Some instructions are unhelpfully brief, even impractically illogical.
Here are four examples I've seen around London this week.
This is the northbound platform at Deptford Bridge DLR station.
It's on the 'Alarm' pillar where the fire alarm, passenger alarm, emergency train stop and staff telephone are located. And underneath in big blue letters it says "Do not take any risks". They do not mean this.
Everyone takes risks every day, it's impossible not to. Every time I leave my flat I risk having a nasty accident on the stairs, being assaulted by a passer-by, being accidentally mown down by a rogue vehicle, inhaling microparticulates that cumulatively affect my breathing, becoming embroiled in an argument that spills over into violence, developing skin cancer from direct sunlight, tripping over a damaged paving slab and innumerable other lesser risks. If I decided not to take any risks I would have to stay indoors, indeed even that is an inherently risky environment and essentially the only way to live risk-free is to be already dead.
We are perhaps meant to infer from the context of the pillar that no risks should be taken in an emergency situation. Don't career down the stairs in the event of fire, don't jump down onto the tracks to rescue a fallen item and don't attempt to intervene if a nasty platform brawl breaks out. But it doesn't say that, it says "Do not take any risks", because with oversimplification comes unnecessary over-restrictive ambiguity.
This is the pedestrian crossing between the two Shepherd's Bush stations.
You're supposed to cross it in one go, waiting patiently for the lights to bring both sides to a halt, although the central refuge makes it tempting to nip halfway if nothing's coming. Pretty much the only traffic here is buses and they're quite easy to spot, not to mention generally well spaced, so crossing on red is frequently safe as houses. But it's all too easy for pedestrians to get over-confident and even one injury is one too many when your target is zero, so on the post they've written "Only cross with GREEN figure". They do not mean this.
For the avoidance of doubt, the only word I'm objecting to here is "Only". If they'd said "Please cross with GREEN figure" or even "Cross with GREEN figure" I'd not have rankled, But that fingerwagging word "only" steps beyond the realms of advice into nannying expectation, almost as if this were Denmark or America where jaywalking is illegal. But the UK doesn't operate like that, we're free to cross half an empty road if we deem it safe, we don't have to wait until a green figure permits it.
You might instead be objecting to the word 'figure' on the basis it's not a green figure, it's a green man. Well, let me tell you that the Daily Mail beat you to that twelve years ago describing green figures as "bizarrely politically correct". Also let me point out that the Highway Code doesn't call them green men any more, they are indeed green figures, as explicitly stated in rules 21-28. Also note that this is already a politically correct crossing, those stripes on the road being the transgender end of the LGBTQIA+ pride flag, so best leave whingeing about the word 'figure' well alone.
This is a door underneath the Centrale shopping centre in Croydon.
It's from a public stairwell into a private area with a tiny camera in the wall alongside. And on the door is a notice with the classic message "This door is locked at all times". They do not mean this.
The door is not locked at all times, that would be silly. It's a door for heaven's sake, you're supposed to be able to walk though it otherwise it would be a wall. Evidence for it opening occasionally includes the keyhole, the door-closer at the top and most importantly the additional message "Please use intercom". There's an expectation here that using the intercom might ultimately lead to the door opening, otherwise why say it, indeed this must be how centre staff gain access. By all means try to deter passing shoppers from trying to get in, indeed I can only imagine how annoying it'd be to hear the door rattling all day otherwise. But don't tell us it's locked at all times because it isn't.
The other classic of this genre is of course the announcement "Please stand behind the yellow line at all times". That's ridiculous because if you never crossed the yellow line you'd never be able to board the train. What they mean is "Please stand behind the yellow line while you wait" or "Please stand behind the yellow line as the train approaches" or even the ridiculous version used at Pimlico which is "Please stand behind the yellow line at all times until the train comes to a complete stop in the platform and it is safe for you to board the train". Sometimes full explicit explanation is far worse than the brief untruth it's meant to replace, but seriously, never use the brief untruth either.
This is part of the guide to tram stops posted up at every tram stop on the network.
They don't mean "Only folded bicycles are permitted on trams", other things are allowed on trams too. They don't mean "any kind of loitering is prohibited" otherwise waiting for a tram would be against the rules. But most of all they don't mean "The display, distribution or sale of anything is not allowed". I'm sure they meant to outlaw the distribution and sale of goods, which is fair enough, but what they've actually outlawed is "the display... of anything" and that's ridiculous. They do not mean this.
It's plainly important that rules and instructions are easy to understand, which often keeps them short, but it's more important that they're not also incorrect. So if you're ever responsible for writing rules and instructions, in whatever field, always stop and think about what you've just written before you commit it to print.
Your examples (thanks)
» Use both lanes
» Gate in constant use
» Dogs must be carried
» Keep everything clear of the doors
» Please use the full length of the platform
» Please keep away from the platform edge
» Please take all your personal belongings with you
