Sometimes we enjoy nothing better than a good moan, especially if someone hasn't done something the way we would have done it. All we need are appropriate targets.
So here are four TfL signs for you to grumble over, or maybe even whip out in the pub tonight if the conversation starts flagging after you've slagged off what everyone's wearing, how the beer's off, the terrible background music and the awful driving you saw on the way here.
These signs are all over the tube network these days at most station entrances as if TfL somehow has a big problem with e-scooters. I won't say I've never seen one on the tube but hardly ever, only generally on pavements where they shouldn't be either, so this poster campaign does feel like major overkill. Obviously you don't want someone e-scooting down a platform because that's really dangerous but that isn't the reason why these posters are everywhere, it's because e-scooters occasionally catch fire. Lithium-ion batteries can be defective, and defective batteries can rupture, and ruptured batteries sometimes catch fire, and fires in confined space on public transport can be very bad... but that is a very unlikely chain of events especially given how few e-scooters there are on the tube in the first place.
And there are even fewer e-unicycles, I mean seriously, I can go weeks without seeing one, so why the hell do they have equal billing on this notice? Also, how bloody stupid does that one-wheeled stickman look? I understand some smartass e-unicyclist could go "oh no this is not an e-scooter therefore I must be allowed to ride it QED", but it does feel like the signwriter is being insufferably over-specific. Also these rules banning e-scooters and e-unicycles were first introduced last December so do we really need all these posters three months later announcing a change all relevant miscreants should have read by now? Tell us something we need to know or shut up.
If you've ever passed through West Ham station you've probably seen these posters denying the existence of toilets. A lot more people pass through the station than exit, which is one reason why so many people would love there to be a toilet except there isn't. The poor staff on the gateline must therefore be pig sick of being asked if there is a toilet, or even where the toilet is, so they've erected this onslaught of notices to say there isn't one... and if you read the smallprint there isn't one outside either.
Their latest wheeze is an exasperated whiteboardful of handwritten text asking you not to ask them to let you out for a wee, a smoke or a trip to the shops because they won't let you. The message is titled "Please read", and "do not ask" has been angrily underlined. Instead they insist you have to tap on the gates, and what they don't mention is that if you tap back in you might be charged double or even a maximum fare because the TfL system is extremely intolerant of nipping out and then back in. I understand there were toilets here when the Jubilee line extension was opened, located just outside the ticket barriers, but they were much too small to cope with current footfall and were closed ages ago to save money anyway.
The most aggressive thing about all these signs is the way they seem to say "Desperate? Well there's nothing here so piss off!" I know it's not the staff's fault the station is toilet-free, but it does grate to see them stood behind a protective shield of signs and barriers while they stand there checking their phones and ignoring passengers. What a sad and uncivilised society we live in when there's no money to help provide comfort for passengers, even at a major interchange, and absolutely no attempt to say sorry.
This is the terminal at Dangleway South, the launchpoint for those seeking unobstructed aerial views of the Silvertown Tunnel construction site. Unusually there are no fares on display at the moment because all the posters that normally tell punters how much a ride costs are covered over. The excuse is "Pricing is currently being updated. Please speak to a member of staff", which is what it says on four separate panels and also on three stickers across the ticket window. This means there's no way of knowing that a single dangle will set you back £5, or £6 if you're contactless-less, nor the price of any of the alternative experience packages unless you queue and ask. I thought there might be details on a small laminated sign in the window but no, that was just a price list for personalised gifts.
What's really bad is that fares changed over a fortnight ago, indeed the new fares have been known for over a month, but still nobody's managed to print something with the updated prices. And what's appalling is that they did print something, they printed seven apologies, whereas they could have printed the headline fares instead. Far be it from me to suggest that this is a devious scam designed to entice ignorant passengers onto an expensive cablecar, and just after fares have risen by 25% too, but at best it's a miserably incompetent way to run a dangleway.
Remember the days when Wembley Park station was a bottleneck, especially after an event, with queues of punters waiting to buy a ticket for their return journeys? No me neither, it's been a while, indeed the ticket office closed in 2015 and Oyster was the default way to make a journey long before that. So it's a bit surprising that this corridor still has signs advising arriving passengers to buy their return ticket now, indeed there are eight consecutive identical overhead panels.
It's by no means the worst signage fail on the network, indeed there's a certain heritage charm in what's only become an anachronistic message in relatively recent years, but once you get into the habit of moaning about unhelpful signs it's all too easy to get carried away. Do keep an eye out for further grumblefodder while you're out travelling, it can really help support a flagging conversation, and unnecessarily elevate your blood pressure too.
