My task today (well, technically yesterday) is to find somewhere in London all of you have been. Somewhere so key to life in London that everybody goes there whether they're long term residents, occasional visitors or tourists on a once-in-a-lifetime jaunt. The place I picked is only three acres in extent so potentially easily avoided, but my proposition is that everybody reading this has been there at least once.
I tried something similar yesterday with somewhere in London I hoped none of you had been. I picked a 20-year-old patch of forest on the edge of Havering, significant enough to have its own webpage but peripheral enough that you could spend a lifetime in the capital and never visit. I published my post about Folkes Lane Woodland with high hopes, confident that the vast majority of my readers would never have even heard of it, let alone been. But all to no avail.
Simon said he'd nearly been but only strayed as close as the motorway footbridge. Jonathan thought he must have been while on a walk to Great Warley but it was so long ago he didn't remember it specifically. Herbof and his brother remembered the hillside fondly before it was despoiled by the M25 but hadn't been back since the trees were planted. Chris said he'd been once but didn't expand further. And Fred said yes he'd been last year, and I count Fred as a regular reader because that's his second comment this week. So I evidently failed.
I now doubt there's anywhere significant in London that none of you have been. A private building sure, a stretch of cul-de-sac maybe, but an actual named place or visitor attraction not a chance. We're a well-travelled bunch, inquisitive about our surroundings, plus some of us have been roaming the capital for several decades now. So today I'm flipping the equation and trying to find somewhere everyone has been, and I think I've got one.
I'm not including people who've never been to London because that would be silly. I'm also not including people who merely passed through or who spent barely any time here on a single whistlestop visit. But I'm guessing that if you take time to read a blog that's unashamedly London-focused you're highly unlikely to be the kind of person who's never been to London so I think my money's safe.
I considered Heathrow Airport but that relies on particular travel choices, plus London has more than one airport. I considered Oxford Street but shopping may not be your thing. I considered the River Thames but that's too broad a location. I considered Tower Bridge but I can imagine some visitors skipping that. I even considered Bus Stop M, but I suspect some of you haven't been back to London since that pilgrimage became essential. My final choice is much more must-visit than any of them.
I know I'm setting myself up for a fall. Someone out there is already reading this and thinking "well actually" and by quarter past seven there'll be an anecdote in the comments about how they've always avoided it ever since they were a child or how they came on a fortnight-long holiday and somehow missed it. But I reckon I've picked somewhere you, dear reader, have definitely been so I reckon my odds are good. Watch me be proved wrong.
I don't need to tell you where Trafalgar Square is because you've already been. It's the centrepiece of the capital, indeed it's long been the point from which all distances are measured, so it's only right it's the place everybody's visited. It opened in 1844, some years after the battle it commemorates, with soon-to-be world-famous Nelson's Column at its heart. It gained statues and fountains aplenty, and later pigeons, and is such a well-known location you really don't need me to set the scene because you've already seen it all.
But I went back again yesterday and still found things I hadn't properly noticed before. Two gushing alcoves funded by the Metropolitan Drinking Fountain Association dated 1960. Freshly-painted circles for buskers. A plaque confirming lottery funding. And most unexpectedly St Martin-in-the-Fields because somehow I'd only ever been down to the crypt, never inside the church above. Entry is free and also easy if there isn't a recital on. I have to say it's not that amazing, more an ornate hall with pews, but the ceiling is resplendent and the window behind the altar has a beautifully warped design.
I also nipped into the National Gallery for a quick look at Bathers at Asnières because I'm including that within the remit of Trafalgar Square. I'm also including all the other buildings around the perimeter including the newly-refreshed National Portrait Gallery, South Africa House, a big Waterstones, a restaurant serving tourist-standard pasta, a Tesco Express, the Malaysian Tourist Board, a Nat West bank and a generic souvenir shop. My boundary also contains the statue of Charles I on the site of the old Charing Cross, the rim of Admiralty Arch and that posh hotel in whose rooftop bar I had some particularly pretentious birthday cocktails.
For added fun I brought my 1950s I-SPY The Sights of London book because that kicks off in Trafalgar Square, which just goes to show how important the place is. Forgive the spoilers but I can confirm that the answers to questions 1 and 2 (not pictured) are 'England Expects' and 'George Washington'. I'm not 100% sure what the answer to question 3 is because lots of things are missing from George IV's statue but I suspect Big Chief I-SPY's intended answer was 'a saddle'. But answer 4 is definitely MDCCXXVI, answer 5 is Henry Havelock and answer 6 is Jellicoe and Beatty.
I consulted the official byelaws, which are posted up in the southwest corner and apply to the area as defined in the Trafalgar Square Act of 1844. Amongst the list of forbidden activities it turns out you may not ride an animal, leave a caravan, use a boat, project any missile, attach any banner, erect any tent, play any instrument, collect any money, hire anything, wash any fabric, sound any loudhailer, light any fire or feed any bird. Free-standing signs continue to remind visitors not to do the latter, and only in Trafalgar Square will you find the internationally-recognised pictogram for 'do not climb on the lions'.
I can also confirm that the fountains still froth, just like you remember. The lady who tries to sell you tiny plants is still here accosting passers-by, although she's moved on from heather to something shrivelled in tinfoil. Tour parties still throng the steps, so-called artists still chalk the upper terrace and the pedestrian signals they LGBT-ed in 2016 are still needling bigots. I was even stopped outside Uganda House by an American tourist with a wheelie suitcase who asked me where Buckingham Palace was because even she's been to Trafalgar Square, and so of course have you because everybody has.
