170 things I saw on a five mile walk north across the borough of Kensington & Chelsea
Murky creek, former power station still shrouded by sheeting, sign for Chelsea Wharf masquerading as water feature, falconcam, ten just-watered hanging baskets dripping outside a pub, a constant stream of taxis, 241-part steel sculpture by Will Nash, soft furnishings showroom targeted at bottomless pockets, auction house (because it's Lots Road, geddit), the K&C vehicle pound.10
Electric car making artificially-designated electric car noise, Boeing on final approach, lady feeding treats to her corgi, three dogs playing frisbee, mounted bronze soldier (with pike), ten foot high china vase, Worlds End Health Centre, rock crystal chandelier showroom, Aston Martin seeing what speed it can get away with on a residential street, traffic warden ticketing a Range Rover.20
A bespoke collection of 18 apartments with generous proportions and underground parking, woman returning from the Esso garage with a box of choc chip Weetabix, unshaven man waiting on a bench outside the barbers, a puddle of warm dog wee spreading across the pavement, Zipcar bay, stucco balustrades, cast iron balconywork, display of geraniums on windowsill, badly-parked superjeep, street after street of giant houses painted an identical white colour.30
Gates to basement flats, a stapled list of £1m+ estate agent particulars, housekeeper walking a tiny dog, Waitrose delivery, the Royal Thai Embassy, corner property boarded up awaiting transformation into something oligarch-friendly, iron railings replaced in 1981 after being removed to support the war effort, taxi with Union Jack wing mirrors, almond-shaped private/communal gardens.40
Palatial stuccoed Italianate mansions, Kentish ragstone church with Victorian spire, blue plaque for Jenny Lind, young couple on non-matching hire scooters, young couple sharing hire scooter, a whole street where the house numbers are painted onto pillars either side of the front porch, house undergoing urgent renovation by subsidence/crack-stitching specialists, eyesore casino, behemoth flats, Harrods delivery van.50
Two teenage shoppers heading home from the Reiss sale, the A4, blue plaque for Charles Booth, tropical basement gardens, young woman wearing a facemask just to take the rubbish out, two mounted police officers, flowery mews often used as film location, two grandchildren and their dog posing for photo at entrance to aforementioned mews, late-flowering wisteria, street where the pretty two-storey semis sell for £7m.60
Mini with Union Jack roof, Jag, gossiping locals outside an organic/artisan Danish coffee shop, Michelin restaurant, three girls pouting in a selfie with a red pillarbox, big houses which have never needed to be subdivided into flats, blue plaque for T S Eliot, gallery selling fine art, Dad in pink shirt, hidden wealth which should one day spark a revolution.70
Copious redbrick mansion blocks, five flags in one street allowing passers-by to play 'Guess the Embassy', young couple in tight-fitting sportswear hopping out of a Merc at the lights, entrance to Royal Park, multiple tourists touristing, hotel porter in top hat, phonebox advertising New Swedish Model In Town (house calls or hotel visits), middle-aged blondes enjoying afternoon tea aboard a Routemaster, security guard in cabin, entrance to what's officially London's most expensive street.80
Multiple 'No photography' signs, armed police officer scrutinising passers-by, three-storey Queen Anne piles, embassy displaying Star of David and two Pride banners, gaslit streetlights, Abramovich's pad, yellow taxi, ambassadorial cars with numberplates ROM 1 and IND 1 respectively, gateposts labelled In and Out, gateposts topped by eagles.90
(no photograph)
24 kmh speed limit signs, hallway ablaze with chandeliers, statue of Queen Maud, transition to Italianate mansions, diplomatic plates, burgeoning desire to take lots of photos, arrow pointing to consular office where you apply for a Nepalese visa, one empty boarded-up property (would suit billionaire or up-and-coming nation), security guard lifting barrier for van with Czech numberplates, security guard jotting down details of Czech van on blue clipboard.100
The cafe that worships Princess Diana, Oxford Tube, boy clutching wooden kit for making model F-15 bomber under his arm, Notting Hill Kebab, Big Issue seller selling Big Issue with cover photo of Prince William selling the Big Issue, much the same big houses as before but noticeably shabbier with peeling paint, garden for keyholders only, student accommodation, Hotpoint engineer on call, highly ill-advised leopardprint fedora.110
Friends roaming on hire bikes, BMW on charge, pathology lab, Victorian water fountain, late Elizabethan public conveniences, a dedicated space for all things interior design (opening soon), shoppers retreating from Portobello Market clutching pre-loved purchases, man wearing Superman baseball cap who plainly isn't Superman, woman whose Saturday treat is an individually boxed Crosstown doughnut, bright red seat on balcony in shape of balloon dog.120
Woman returning from deli with salad poking out of top of brown paper bag, cycleway C44, Roman Catholic church in Gothic revival style, last night's drinks piled on top of litterbin, stone cat, first sight of actual council housing, carpet shop claiming to 'put the floor in flawless', terrace with spectrum of pastel-coloured frontage, People's Sound record shop (Carnival sound system No. 27), luxury bathroom showroom offering wellness options and home spas.130
Conscience Kitchen, alfresco dining on little raised platforms in the street, pub menu kicking off with 'mince on toast', finally a park you don't need a key to enter, 1970s lowrise housing solutions, balcony bedecked with windmills and kitsch statues of buddhas and parrots, bright green Grenfell banner, stencilled/graffitied footbridge, the Hammersmith & City line, dozens of community minibuses parked under the Westway.140
Youth centre, concrete undercroft where hip parents send their kids for skateboarding, three blokes enjoying a backyard beer, 'Found cat' poster, locked door to council cleaner's storeroom, street of homes sporting individual satellite dishes, bin cupboards, locked bike with a front basketful of discarded bottles, Portuguese patisserie, Palestinian cafe.150
Skateboard shop holding closing down sale, railway bridge, billposted ads for Foals and Queercircle, Trellick Tower, beardy Trellick-seeker clutching serious camera, Kensal Library (closed for lunch), the Trellick Lounge cafe (Internet! Pool Tables!), vintage clothing outlet, a wall of council flats featuring three blue-rimmed portholes, a single brown towel flapping on a washing line.160
Sturdily reinforced front door, Emslie Horniman's Pleasance, delivery mopeds with L-plates, tracksuits, dreadlocks, gym promising application of motivational goals, new social housing under construction (as far away from the posh bit of the borough as possible), footbridge spiralling up and over the Grand Union towpath, a roofful of pigeons, shady ducklings.170
