All legal restrictions are to be ended and all state support withdrawn, which is excellent news because it confirms that the virus is no longer a danger. After two years of having our liberty restricted, our freedoms curtailed and our civil rights crushed, today we cast off our shackles and return to living our best lives.
I for one am proud to be English because we've successfully scrapped our restrictions faster than everyone else. Other countries are still faffing around with face coverings, social distancing and taxpayer support but not us, we're better than that. We've defeated the virus with characteristic pluck, canny knowhow and sheer common sense. This is what we left the EU for, the ability to abandon bureaucracy and take appropriate risks safe in the knowledge that only the weakest will suffer.
It's only right that we start living with Covid. It's going to be around forever so we might as well get used to it, indeed we should have embraced this strategy from the very start. Life has to go on.
It's only right that testing is being wound down. We don't need to keep swabbing ourselves to see if we have a virus that isn't going to kill us anyway. Far better not to know we've got it, especially if there are no symptoms. That sniffle you've got is probably just a cold so what's to gain from confirming that it isn't? You only have to look at the data to see than the number of cases is falling, which is exactly what you'd expect if nobody's testing any more, thereby confirming that the pandemic has almost blown itself out.
It's only right that self-isolation comes to an end. All it did was cut you off from society when you needed help most, and it couldn't prevent infection because you were infected anyway. Instead we all should be free to get on a bus and sit next to anyone we like or go down the pub and breathe over our closest friends or cough through a film at the cinema in the company of strangers. Most importantly we must be allowed to struggle into the office even when we're feeling under the weather, just like we did in the good old days, because nobody's going to pay us if we don't.
It's only right that free testing is withdrawn. Keeping track of who's infected has cost us billions over the last two years and we cannot afford this charade to continue. Providing free health services on demand is a ridiculously outdated concept and the general public needs to learn to live without it. Anyone who still wants a test can always buy one, or indeed lots of tests over a lengthy period of time if they're at particular risk, because I assume everyone can afford this. The chronically ill really should have been stocking up on free tests throughout the period they've been available, and can always resort to eBay if they haven't.
It's only right that self-isolation payments come to an end. The government's already spent billions on furlough and fraud, supporting businesses that might not even have been profitable anyway. It cannot possibly support individual employees as well without wasting the hard-earned taxes of healthier members of the workforce. Thankfully anyone poor enough to require sick pay should also be unable to afford a test in the first place so that problem basically solves itself.
It's only right that some preventative measures remain. We should continue to carry out a limited national survey of random citizens so that any resurgence can be detected after it's happened. Older citizens must be offered a fourth vaccine because the over-75s remain the most likely to vote Conservative. The government is sure to maintain a therapeutics taskforce so that its friends in the biomedical industries can continue to receive a flow of public money. We need to manage future risks via more routine methods because the country's already bankrupted itself several times over so best not do it again.
It's only right that scientists once again take a back seat. The pandemic is essentially a political issue, not a health crisis, so we need politicians to stand up and take the big decisions. Say what you like about Boris Johnson but he's been the perfect leader to have in a crisis, an instinctive libertarian keen to impose restrictions for as short a period as possible (or doing whatever keeps his pack of swivel-eyed backbenchers happy in a desperate attempt to stay in his job).
It's only right that all legal restrictions are withdrawn. It was a sad day for liberty when the first legislation was imposed because that's not the way a proud society like Britain's should operate. We didn't fight for Magna Carta just so that our leaders could tell us what to do and when. Instead we need to rely on common sense because everyone intrinsically understands the behaviour that's required of us. Our leaders would not have found themselves vilified in the press had their behaviour only gone against common sense rather than laws they themselves had introduced.
It's only right that Britain finally gets back to normal. This means commuting to the office, buying lunch on the high street, dining out in Wetherspoons, booking holidays abroad, cramming back into theatres and generally spending lots of money again because otherwise our economy's going to collapse. The cost of living crisis can only be solved if the general public pays its way rather than expecting taxpayers to prop businesses up.
It's only right to force workers back to their desks where their productivity can be properly monitored. Key workers managed to attend their workplaces throughout the worst months of the pandemic, except when they were sick, so there's no longer any reason for those more fortunate to stay at home. It's also true that most offices have been nigh empty anyway so if everyone comes back the threat of overcrowding is entirely unfounded.
It's only right that face coverings are consigned to the dustbin of history. Nobody ever proved they bestow significant benefits to the wearer and I don't see why I should inconvenience myself for the benefit of others. Indeed I shall be burning mine tonight, not that I've ever worn one, and even when I did I always tucked it under my chin.
It's only right that everything ends now. Technically the withdrawal is in stages between Thursday and the start of April, but now that the genie's out of the bottle everything essentially stops today. Nobody pays any attention to the details, they only hear the headlines, so by rights the pandemic ended on Sunday when the Prime Minister leaked his announcement to the papers. Even the Queen could come out of self-isolation now if she wanted, nobody'd blame her.
It's only right that everyone gets their confidence back. We have to regain pre-pandemic levels of citizen engagement and this is best done by crowding back into confined spaces as we used to do before. The end of public health measures can only nudge the unwilling back into circulation because the alternative is now eternal isolation, and basically everyone's going to catch the virus eventually so they might as well succumb to it sooner than later.
It's only right for England to go it alone. Weak-willed countries like Wales and Scotland might flinch from brave decisions like these but history will show that living joylessly only ends up delivering a death toll that's just as severe. We also need to break down borders by welcoming a flood of rich tourists from abroad, vaccination status irrelevant, as well as sending our own infected citizens on much needed foreign holidays.
It's only right to think of the economy. Share prices and house prices are much higher than before the pandemic began but that's no reason to get complacent and risk losing these hard-earned gains. Our mental wellbeing and the life chances of our children will be much stronger is businesses are more confident, and those with Long Covid will just have to pull themselves together and help pay their way.
It's only right to rely on personal responsibility. We'd all have followed the rules even if they weren't there, just as our leaders did, so will undoubtedly continue to do so now they've gone. Let's hope it won't be long before all other public health matters become an issue of personal responsibility too, so that drink driving regulations, smoking bans and compulsory seatbelts can be consigned to the bonfire of red tape where they belong.
It's only right to draw a line in the sand and move on. Covid was never a danger because it hasn't killed you, you're still here, so it's only the lives of those sadly lost that needed to be protected. What's more Omicron is so weak it's hardly killing anybody, only ten thousand so far this year, so the efforts we've made as a country mustn't be put at risk. With no way of avoiding the virus and no way to know if you have it, you have to agree that's the problem solved.
It's time that we got our confidence back. We don't need laws to compel people to be considerate to others. We can rely on our sense of responsibility towards one another, providing practical advice in the knowledge that people will follow it to avoid infecting loved ones and others. So let's learn to live with this virus and continue protecting ourselves without restricting our freedoms.
