Nothing is more important to the English people than Christmas. The giving of gifts, high streets lit up with fairy lights, children's twinkly faces and twenty people sitting round a table feasting on a huge turkey with all the trimmings. We must protect Christmas at all costs, no matter what the naysayers say.
That's why I'm announcing not a lockdown but a strengthening of national measures, definitely not a lockdown. We must all spend November indoors so that Christmas can take place as normally as possible - carol singers on the doorstep, tinsel on the tree and maybe ten people sitting round a table guzzling a large turkey with trimmings.
I'm under no illusion about how difficult these next four weeks will be, but it is my sincere belief that if we shutdown over Divali we can surely rescue Christmas. Last minute shopping, Santa bringing presents and a maximum of six people sitting round a table eating a medium-sized turkey with some of the trimmings.
I am truly sorry for having to close everything again, but I firmly believe the country can only be persuaded to stay indoors if I pretend to promise a perfectly normal Christmas at the end of it. A bag of Aunt Bessie's from the freezer, a small tin of Quality Street and a single household gathered in the kitchen defrosting a turkey joint.
No freedom-loving Prime Minister wants to be seen imposing such harsh restrictions, but we will get through this if we act now and follow the rules I have so clearly stated. Stay at home and I can guarantee you the most memorable Christmas of your life, sat on an empty sofa with a box of After Eights and nobody to pull your cracker with.
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