1 And in the twelfth month the angel Dido was sent from Test And Trace unto a city of Tierthree, to a virgin of the house of Covid; and the virgin's name was Mary. 2 And the angel came in unto her, even though she should have stayed two metres away on the doorstep, and said, Hail thou that art highly positive, the virus is with thee: cursed art thou among women. 3 And when Mary saw her she was troubled at her appearance, and cast in her mind what manner of face-swaddling this should be. 4 And the angel said unto her, Fear not, Mary: for thou shalt conceive in thy womb and bring forth a son, and his pronouns will be He and Them. 5 Then said Mary unto the angel, How shall this be, seeing as I have not known a man for nine months? 6 And the angel answered and said unto her, The spirit of Bill Gates shall come upon thee, and the power of 5G shall overshadow thee: and thou shalt be injected with microchips. 7 And Mary said, Behold the fake news of the elite; I will never submit to the vaccine or install your blessed app on my phone.
8 And it came to pass in those days that there went out a reluctant decree from Boris Augustus that all the world should be locked down. 9 And this taxing was first made when Rishi was governor of Furlough. 10 And all stayed alert to control the virus and protect the NHS, every one into his own home. 11 And so it was that, while Mary was self-isolating, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. 12 And being great with child she summoned her midwife unto the portal of Windows, which is called Zoom. 13 And she brought forth her firstborn son, and laid him in an Amazon carton; because there was no longer room for them in the hospital.
14 And there were in the same country Cummings abiding in the field, keeping watch over his civil servants by night. 15 And, lo, the symptoms of the lurgy came upon him, and a persistent cough reverberated round about him: and he was sore afraid. 16 And the Health Secretary said unto him, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you legislation of great ambiguity, which shall be entirely disregarded by all ministers and their advisers. 17 For unto you this day in the city of Barnard Castle is an optician, which shall be your indemnity. 18 And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find a bolthole at the bottom of your parents' garden, and some nice riverside walks nearby. 19 And suddenly there was with the tabloids a multitude of the population demonising Dominic, and saying, 20 Bollocks to Cummings in the highest, he's taking the peace, but we still have enormous goodwill toward Boris.
21 And it came to pass, as the ministerial press conference was gone away from them, the townspeople said one to another, 22 Let us now go even unto the pub in the high street, and eat this substantial meal which is come to pass, which Wetherspoons hath made known unto us. 23 And they came with haste, in family groups not exceeding six, and found a scotch egg lying alongside their pint of bitter. 24 And when they had consumed it, they threw away their masks and went round to a friend's house and continued drinking. 25 And all they that heard them tutted at these things and contacted the police hotline. 26 And the revellers returned home, spreading the virus to their old folk and praising Boris for all the leeway they had been given.
27 And lo the rainbow, which the good people placed in their windows, went proper viral, till it came to stand in lieu of a proper pay rise for health workers. 28 Whenever the nation saw the rainbow, they applauded with exceeding great joy. 29 And when they were locked down in their houses, they saw Sir Tom walking round his garden, and worshipped him. 30 And with the millions he raised they presented unto the NHS gifts: of sanitiser, and respirators, and PPE.
31 Now when Brexit was being settled in the days of Ursula the president, behold, there came truckers from the east to the port of Dover, 32 Saying, Where are the portaloos and lateral flow tests? for we have seen the blockage on the M20, and are come to join the queue. 33 And being warned by the ensuing chaos that they should never return to Britain after the transition period, they departed into their own country another way. 34 When Boris the PM had heard these things, he was untroubled, and all his rich hedge fund chums with him.
35 And when he had gathered all the chief scientists and scribes of the health service together, he demanded of them where Tier 4 should be extended. 36 And they said unto him, In Sussex and East Anglia: for thus it is written by the data, next slide please. 37 And thou Sheppey, in the land of Kent, art not the least among the wastelands of the estuary: for out of thee shall come a mutant strain that shall threaten people exponentially. 38 Then Boris, when he had privily called the wise men, enquired of them diligently whether the mutant strain might be used to divert blame from ministerial incompetence. 39 And he said, Be of good cheer, it will all be over by Easter, if not as promised by Christmas; and verily we have taken back control. 40 Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Ten.
