100 ways to boost your herd immunity on Freedom Day
(because if only 1% of the population has Covid, then 99 of these are totally safe)
1) Lick a pensioner. 2) Attend a children's party. 3) Leave the car at home and cram onto public transport this morning. 4) Ceremonially burn the face covering you haven't been wearing for the last few months anyway. 5) Unpin that "actually I'm exempt" badge from your jacket. 6) Uninstall the Test & Trace app because it's finally working properly. 7) Book a foreign holiday safe in the knowledge that quarantine can't be reimposed soon. 8) Throw all your lateral flow tests in the recycling. 9) Go to the cinema and sit immediately behind someone who looks nervous. 10) Ignore that niggling shortness of breath because it's not an official symptom. 11) Find a nightclub that opens at midnight and get yourself on the floor. 12) Reacquaint yourself with the delights of bar service. 13) Stop getting tested, because if nobody tests there won't be any cases. 14) Sit down next to a fellow rail passenger with a satisfying plop. 15) Organise an end-of-term school trip to a local care home. 16) Finally gather the entire family together for roast turkey and all the trimmings. 17) Be sure to rip down any lingering "stay 2m apart" signs you find while out and about. 18) Jog to your local supermarket, then pant a lot by the entrance. 19) Reinstall Tinder so you can get back out there and spread yourself. 20) Head into the office rather than cowering in safety in your spare room. 21) Join the mourners at a nearby funeral and elbow your way into the second row. 22) Go round and shut all the windows upstairs on the bus. 23) Assume the "please wear a mask" sign by the shop door can now be ignored. 24) Head to Chequers and jeer over the security fence. 25) Buy advance tickets for a gig repeatedly postponed since March 2020. 26) You feel really safe now, so why not spend prolonged time with a vulnerable individual? 27) Remember it's your civic duty to support local businesses now the Chancellor isn't. 28) Stop feeling so nervous about everything, you big wimp. 29) Meet all your friends indoors rather than outside in the nice sunny park. 30) Sneeze over an elderly relative so they can get sick while the hospitals are less busy. 31) Don't get vaccinated yet because the government might increase the incentives later. 32) Think how cool it would be to be patient zero for a brand new variant. 33) Stop washing your hands because that was ridiculous nanny state behaviour. 34) Remember, the economy needs you to think you're invincible. 35) Say 'yes' to everything, life's too short. 36) Support inner city hospitality because they've been waiting 16 months for you to come back. 37) Uninstall Zoom because meetings are always much more productive in person. 38) Remember you can't catch it twice, even though this in unproven. 39) Sit on the bus proudly announcing you haven't been vaccinated, even if you have. 40) Throw caution to the wind because surely things can't get any worse. 41) You're still alive, so the disease's fatality rate must have been exaggerated. 42) Let's laugh at all the hypochondriacs overseas still behaving cautiously. 43) If your chin feels empty now you're not wearing a mask, grow a beard. 44) Now we've proved Covid was a hoax, why not join the Flat Earth Society? 45) We're all going to have to lock down again in September, so get out and party now. 46) Stop worrying that everyone else might be infected because only some of them are. 47) Pledge to cheer all the big Olympic finals down the pub. 48) You must be sick of the UK by now so get on a plane out as soon as you can. 49) A trip to the cinema is a good way to find out if you really are 'extremely vulnerable'. 50) Relaxation is irreversible so book your Xmas party now. 51) If the PM can do what the hell he likes, why shouldn't you? 52) It's about time we prioritised the impatient over the incautious. 53) Freedom to overburden the NHS is at the heart of what it means to be British. 54) We can save more jobs if you stop jogging and go back to the gym. 55) When the next election comes round, remember Labour wouldn't have freed you so soon. 56) Killing off the rest of the elderly should solve the UK's social care crisis. 57) Let's put QR codes back in the Dark Ages where they belong. 58) Ending all regulations can't possibly be worse than what's gone before. 59) Lots of these people will just die of flu this winter, so why not a few months early? 60) It's much safer abroad, so protect yourself by booking a holiday there. 61) Reacquaint yourself with the thrills and smells of peak-time commuting. 62) If they haven't been vaccinated it's their own fault. 63) Follow the Health Secretary's lead by lowering your guard and attending face to face meetings. 64) We just need to learn to live with it, or die trying. 65) If herd immunity's a myth, we can only prove that by embracing it. 66) If you get pinged, claim you're on a special trial and carry on regardless. 67) Now's a great time to join a choir, the larger the better. 68) A 'request' to wear a face covering is even more easily ignored. 69) Thousands more deaths are a small price to pay for going to festivals again. 70) Make it a challenge to see how many people you can sit next to in a day. 71) They'll cut your local bus service if you don't start using it again. 72) So long as everyone else continues to exercise caution, you don't need to. 73) The risk from poor ventilation indoors must be at its lowest during a heatwave. 74) It's been too long since you interacted with 100s of random strangers daily. 75) If we all infect each other and force another lockdown, Boris will surely have to resign. 76) Best go back to the office even if you feel unwell or they'll think you're workshy. 77) What we really need is some good old-fashioned British recklessness. 78) There's no point holding big events again if nobody's going to go. 79) Long Covid is an illusion so long as it happens to someone else. 80) This country never got to be great without taking the occasional risk. 81) If we're lucky it might last long enough for us to go watch the new Bond film. 82) It's not proper freedom until you've broken a few rules. 83) Hospitalisations are still rising, so best unlock now before they reach their peak. 84) Assume you had it months ago without realising and then act accordingly. 85) The most important thing is to ease the future tax burden as quickly as possible. 86) It was only ever guidance, and now it's not even that. 87) Technically the risk from climate change is much greater, so refocus your angst. 88) The most important freedom is that the government can do whatever it likes. 89) Rip off your mask and return to the joys of shopping unmuzzled. 90) The only danger at a big wedding reception is that your suit no longer fits. 91) It is safe out there - the Prime Minister's out of circulation for a week. 92) It's finally OK to stop tutting about mask non-compliance. 93) The rabid unlockers only need a few weeks of freedom to see the folly of their ways. 94) The government didn't cause what happens next, you just weren't careful enough. 95) Everyone needs to spend every night this week down the pub. 96) If we play our cards right we could infect the entire country in a week. 97) Celebrate Freedom Day by hugging a stranger, preferably several. 98) We can't expect people to follow rules forever. 99) Use personal judgement. 100) Exercise common sense.
