Hello, we're the Army and we've been called in today to take over the Diamond Geezer blog.
It wouldn't be right to deprive the capital of its daily fix of London bloggage, even if the original author is taking unwarranted strike action, so we'll be doing our best to bring you whatever it is he normally does.
Stand Ready.
423: Hatton Cross to Beavers Lane Location: London southwest Length of journey: 1.5 miles, 7 minutes
If you're billeted at Cavalry Barracks in Hounslow you're going to want to take the bus. The double decker 423 is your friend, shuttling as it does between Heathrow Terminal 5 and Hounslow Bus Station, but only a dweeb rides the full route. Instead grab the tube to Hatton Cross and wait in that miserable windswept bus station for a 423 to turn up which it eventually will. Then endure the lengthy twiddle on the way out where there might be a big swooshing plane to watch coming in to land, but that's the Royal Air Force's domain so the average squaddie doesn't care. Now is a good time to open your army rations if you want to have them finished by the time you reach the barracks.
Look here we are on the A30, a major trunk road which starts at Land's End and ends just up the road but we're not going that far. The A30 has already passed all sorts of key army locations including Sandhurst Military College, Salisbury Plain and Porton Down, but we're not going that far either. Instead we pass a big lake that doesn't have a name on Google Maps so clearly doesn't have a name at all, but that's the Royal Navy's domain so we don't care about that either. We leave the Great South West Road just before the roundabout where all the other buses are going, and then skirt round two sides of Chester Road Park. It's a great place for press-ups and other fitness training (but only in your own time).
Insert photo of 423 bus
We don't have one of those, sorry.
We assumed bloggers just borrowed one off the internet but it seems that's not the done thing. Not even the MoD image archive has a photo of a 423 bus, sorry, but you know what one looks like, it's just a red bus with 423 on the front for heaven's sake.
Green Lane is no longer either green or a lane, but it does contain the shooting range for the Heston and Hounslow Rifle Club so it's not all bad. It's time to thread round a lot of large sheds shielding dull logistical activities related to airline operations at Heathrow Airport, but what do you expect when you're directly underneath the noisy bit of the flight path? The 423 diverts specifically around the BA Distribution Centre and let's be frank, this suburb is neither a pretty nor a desirable place to live. No doubt that's why the barracks is here, unless that's a longstanding historical connection to Hounslow Heath we don't have time to properly research.
For the Fusiliers Block you want the Beavers Crescent bus stop and for the Irish Guards Block you want the Cavalry Barracks bus stop, or you would if only the Barracks were still open. Instead the entire garrison was closed in June last year and is currently being levelled by Hounslow Council, doing a job not even the Germans or Russkies previously managed. Ultimately there'll be 1600 sustainable flats on the site, because of course there will, and as many as ten locally-listed buildings are being demolished to make way. So our apologies, no soldiers are billeted at Cavalry Barracks any more so nobody's ever going to want to take the bus, but we write from what we know and some of us used to catch that 423 all the time.
The diamond geezer blog has previously visited these excellent army museums and you should definitely go, mainly because it saves us writing a review ourselves.
Which tube station is closest to The Changing Of The Guard?
On the face of it this is a simple question, we just need to find the closest tube station to the front of Buckingham Palace. It's not Green Park or St James's Park, they're both 570m distant, it's Victoria at 530m, so Victoria wins. But you can't walk in a straight line from the tube stations to the south, so it turns out St James's Park and Victoria are both 700m away which means Green Park at 570m wins.
But this world-renowned ceremony in fact involves soldiers in hats shuffling between three key locations, not just Buckingham Palace but also St James's Palace and Wellington Barracks. It turns out Green Park is only 350m from St James's Palace and St James's Park is barely 80m from Wellington Barracks so there's our new winner. But you can only see Changing The Guard from the front of St James's Palace or Wellington Barracks and getting there takes longer. The front of St James's Palace is at best 600m from Green Park but the front of Wellington Barracks is only 400m from St James's Park so St James's Park is ultimately victorious.
Insert photo of Changing The Guard
We don't have one of those, sorry.
No soldiers would ever waste their time watching a poncey bit of tourist ceremonial, indeed we suspect hardly any Londoners have a photo either, plus the Google Streetview car didn't go past at the right moment.
Of course the Changing The Guard also takes place on the roads inbetween these three locations so maybe one of these is closer, but I'll save you worrying and tell you no, nothing can beat the 400m from St James's Park to Wellington Barracks. We haven't walked any of these to check, we're army personnel not a geezer with too much time on his hands, but our Signals Division tell us it all looks terribly plausible on a map. In real life, obviously, any of the three tube stations will do depending on where you're starting your journey from, but it's reassuring to know that St James's Park is officially the best.
Let's have an ARMY quiz!
These are all clues to words made from the letters A, R, M and Y.
How many can you guess?
6) laser fish? 7) Winehouse 8) male sheep 9) ground force 10) divine mother
11) Egyptian god 12) African tuber 13) Scottish town 14) belonging to me 15) indefinite article
Answers in this special comments box: comments
And just one guess each, thanks.
We were down at Woolwich Barracks the other day and we saw what many media platforms would describe as the most unique roadsign in London. Here it is.
That is amazing. Not the fact that Repository Road is written on the tarmac, that's because we nicked this image from Google Streetview. Instead it's the exclamation sign that says 'Soldiers Marching', which has always made us chuckle because we've never once seen anybody doing it. Also there's only one sign in a southerly direction, there isn't a matching sign if you drive north, so it genuinely is the most unique sign you can possibly imagine.
That should be enough Army content to keep the readers happy. We've managed to include a bus ride, an obscure suburb, something that's going to be flats, retrospective linkage, three tube stations, dubious map measurements, a quiz and an intriguing road sign, so that's all bases covered.
And if he ever dares strike again rest assured we'll be back with more subliminal recruitment musings.
