Trinity term 1986: President of the Oxford Union
I did not vote for Boris Johnson to be President of the Oxford Union. He won anyway. Ridiculously I could have been part of the electorate because I was in almost the right place at exactly the right time - we both started at Oxford in the autumn of 1983. In our first week the Oxford Union threw open its doors for a taster debate to tempt us to join and some of my 'first week only' friends duly dragged me along. The motion under discussion was "The end of sex is desirable", which was apt because Cecil Parkinson had resigned earlier that day for fathering his secretary's child, and the promised guest speakers were Tracey Ullman and Mary Whitehouse. Alas neither of them turned up and I ended up squished on the balcony listening to eight less enthralling speakers, who for all I know might now be members of the Cabinet. I wasn't tempted to stump up the cash to join a stuffy debating society but Boris plainly was because he got elected President of the whole shebang eight terms later. That was the first time I didn't vote for Boris Johnson.
1st May 1997: MP for Clwyd South
I did not vote for Boris Johnson to be MP for Clwyd South. I wasn't living in Llangollen at the time, let alone Wales, but that's where Boris first tried his luck in Parliament. He'd originally hoped to be Conservative candidate for Holborn and St Pancras, because that's much more his kind of manor, but they wouldn't have him and the party selected him for Clwyd South instead. It was a rock solid Labour seat so more an apprenticeship in campaigning than a serious opportunity for office, but he still polled a quarter of the votes against the onslaught of Tony Blair's first landslide. That was the second time I didn't vote for Boris Johnson.
7th June 2001: MP for Henley 5th May 2005: MP for Henley
I did not vote for Boris Johnson to be MP for Henley. I lived a little closer this time but no way could I have afforded a house in this idyllic regatta-tastic town, nor could I have done my job there. Boris stepped in as a replacement for the maverick Michael Heseltine who'd just retired from Parliament, and who 18 years later would urge the electorate not to vote for his "utterly disastrous" successor. At his first attempt Boris rocketed into the Commons with 46% of the vote, and four years later was re-elected with an even better 53%. Those were the third and fourth times I didn't vote for Boris Johnson.
1st May 2008: Mayor of London
I did not vote for Boris Johnson to be Mayor of London. I could have done, I held my pencil over a ballot paper with his name on it but couldn't be drawn to gift him my X. I see from my blogposts at the time that I compared him to Toad of Toad Hall and described him as a celebrity right wing tosser, because I'd already seen through his facade of bumbling incompetent bluster. Instead I had the option of voting for Ken Livingstone or even Brian Paddick, either of whom I'd have deemed preferable to the dangerous blond narcissist, but the people of London thought differently and elevated him to the mayorship of Europe's largest city. Imagine how much of what followed might have been avoided if outer London's voters had kicked Boris out on his arse before he got established. That was the first time I specifically didn't vote for Boris Johnson.
3rd May 2012: Mayor of London
I did not vote for Boris Johnson to be Mayor of London again. I was wise to his ridiculous plans for the capital by now, which included scrapping useful transport projects and introducing useless expensive boondoggles purely for the approval of those who'd hardly use them. Also it was about to be the Olympics which his predecessor had won for the capital and who could have returned to the mayoralty just in time to take the credit. But no, the wider electorate admired the chutzpah of the incumbent because "he's a laugh, isn't he?", and so this slimy self-interested caricature took another key step on his journey towards conquering the country. That was the second time I specifically didn't vote for Boris Johnson.
7th May 2015: MP for Uxbridge and South Ruislip
I did not vote for Boris Johnson to be MP for Uxbridge, mainly because I didn't live there. I also thought opting to stand for Parliament while you were still Mayor of London was an appallingly selfish act of self-advancement, not to mention symbolic of how little work Boris was personally doing while spinning all his plates. The people of north Hillingdon instead swept him back to Westminster with a majority of the votes cast, ensuring he was ideally placed to grab the role of Foreign Secretary barely a year later. Boris had originally promised not to job share in this way but once the right safe seat emerged reneged on that and climbed the greasy pole anyway. All the clues were there, they always have been. That was the seventh time I didn't vote for Boris Johnson.
23rd June 2016: Vote Leave
I did not vote to leave the European Union. I wouldn't have done anyway, but I definitely didn't when slippery Boris took the helm. He'd previously said that leaving the EU would be economic suicide but changed his mind once he realised it could advance his career, then slapped lies on buses and promised the earth to a disillusioned public. And whilst leaving the EU was a perfectly valid and well-reasoned choice for many, it was Boris's grinning charisma that convinced the crucial 2% who simply yearned for change. And so the UK tipped over into an alternative future solely because one man realised that being convincing was more important than being right. That was the third time I specifically didn't vote for Boris Johnson.
8th June 2017: MP for Uxbridge and South Ruislip
I did not vote for Boris Johnson to be MP for Uxbridge again. A lot of people didn't because his majority was halved, but he still breezed back into the Commons as the Corbyn juggernaut hit the buffers. He was therefore perfectly poised when Theresa May's version of Brexit failed to convince and strategically resigned so that he could barrack from the backbenches. That was the ninth time I didn't vote for Boris Johnson.
23rd July 2019: Leader of the Conservative Party
I did not vote for Boris Johnson to be leader of the Conservative Party. I could have done had I embraced membership of the party, indeed there'd been nothing stopping anyone signing up strategically and deliberately voting for Jeremy Hunt instead. It is faintly ridiculous that the choice of our nation's leader is gifted to a small number of blue-rinsed and grey-haired obsessives, and indeed is about to be again as we await discovery of Boris's successor. In this case just under a hundred thousand of Middle England's finest gave him the nod and hey presto, he was down at the palace within hours. That was the tenth time I didn't vote for Boris Johnson.
12th December 2019: Prime Minister of the United Kingdom
I did not vote for Boris Johnson to be Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. I live in Tower Hamlets so we're never likely to return a Tory MP, but other longstanding Labour constituencies tumbled like a pack of cards and the Red Wall duly fell. They didn't mind that he'd lied to Parliament and tried to prorogue it when it wouldn't do what he intended, they just wanted to 'Get Brexit Done' without necessarily understanding what that meant. Boris must have thought he was home and dry with his 80+ majority and cobbled deal, but his imperial dreams died with the onset of a pandemic that occupied his intended leisure time and exposed a slippery realm of shameless lies. Who'd have guessed that a man with few morals would be unable to astutely judge the integrity of others... other than all those of us who correctly deduced his unsuitability for office far earlier in his career. That was the last time I didn't vote for Boris Johnson. I never have, and now thankfully I never will.
