged packs of 20 teabags in futuristic silver sachets to the general public. I have three left, mainly because I don't want to throw the box away.
• Fray Bentos Steak & Mushroom Pie (425g) [May 2003] - Nothing says kitchen cupboard desperation like a pie in a tin, indeed I don't ever remember one of these tasting even vaguely nice. Still got it, though.
• Nisa Mixed Herbs (50g) [Jun 2003] - I had a friend over once who insisted on cooking and was aghast to find my cupboards devoid of 'basic' ingredients. We went to the corner shop for this small jar, which I remember made the mushroom pasta taste funny, so I've never fancied adding it to anything since.
• Sliced carrots in water (no added sugar) (180g) [Jan 2005] - If nothing else, old tins show just how far graphic design's changed in the last decade.
• Tesco Ready to serve Mint Sauce (320g) [Nov 2006] - I could happily squirt mint sauce on almost anything, and this bottled version was a teatime favourite for years... until Tesco suddenly stopped making it. I've never wanted to open my last bottle because that'd be final. I fear I may have missed my chance.
• Limited edition 'Believe' Mars bar (54g) [Feb 2007] - Issued in that heady summer of 2006 when England were absolutely definitely going to walk away with the World Cup, honest. I keep it as a totemic keepsake of misplaced optimism.
• Evian Natural Mineral Water (2l) [Mar 2007] - I never drink the stuff, it's a complete waste of money. But I've got this bottle stashed away for the day my taps run dry. Or Armageddon, whichever comes sooner.
• Cinnamon Tic Tacs (5/8 oz) [Apr 2008] - They don't make these any more, not with the proper old school fiery taste. I need to remember to eat these before I die, otherwise holding back one pack will have been an utter waste.
• Tesco Snack In A Pot Roast Onion Mash (57g) [Aug 2008] - Before you judge my taste in food too vehemently, remember this is all the stuff I haven't consumed in years. And long may it remain so.
• Reduced sugar Strawberry Jam (454g) [Feb 2009] - I remember picking this off the supermarket shelf thinking it might be good for me. I still haven't thought it worth opening.
• Heinz Cream of Mushroom Soup (400g) [Jul 2009] - It's a classic, but when the need for soup strikes I invariably reach for a cup-a-soup instead, for convenience's sake. More fool me, because I know this'd taste much nicer.
• Green's Carmelle (4 sachets) [Jul 2009] - Who doesn't love a good "vanilla dessert", aka caramel pudding? But I never seem to have enough milk spare, or the nous to remember to open the packet four hours before I'm hungry.
• Green Giant Sweetcorn (340g) [Jul 2009] - Emergency vegetables are always a good idea. Subconsciously I've earmarked this can for next January, in case a third spike compounds catastrophic No Deal food shortages.
• Instant Jelly Crystals (2 sachets) [Aug 2009] - Low in sugar, fat and saturates? I should be eating this stuff more often, but instead it languishes too far back on a top shelf for me to ever spot it. Were it jelly cubes, I'd have gobbled it down years ago.
• Knorr Chicken Cubes (8) [Jul 2011] - A blatant OXO rip off, and also very much not cubic so I could probably have got a refund.
• Tesco Mandarin segments (175g) [Dec 2011] - Best Before dates are purely advisory. These'll be perfectly fine, one day.
• Co-Op Rich Fruit Christmas pudding (454g) [Apr 2013] and Bird's Rum Sauce (500g) [Feb 2013] - Normally I spend Christmas in Norfolk. I fear I may need to microwave these two myself these year.
Lessons learned 1) I must remember to stop buying new food when I already have perfectly serviceable old food. 2) Tinned food's not big and it's not clever, but one day you'll be damned glad you've got some. 3) If you're an old school blogger looking for an idea to write about, go look in your kitchen cupboards.
