GOVERNMENT TO INTRODUCE 'GOOD NEWS CALENDAR' FROM TOMORROW
The past year has been tough for all of us. Even mention of the words 'March', 'April' and 'May' brings back dark memories of sacrifice, isolation and misery nobody would wish to repeat.
The government has therefore decided to introduce a brand new calendar to improve the nation's mood, wipe away past trauma and help us focus on the better times ahead.
The Good News Calendar is structured around the Prime Minister's four-step roadmap out of lockdown. Every month starts on the day of a relaxation of restrictions, which for simplicity's sake is always a Monday.
It is a historical fact that if you introduce a new calendar you get to name the months after yourself, so all the months are named after key government ministers. The first month coincides with our children's return to face-to-face education so has been named Gavin after our esteemed education secretary.
Tomorrow will therefore be Monday the first of Gavin, and no longer March the 8th, International Women's Day or any other woke nonsense. Please adjust your calendars appropriately.
GAVIN
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MARCH
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Key dates in Gavin 2021 Monday 1st Gavin: children return to school en masse (hurrah!) Tuesday 2nd Gavin: R number starts to rise again Sunday 7th Gavin: Mother's Day (assuming you still have one) Saturday 13th Gavin: first day of spring (and about time too) Tuesday 16th Gavin: first anniversary of lockdown (this will not be celebrated) Sunday 21st Gavin: English Summer Time begins (two hours ahead of GMT, because we can do this now we've left the EU)
The next stage in our national unlocking begins on the Monday before Easter. This is the glorious day the longstanding 'Stay at Home' order is lifted, so the new month has been named Priti after our formidable Home Secretary.
Priti will be two weeks long and coincides with the festival of Easter.
PRITI
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MARCH/APRIL
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Key dates in Priti 2021 Monday 1st Priti: outdoor gatherings permitted (hurrah!) Thursday 4th Priti: Priti Fools Day Friday 5th Priti: Very Good Friday (enormous queues on roads to DIY megastores) Sunday 7th Priti: Easter Sunday (enormous queues on roads to garden centres) Monday 8th Priti: Freeport Monday (enormous queues on roads to beaches)
Dates for further relaxation of lockdown are technically subject to change, allowing time for the cautious analysis of scientific data. However nothing is going to stop us reopening shops and pubs as promised, triggering a month named Rishi after our much-loved Chancellor.
Rishi will be five weeks long and coincides with the long-awaited return of outdoor hospitality.
RISHI
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APRIL/MAY
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Key dates in Rishi 2021 Monday 1st Rishi: non-essential retail and outdoor table service return (hurrah!) Thursday 12th Rishi: St George's Day (new ultra-patriotic bank holiday) Thursday 19th Rishi: Captain Tom's Birthday Observance (7pm clap in memoriam) Monday 22nd Rishi: Rishi Day bank holiday (that's the socialist May Day rubbish cancelled) Thursday 25th Rishi: local and national elections (massive 'vaccine bounce' anticipated) Thursday 32nd Rishi: that looks very odd (months have 35 days now, you'll get used to it)
Assuming people have behaved properly, Rishi will end after five weeks as planned. The new month will herald the triumphant return of indoor mingling so has been named Gove after the People's Champion.
Gove will be five weeks long and is certain to coincide with warm, sunny, Pimms-perfect weather.
GOVE
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MAY/JUNE
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Key dates in Gove 2021 Monday 1st Gove: Pubs! Restaurants! Other People's Houses! (and about bloody time) Tuesday 2nd Gove: Eat Out To Resuscitate The Economy (ongoing) Monday 15th Gove: Late Spring Meltdown (the bank holiday to end all bank holidays) Thursday 25th Gove: Prince Philip's 100th birthday (assuming he makes it that far) Friday 12th Never: foreign holidays permitted (but hey, book ahead anyway)
Eventually, on what used to be June 21st, all legal limits on social contact will be lifted. Stubborn scientists might disagree, based on real life data not being as positive as rose-tinted forecasts assumed, but backbenchers will definitely know better so we intend to unlock anyway.
The new month has been named Boris after Britain's greatest libertarian, the hero who will guide our country safely out of national crisis.
BORIS
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etc
...
Key dates in Boris 2021 Monday 1st Boris: freedom is restored Wednesday 24th Boris: no sign of any problems so far Friday 40th Boris: absolutely no issues whatsoever Thursday 95th Boris: restriction-free nirvana continues Saturday 187th Boris: utterly normal Christmas, honest
Boris will continue forever because exit from lockdown is irreversible. Our apologies if you end up seriously ill or dead as a result, but the Good News Calendar never ends.
