It's been a while since I liveblogged the BritAwards. Here's my time-delayed summary of the first ever Saturday night ceremony, confirming you missed very little.
9.04 Having an award combining Pop and R&B encapsulates everything that's wrong with current pop. Harry Styles seems chuffed to have won. So far only two buttons of his shirt are open but that'll increase later. 9.08 Mo accidentally introduces Lewis Capaldi as Sam Capaldi, or maybe that was deliberate to distract from his forgettable performance. 9.13 There are five contenders for New Artist and I have heard of 60% of them. Wow it's Wet Leg, which may be the first time in years a 6Music-friendly artist has won anything. The group are dressed like it's 1975 and look giddily embarrassed. 9.16 Flo have come dressed as different cuts from a brown leather three-piece suite. The Rising Star award they won is barely an afterthought. 9.23 It's the controversial Artist award, which in an attempt to be gender-non-specific has shortlisted only males. Oh it's Harry Styles again, which at least is as genderfluid as the nominations got. Tactfully Harry dedicates his award to five unnominated female acts. 9.26 Lizzo has come dressed as a pink furry bidet. Her voice is even bigger than her costume. She performs a medley of songs from her latest album, or so she says.
9.31 Sam Ryder is both blindingly upbeat and eloquently thankful - he is such a good ambassador for music. 9.38International Group goes to rockers Fontaines DC, most of whom have the sense to be on tour in Australia but sadly the dull one stayed behind to collect the statuette. 9.43 Blimey, Group also goes to Wet Leg so they're now tying with Harry Styles. They get the first [audio muted] of the night, delivered with a knowing smirk. 9.51International Song is the first shortlist where I recognise none of the entries, despite there being nine songs on it, because I am 57. 9.55 As for Alternative/Rock, the Absolute Radio vote goes to The 1975 (who are dressed like it's either 1935 or 2025). 9.59 Nobody wants to hear Ronan Kemp's David Attenborough impersonation, nobody.
10.00 Instead of the massive choreographed opera of recent years, Stormzy chooses to perform a low-key laid back orchestral number. 10.10 They've got Shania Twain to present the award for Song Of The Year, which can only mean she has an album out. Obviously it goes to Harry Styles, because only he still has his finger on the cross-generational button. 10.15 Cat Burns performs, i.e. artfully warbles, backed by a harpist and assorted orchestra. 10.18 Fatboy Slim is wheeled on for the Producer award so he can give it to his friend David Guetta. Mutual backslapping ensues. 10.21 I very much hope that's the last limp at-table attempted interview. 10.28 Sam Smith has been gifted the massive choreographed opera slot this year with a Mad Max gasoline-fuelled crotch-grabbing epic. The song, however, is forgettable.
10.32 'Technical issues' force a recorded repeat of last year's Adele singalong. It goes on a bit. 10.37 Still filling. Desperately filling. Something behind the scenes must be well buggered. 10.40 Finally the final award which is for Album. And the winner is... obviously Harry Styles. A lot of tattooed chest is showing now. Nobody knows when to stop talking. 10.46 David Guetta closes the show with a cast of top singers, a lot of dry ice and writhing rubber hordes. Miming being a DJ seems especially pointless. And we're done, just 10 minutes over time but 10 minutes too many.
