diamond geezer

 Saturday, January 21, 2023

London's museums and galleries are world class, inspiring and brilliant. Most are also free but that doesn't necessarily mean they're simple to get into.

Yesterday I went to seven of the biggest to see how much of a faff it was. To keep things simple I didn't take a bag with me, I just swanned up to the main entrance and attempted to walk inside. It being a Friday in January there were no queues, so any delays were solely the choice of the institution concerned.

I'm pleased to say that two of the seven were entirely unfaffy... I walked straight in unchallenged and enjoyed what lay beyond.

Unfaffy
» Tate Modern
» Victoria and Albert Museum

My congratulations to Tate Modern and the V&A for letting visitors just walk inside. This is a particular triumph for Tate Modern because in autumn 2021 the faffiness of their late-covid entrance procedures frustrated me to the point of almost bursting into tears.

Let's count down the remaining five in order of increasing faffiness as I bring you...

London's Faffiest Museums

5) Imperial War Museum
I nearly got away with this one. I walked up the main steps and although an attendant was on duty beside the second set of doors I had clear blue water between me and the museum entrance. But then a voice called out from the ticket desk as another member of staff asked "Have you been here before?" I didn't say dozens of times, I just said yes, and then she slipped in her next scripted question... "Are you interested in donating £5?" A fair enough request, and there were indeed devices for fixed-price donations lined up by the door, but I declined. This was only a few seconds of diversion so not especially faffy, and that's why the IWM comes in fifth.
I enjoyed the new-ish Second World War Galleries, technically my second time round but it's so much better when there isn't a large school party going round too.



4) Natural History Museum
This wasn't too terrible but they don't let you walk straight in, they've set up a chicane just inside the main entrance. This is ostensibly for bag checking purposes but towards the end includes a separate chicane designed to funnel you past the contactless donation terminals. They have a fivepounder and a tenpounder, you can't miss them. What's more two members of staff were positioned to either side yesterday, eagerly exhorting visitors to cough up with a heartfelt "any donations will be gratefully received". I didn't see a single person tap anything as they walked past, but the spiel must work if it's worth devoting two waged employees solely to schmoozing for cash.
In the Vault at the back of the Minerals gallery I admired a 103g chunk of the Winchcombe meteorite, the pre-prehistoric space rock that crashlanded onto a Gloucestershire driveway a couple of years ago.

3) The National Gallery
This is the museum that takes security most seriously. Everybody who enters has to walk through a detector arch, awaiting their turn while the lights change from red to green and the guard ushers them through. It's never made explicit what's being detected but given recent canvas-based vandalism you'd hope it spots knives, glue and soup. Once my scrutiny was complete I was invited to head straight for the revolving doors - "Come this way please, you don't have any bag" - and I can't imagine how dispiriting it must be to spend your entire working day saying that.
In Room 12 is a portrait of a beardy 16th century Italian who looks so contemporary (other than the ermine and the feathered hat) that you could well imagine him brooding over a macchiato in Marylebone.



2) British Museum
It used to be so easy to nip into the British Museum but that was before they set up the security slalom in the courtyard. By the main gate it divides in three hierarchical channels, one for 'Exhibition ticket holders', one for 'Timed tickets only' and one for 'Non-tickets', whatever non-tickets are. It takes about a minute to walk up to the bag check hut, with no advantage whatsoever for those with timed tickets if there are no queues. Guards wait at little desks entitled Please wait to be called forward which makes it look like you have to stop, except this is where an attendant announced "Guys come this way please, if you have no bags no need to queue". It's very tempting at this point to call back "so why did you drag me all this way so I could ignore an entirely unnecessary process?", but probably unwise. Five staffed donation booths lie ahead, but again are easily snubbed so you can simply head back to the main steps instead. Not only is this full-on unnecessary faff, it looks and feels like a tatty temporary solution the British Museum threw together years ago and have never got round to making permanent.
Even though the Queen opened the China & South Asia galleries in 2017 I'd somehow not stumbled upon them before, and not only were they fascinating but also huge and this is why it pays to keep exploring.

1) Science Museum
London's faffiest museum, without a shadow of a doubt, is the Science Museum. Not only do they want you to pre-book a free ticket, they're fully intent on making you do that even if you walk up to the entrance and the place is empty. Admittedly if you look at their website in advance they do warn "Please note you will need to pre-book a free ticket", but nobody who's been used to just turning up for years would expect such a thing. I think they introduced this system during the pandemic, and I think this because there's still a prominent banner outside the main entrance saying "To help keep everyone safe we're limiting the number of people who can visit each day" and "Please follow Government guidelines on how to keep yourself and others safe" and "If you think you may have COVID-19 symptoms go home and self-isolate". At a museum dedicated to the noble art of science, such woefully out-of-date guidance is piss poor.

This time the entrance is divided into two pathways, one for the compliant and one for the anarchists. The former get to head to a special terminal and scan themselves in and the latter prepare to suffer. Once inside I was asked "Can your phone access QR codes?" and I could see what was coming so I said no, which was a lie but I had no intention of cooperating with their processes. Instead they directed me to a separate desk where a lone member of staff was sitting at a terminal ready to pre-book my ticket. I was really glad there was no queue given how long a single transaction was about to take.

She asked for my name so I made one up and she said oh good that's nice and easy to spell, they're often a lot more complicated than that. Next she asked for my email address and I pretended I didn't have one, which we both knew was a lie but I had no intention of receiving Science Museum marketing spam. She then tapped away at her terminal for at least half a minute, maybe more, and I wondered what kind of ridiculous process required all this additional data entry just to issue a free ticket. Eventually she printed it out and gave it to me, and it included a customer number, an order number, a ticket number and a barcode plus a separate rippy-off section which nobody would ever rip off. On a previous visit I'd then been asked to scan myself in, but on this occasion I was simply directed straight through the barriers making the entire ticketing charade irrelevant.

I can confirm that this Dalek isn't there to exterminate those who fail to donate.



When I got home I checked out the pre-booking system I hadn't used, but which I'd have been expected to use if I'd said my phone was QR-enabled. The number of steps required was insane, especially given this was for a free ticket. First you have to pick a date and book a timeslot. Not a single Friday slot was sold out, indeed only the first slot on Saturday is so far unavailable suggesting the entire procedure is fundamentally pointless. If you pick a timeslot which expires before you reach the checkout they kick you out and you have to start again. Next you select how many tickets you want, ideally ignoring the three "with donation" options at the head of the list and the exhibition upselling which follows.

When you're ready to check out your shopping basket (total £0.00) oh god, they now want you to log in or create an account. It is possible to checkout without registering but they still insist on asking for contact information (three required fields) and a billing address (four more), even though they have no intention of charging you anything. You also have to tick a box to say you're not a robot, but I guess at a Science Museum they can't be too careful. Next they urge you to add a donation, and finally you get through to a confirmation page where it turns out they didn't need to email you a ticket because the QR code you need is right there. And this is on the eighth screen since the beginning of the process, a protracted palaver they were hoping you'd complete in the foyer on your phone. The faff levels here are off the scale.
I had a nice walk round, thanks, making sure to tick off the Apollo 10 command module, the 2LO transmitter and Boris's Covid-19 lectern sign.

No London museum is faffier than the Science Museum. This is not a proud boast, this is deliberate systematic madness, and I hope they see sense and defaff their procedures some day soon.


<< click for Newer posts

click for Older Posts >>


click to return to the main page


...or read more in my monthly archives
Jan24  Feb24  Mar24
Jan23  Feb23  Mar23  Apr23  May23  Jun23  Jul23  Aug23  Sep23  Oct23  Nov23  Dec23
Jan22  Feb22  Mar22  Apr22  May22  Jun22  Jul22  Aug22  Sep22  Oct22  Nov22  Dec22
Jan21  Feb21  Mar21  Apr21  May21  Jun21  Jul21  Aug21  Sep21  Oct21  Nov21  Dec21
Jan20  Feb20  Mar20  Apr20  May20  Jun20  Jul20  Aug20  Sep20  Oct20  Nov20  Dec20
Jan19  Feb19  Mar19  Apr19  May19  Jun19  Jul19  Aug19  Sep19  Oct19  Nov19  Dec19
Jan18  Feb18  Mar18  Apr18  May18  Jun18  Jul18  Aug18  Sep18  Oct18  Nov18  Dec18
Jan17  Feb17  Mar17  Apr17  May17  Jun17  Jul17  Aug17  Sep17  Oct17  Nov17  Dec17
Jan16  Feb16  Mar16  Apr16  May16  Jun16  Jul16  Aug16  Sep16  Oct16  Nov16  Dec16
Jan15  Feb15  Mar15  Apr15  May15  Jun15  Jul15  Aug15  Sep15  Oct15  Nov15  Dec15
Jan14  Feb14  Mar14  Apr14  May14  Jun14  Jul14  Aug14  Sep14  Oct14  Nov14  Dec14
Jan13  Feb13  Mar13  Apr13  May13  Jun13  Jul13  Aug13  Sep13  Oct13  Nov13  Dec13
Jan12  Feb12  Mar12  Apr12  May12  Jun12  Jul12  Aug12  Sep12  Oct12  Nov12  Dec12
Jan11  Feb11  Mar11  Apr11  May11  Jun11  Jul11  Aug11  Sep11  Oct11  Nov11  Dec11
Jan10  Feb10  Mar10  Apr10  May10  Jun10  Jul10  Aug10  Sep10  Oct10  Nov10  Dec10 
Jan09  Feb09  Mar09  Apr09  May09  Jun09  Jul09  Aug09  Sep09  Oct09  Nov09  Dec09
Jan08  Feb08  Mar08  Apr08  May08  Jun08  Jul08  Aug08  Sep08  Oct08  Nov08  Dec08
Jan07  Feb07  Mar07  Apr07  May07  Jun07  Jul07  Aug07  Sep07  Oct07  Nov07  Dec07
Jan06  Feb06  Mar06  Apr06  May06  Jun06  Jul06  Aug06  Sep06  Oct06  Nov06  Dec06
Jan05  Feb05  Mar05  Apr05  May05  Jun05  Jul05  Aug05  Sep05  Oct05  Nov05  Dec05
Jan04  Feb04  Mar04  Apr04  May04  Jun04  Jul04  Aug04  Sep04  Oct04  Nov04  Dec04
Jan03  Feb03  Mar03  Apr03  May03  Jun03  Jul03  Aug03  Sep03  Oct03  Nov03  Dec03
 Jan02  Feb02  Mar02  Apr02  May02  Jun02  Jul02 Aug02  Sep02  Oct02  Nov02  Dec02 

jack of diamonds
Life viewed from London E3

» email me
» follow me on twitter
» follow the blog on Twitter
» follow the blog on RSS

» my flickr photostream

twenty blogs
our bow
arseblog
ian visits
londonist
broken tv
blue witch
on london
the great wen
edith's streets
spitalfields life
linkmachinego
round the island
wanstead meteo
christopher fowler
the greenwich wire
bus and train user
ruth's coastal walk
round the rails we go
london reconnections
from the murky depths

quick reference features
Things to do in Outer London
Things to do outside London
Inner London toilet map
20 years of blog series
The DG Tour of Britain
London's most...

read the archive
Mar24  Feb24  Jan24
Dec23  Nov23  Oct23  Sep23
Aug23  Jul23  Jun23  May23
Apr23  Mar23  Feb23  Jan23
Dec22  Nov22  Oct22  Sep22
Aug22  Jul22  Jun22  May22
Apr22  Mar22  Feb22  Jan22
Dec21  Nov21  Oct21  Sep21
Aug21  Jul21  Jun21  May21
Apr21  Mar21  Feb21  Jan21
Dec20  Nov20  Oct20  Sep20
Aug20  Jul20  Jun20  May20
Apr20  Mar20  Feb20  Jan20
Dec19  Nov19  Oct19  Sep19
Aug19  Jul19  Jun19  May19
Apr19  Mar19  Feb19  Jan19
Dec18  Nov18  Oct18  Sep18
Aug18  Jul18  Jun18  May18
Apr18  Mar18  Feb18  Jan18
Dec17  Nov17  Oct17  Sep17
Aug17  Jul17  Jun17  May17
Apr17  Mar17  Feb17  Jan17
Dec16  Nov16  Oct16  Sep16
Aug16  Jul16  Jun16  May16
Apr16  Mar16  Feb16  Jan16
Dec15  Nov15  Oct15  Sep15
Aug15  Jul15  Jun15  May15
Apr15  Mar15  Feb15  Jan15
Dec14  Nov14  Oct14  Sep14
Aug14  Jul14  Jun14  May14
Apr14  Mar14  Feb14  Jan14
Dec13  Nov13  Oct13  Sep13
Aug13  Jul13  Jun13  May13
Apr13  Mar13  Feb13  Jan13
Dec12  Nov12  Oct12  Sep12
Aug12  Jul12  Jun12  May12
Apr12  Mar12  Feb12  Jan12
Dec11  Nov11  Oct11  Sep11
Aug11  Jul11  Jun11  May11
Apr11  Mar11  Feb11  Jan11
Dec10  Nov10  Oct10  Sep10
Aug10  Jul10  Jun10  May10
Apr10  Mar10  Feb10  Jan10
Dec09  Nov09  Oct09  Sep09
Aug09  Jul09  Jun09  May09
Apr09  Mar09  Feb09  Jan09
Dec08  Nov08  Oct08  Sep08
Aug08  Jul08  Jun08  May08
Apr08  Mar08  Feb08  Jan08
Dec07  Nov07  Oct07  Sep07
Aug07  Jul07  Jun07  May07
Apr07  Mar07  Feb07  Jan07
Dec06  Nov06  Oct06  Sep06
Aug06  Jul06  Jun06  May06
Apr06  Mar06  Feb06  Jan06
Dec05  Nov05  Oct05  Sep05
Aug05  Jul05  Jun05  May05
Apr05  Mar05  Feb05  Jan05
Dec04  Nov04  Oct04  Sep04
Aug04  Jul04  Jun04  May04
Apr04  Mar04  Feb04  Jan04
Dec03  Nov03  Oct03  Sep03
Aug03  Jul03  Jun03  May03
Apr03  Mar03  Feb03  Jan03
Dec02  Nov02  Oct02  Sep02
back to main page

the diamond geezer index
2023 2022
2021 2020 2019 2018 2017
2016 2015 2014 2013 2012
2011 2010 2009 2008 2007
2006 2005 2004 2003 2002

my special London features
a-z of london museums
E3 - local history month
greenwich meridian (N)
greenwich meridian (S)
the real eastenders
london's lost rivers
olympic park 2007
great british roads
oranges & lemons
random boroughs
bow road station
high street 2012
river westbourne
trafalgar square
capital numbers
east london line
lea valley walk
olympics 2005
regent's canal
square routes
silver jubilee
unlost rivers
cube routes
Herbert Dip
metro-land
capital ring
river fleet
piccadilly
bakerloo

ten of my favourite posts
the seven ages of blog
my new Z470xi mobile
five equations of blog
the dome of doom
chemical attraction
quality & risk
london 2102
single life
boredom
april fool

ten sets of lovely photos
my "most interesting" photos
london 2012 olympic zone
harris and the hebrides
betjeman's metro-land
marking the meridian
tracing the river fleet
london's lost rivers
inside the gherkin
seven sisters
iceland

just surfed in?
here's where to find...
diamond geezers
flash mob #1  #2  #3  #4
ben schott's miscellany
london underground
watch with mother
cigarette warnings
digital time delay
wheelie suitcases
war of the worlds
transit of venus
top of the pops
old buckenham
ladybird books
acorn antiques
digital watches
outer hebrides
olympics 2012
school dinners
pet shop boys
west wycombe
bletchley park
george orwell
big breakfast
clapton pond
san francisco
thunderbirds
routemaster
children's tv
east enders
trunk roads
amsterdam
little britain
credit cards
jury service
big brother
jubilee line
number 1s
titan arum
typewriters
doctor who
coronation
comments
blue peter
matchgirls
hurricanes
buzzwords
brookside
monopoly
peter pan
starbucks
feng shui
leap year
manbags
bbc three
vision on
piccadilly
meridian
concorde
wembley
islington
ID cards
bedtime
freeview
beckton
blogads
eclipses
letraset
arsenal
sitcoms
gherkin
calories
everest
muffins
sudoku
camilla
london
ceefax
robbie
becks
dome
BBC2
paris
lotto
118
itv