Cleethorpes is North East Lincolnshire's seaside resort. Officially what you're paddling in is the Humber estuary, not the sea, but the beach is broad and sandy so the daytrippers don't mind. Cleethorpes grew from a fishing village to a bathing place to a full-on resort in the 19th century, providing an ideal coastal getaway for the folk of south Yorkshire. It's not so popular today but hasn't lost all of its charm, and prides itself on not (quite) being Grimsby. [20 photos][Visit Cleethorpes]
»» The pier
Let's start with the pier which is conveniently located at the head of the promenade. It used to be a lot longer to span the broad tidal range in the estuary, but lost three quarters of its length in 1940 as part of defence works to deter German invasion. What remains is a brief asymmetrical boardwalk leading to an offshore platform with a single large pavilion... which has had at least ten different owners over the last 40 years. The latest business trying to make a go of things is Papa's, an east coast chippy brand with a habit of opening "the world's largest fish and chip restaurant", of which this is their third.
The pavilion seats 500 diners and also incorporates a takeaway, although both require pre-booking this summer which made dropping in for battered haddock too much of a hassle. I was also put off by the takeaway cartons stacked against the front window which prominently featured the phrase 'as featured on the BBC', although it turned out this was for reasons of haute cuisine and not the result of a Watchdog investigation. But mostly I took against Papa's because they'd sealed off the walkways around three sides of the pavilion so the best sea views were available only to those seated inside. It's fortunate that Cleethorpes won Pier of the Year the year before this catering monopoly turned up because, although the exterior looks splendid, I doubt it'd win today.
»» The promenade
Cleethorpes' beachfront promenade runs for just over a mile and is divided into North, Central and South.
North's where the action is, if by action you mean amusement arcades, soft play and a low-key nightclub. On a wet day it offers somewhere to hide and something to do. It's also where the station is so the first place tourists see on arrival, enticed by an ornate clocktower only to be deposited at the entrance to the Fantasy World arcade. The bare minimum of a funfair has been set up on the sands featuring a carousel, a not-so-big wheel, a helter skelter and the tamest of rollercoasters. At the red-and-white striped Cleethorpes Rock Company kiosk plastic sheeting is sometimes used to screen the sugar-rich display from the driving rain. Fryer Tuck's Take Away serves absolutely nothing healthy, with chips, as is right and proper at the seaside.
Central starts at the pier and runs down to the lifeboat station beneath the High Cliff Road. The landward side is backdropped by Pier View Gardens, a thin strip of quintessential resort furniture including flower beds, crazy golf and a waterfall. Crazy golf is cutthroat business in Cleethorpes as each 18-holer competes for business. Friend-of-the-blog Richard Gottfried highly recommends the classic Arnold Palmer, a UK rarity, but also also rates Oddballs for its massive windmill and the hole concealed inside a scale model of the pier. The teenager manning the ticket booth looked beyond bored as I dripped past, as did the hopeful soul in the dry at Julie's Ice Cream Parlour. For the best view along the seafront head to Ross Castle, which isn't a castle but a mock ruin built in 1885 with a spiralling ramp to the upper platform.
South is much less commercialised, a long promenade set back from the road for keen strollers only. A strip down the centre is marked for the use of the Lollipop Road Train, so-called because the conductor hands out free lollipops to every child that travels. What else is a former trawler skipper supposed to do after retirement? The Cleethorpes illuminations appear intermittently atop wooden posts, and leave Blackpool nothing to worry about. As for the beach this is easily accessible behind a low concrete wall, and had been freshly raked earlier on the morning of my visit. Walk right to the end and you reach a formidable leisure centre, built to replace a storm damaged open air pool (beyond which are the boating lake, miniature railway and meridian crossing I told you about yesterday).
»» The town
40,000 people live in Cleethorpes and they get a proper high street, although the majority of businesses near the seafront specialise solely in serving food. Top of the recommended list is Steel's Corner House, a half-timbered fish and chip restaurant opened in 1946 and under the same management since 1978. They don't normally do takeaway but have adapted this summer so I had the opportunity of a pre-ordered box of flaky haddock, and all I can say is I'm not sure why the kebab house nextdoor bothers.
I also took the opportunity to check out a couple of estate agent windows, because it's good for a Londoner to be grounded occasionally. Detached chalet bungalow £55,000. Two bedroom flat £79,500. Three bedroomed terraced house £90,000. Three bedroomed semi £135,000. Three-storey house with five bedrooms £180,000. If all that has you sobbing, perhaps ask yourself what's more important, living conditions or location. So long as you love fish and chips you have nothing to fear.
Cleefacts
» Cleethorpes resident are nicknamed Meggies (as opposed to people from Skegness who are Skeggies).
» Cleethorpes' most famous offspring are songwriter Rod Temperton and actresses Michelle Dotrice and Patricia Hodge
» Cleethorpes prides itself on overperforming in the annual Britain in Bloom competition, peaking with an RHS Gold Champion of Champions award in 2012, although the gold plaques on the wall above Sandcastles gift shop cease abruptly after 2015.
»» The overlap
At the far end of the North Promenade, beyond the go karts and the Sunday market, the coast path passes onto a high sea wall. To one side an incredible sweep of concrete steps leads down to a crescent of beach, almost as if this were an auditorium rather than a breakwater. The main railway line cuts off access from the landward side, eventually spanned by a single footbridge which fails to match up with a gap in the sea wall. The coast becomes more industrial, the inland streets more resolutely terraced, and somewhere along this stretch Cleethorpes merges silently into Grimsby. Let's save its delights for tomorrow.
